Being Me

My secret admirer came up trumps this year with his choice of Christmas pressie. One of my kids was telling someone about my secret admirer the other day, shaking her head in despair. "She's done it for years, buys herself a present that she wants, wraps it up, labels it 'Fondest Love from Your Secret Admirer, kiss, kiss, kiss' and then puts on this big 'surprised' act when we find it under the tree. Oooh, she says, I wonder what he's got me this year. Oooh, how exciting. Oooh, let's have a look. Well, fancy that, she says. I've been wanting one of these for ages . He's so reliable! She's been doing this for years, and it drives us all MAD." I started the Secret Admirer present routine back in the days when Husband wasn't so good at the gift thing. The first year we were married he bought me an ironing board cover. The next it was a lantern that I could use in the shed when I put the washing on at night. The following year was b...

They say Christmas is for kids and I used to think: what a short-sighted, narrow, mean-spirited and Scroogeish point of view that is. Now that Husband and I are official Empty-Nesters, with no kids turning up until Christmas itself, thereby leaving us free to prepare for the event however we wish, we have seen the light. Being short-sighted, narrow, mean-spirited and Scroogeish is actually quite fun and absolves you from all kinds of rituals and pre-Christmas tomfoolery that kids con you into. So, as a result, we have been free to: 1. put up the Advent calendar on the 18th, tearing off 17 windows in one go 2. drink ginger wine at inappropriate times of the day without being looked at disapprovingly 3. eat dinner without having to light an Advent candle while the peas go cold 4. eat dinner without having to keep a close eye on the Advent candle in case it burns too fast and takes us to Christmas Eve on the 12th 5. leave the presents we've bought lying around the house without ...

I received this letter from Santa today. Dear Miss, Thank you for the long and detailed letter about your Christmas wish list. It made interesting reading. I regret to say that your requests will prove difficult for me to supply, so I thought I should write and point out why. Unfortunately, no one has yet invented a device that converts 'two Ryvitas with Marmite and cucumber' into 'a whacking great baguette stuffed with Brie, sundried tomatoes and olives'. Neither has anyone invented a device which reduces the calorie count of a whacking great baguette to that of a Ryvita sandwich. So I am afraid that the first item on your list will have to wait until someone has invented such a thing. I would not hold your breath. Regarding your second request, I have enclosed an advice leaflet which I have designed specifically for people like you. It is entitled, 'How to Live a Contented Life Without Winning the X-Factor'. I have also enclosed another leaflet which ma...