Being Me

I'm SO sorry, Mr Osborne-Chancellor-of-the-Exchequer-and-I'm-sure-a-very-interesting-man-to-your-loved-ones.  I was doing my bit as a citizen, watching live coverage on the BBC news website of  your austerity measure announcements, and feeling very virtuous for sharing with my country in hearing the news as it happened.  I was even just about to hang out my Union Jack from a bedroom window. But my eyes kept sliding over to the right of the screen at the other headlines. ' Sperm donors deserve greater recognition'  did not tempt me.  I like to ask people what they do, when I'm at parties, and get answers like, 'I work for an accountancy firm' or 'I am a teacher' or 'At the moment, I'm currently unemployed, but have an interview tomorrow'.  If someone said, 'I'm a sperm donor, and proud to admit it', to be honest, I wouldn't know where to take the conversation next. Another headline was, ' Do you have a Wayne Roone...

Blurb on back cover ... In Blair's long-awaited political memoir, read about the most complicated journey of his life.  Was it his 'I caused a war' journey?  No.  Was it his 'I said I would help the poor but didn't' journey?  No.  Was it the 'I intended to improve the country's economic prospects but ... er ... forgot' journey?  No. No, the journey of his life started at the hairdresser for a trendy crop, then to the tanning salon for that 'private island' look, then to the funeral parlour to borrow the shirt, then to the specialist contact lens shop to make his blue eyes even bluer, then to the photographer, who asked him to take just one final step to the left so that he could be slightly off-centre for the book cover, then to stand on a step so that the bald patch at the top of the head wouldn't show on the picture.  (That was the photographer's story, anyway ...) Blair's journey from ineffective PM to ineffectively-ph...

I'm very sorry, Gordon Brown, to pick linguistic nits so early on in your campaign, but I am not impressed with your just-announced campaign slogan ... I think I am right in thinking what you think we will think this means ... but I'm not sure. I think it means 'things are going to improve for everybody', but it could also mean any/all of the following: 1. The Labour government is, at some point in the future, going to hold an enormous garden fete, theme as yet unknown. 2. The Labour government is going to hold, at an unspecified time, a future-fair, an enormous garden fete with the theme of time travel or space. 3. The Labour government is going to make it illegal to be a brunette (a leaflet plus a sachet of hair dye will be sent to all households) 4. The Labour government promises that Britain's weather will, under its supervision, become more moderate and less unpredictable. 5. Under a Labour government, anyone called 'All' (Allan? Alliso...