Being Me

One of my favourite things to do is type random half-questions into the Google search bar and see what other people have been asking. I said ONE of my favourite things.  Don't judge me. Here's my first search today, and its results.  What happens if you ...... What happens if you .... swallow gum What happens if you .... miss a pill What happens if you .... don't eat What happens if you .... eat weed What happens if you ....drink on antibiotics Here's a short matching game for you.  Don't get too excited - there are no prizes except, as I tell the kids at school, a deep sense of personal satisfaction and pride.  Match the question below to the people above. Which person has a chest infection but also a vodka habit? Which person is a teenager whose teacher spotted them chewing in a lesson? Which person missed all the nutrition modules in their Human Biology lessons and is near death? Which person has just eaten some very strange cookies? Which perso...

I have some questions about ageing. 1. If my lips get thinner as I age, and I started with thinnish lips in the first place, will they eventually disappear into my face so that people will stare at me and say, 'What a funny place to have a wrinkle!'? 2. If it's true that ears are the one thing that get bigger as you age, whereas everything else shrinks and shrivels, am I likely to be mistaken for a baby elephant while out shopping? 3. If there comes a day when I start to cut my toenails but then can't make my way back up, is there a way to eat and drink upside down? 4. If things are preserved by putting them in the fridge, would doing an hour's stint in there once a day keep me from ageing, if I could make enough space on the meat shelf? 5. If my sight is likely to get worse, is it worth having a regular place to put my spectacles at night, so that the day I wake up not being able to see them, I'll definitely know where they are? 6. If it's true ...

I have some questions. 1. Can it be a just world while we have the easy-peel tangerine and the banana, but also the pomegranate and the mango? 2. On days when I find myself taking a video of my own feet when I was only trying to make a simple call, am I being over-sensitive to wish it wasn't called a Smartphone? 3. How come, when I catch my reflection in a shop window, it's always a shop window selling bikinis and lingerie for people who could fit inside the right leg of my trousers? 4. How can a hollow chocolate egg the weight of a baby sparrow cost £17.99 just because it's a certain time of year? 5. Can I still retain a sense of hope in humanity, even when someone on the phone tells me my call is important to them, and then makes me listen to Mendelssohn played on a xylophone made out of tin foil? 6. Am I wrong to feel it unfair that I will only ever get one chance to try a deep-fried Mars Bar, because that will be about three minutes before I die? 7....

It's only 10.30 in the morning and already I have several questions to ask of the world, raised while going through the processes of getting up, having breakfast, reading a Linguistics magazine and using my computer. Question 1. No one is watching, so why is it still a humiliation to find yourself standing under the shower for three hours holding a bottle upside down so that the last dribble of shower gel becomes available? Question 2. How can (a) a satsuma and a pear and (b) two slices of thick white toast buttered and then spread lavishly with Nutella BOTH be deemed an acceptable breakfast?  I've just had option (a) and had to have a mug of hot chocolate to make up for the disillusionment. Question 3. I've been reading a magazine about American phrases.  Why do the Americans call a 'starter' an 'appetiser' when we ALL know what happens after you've eaten that pizza bread and forty-five queen olives and your main course turns up ...? Qu...