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Showing posts from June, 2013

Evidence that not all fairy tales work out as expected

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Once upon a time, a girl with hair as yellow as sunflowers was skipping through the woods when she spied a wolf.

'Cut!' said the director.  'What moron brought the wolf in here?  There's no wolf in this story.  What a bunch of IDIOTS I work with.  They can't do anything right.  Why the hell did I ever ....'

Just as he was saying this, and flailing his hands in the air in frustration, an assistant was taking a call on his mobile, and saying, 'Yeah, it's in studio 3.  Sorry, sorry.  Yeah, Studio 13, I got it.  I'll get someone to bring it along.'



Once upon a time, a girl with hair as yellow as sunflowers was skipping through the woods when she spied a bent-over old lady in a badly-fitting headscarf and holding an apple with one shiny side.

'Cut!' yelled the director again.  'Who brought in the crone?  Get. Rid. Of. The. Crone.  There IS no crone in this story.  Give me STRENGTH!  You guys couldn't organise yourselves out of a p…

Evidence that you should probably just have rung Auntie Pat rather than visiting Fran's blog

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Here are some musings inspired by the sofa which I am sitting on on which I am sitting never-end-a-sentence-with-a-preposition-call-yourself-an-English-teacher?

You could probably do without these musings, but if you, like me, are trying to avoid getting on with the real business of the day, you may find some random thoughts on a piece of furniture intensely fascinating.  Put it this way, do you want to stay with me, or do you want to go and iron those tricky pairs of jeans or make that awkward phone call to your Aunty Pat about the family party you are shunning, ostensibly because of a prior arrangement you have yet to invent, but primarily because you can't stand Uncle Frank?

I rest my case.

Unnecessary subtitle: My sofa.

Unnecessary picture of a sofa like mine:



I was intending to tell you a story about my sofa.  I may well yet do so.  The day is young.  But, before that, I want to know.  Why is a sofa called a sofa?  I'm going to look it up.  You go and feed the cat .....…

Evidence that there's no better place than this blog to get advice about writing

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How to write satirical articles by U.N.Published


I’ve been writing satirical articles for a while now.  I’m hoping, some day, to get one of them into print.  But I know you’ll benefit from my years of experience.  So, here are my top tips.
1. If you want to write a satirical article, put pen to paper and let it flow.  You feel strongly about something?  Then forget all that rubbish about planning and structuring (yawn, yawn).  Who’s got time for that when there are politicians to poke fun at and society to slander?  I see it as a kind of therapy.  When I’ve had a good old bash at someone, I feel so much better.  And I wouldn’t dream of going back and changing anything, even if editors ask me to, which they often do.  What’s on that page is pure, unadulterated passion, and it’s going to stay. 
2. Don’t worry about all that libel and slander rot.  Look, satire is controversial.  You’re bound to upset people.  You might as well do it properly.  And anyway, making the odd accusation that yo…

Evidence that Fran continues to provide entertainment for the general public at great cost to her dignity

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My guitar case and I have had a couple of adventures lately.  Let me introduce you to my guitar case so that you can visualise my experiences.





That's its front.  Now, here's a picture of its back.





(Aren't you thrilled you came along to read this?  Who needs sex or chocolate or a visit to Disneyland when you can come here instead and look at pictures of my guitar case?)



Black IS a bit boring, isn't it?  I have to say, it's not until today when I decided to entertain you all with my guitar case that I realise how plain and functional it looks.  I'd really rather have one that looks like this.





... except that this one would clash with the bright orange skin-tight plunge-neckline sequinned catsuit I wear to performances, and that would look silly on the bus, so perhaps I'll stick with the black one.


Anyway, I was going to tell you about my experiences.


Experience 1:

As you can see from the second picture, the case is designed to be carried on the back, like a…