Being Me

Lennie Small - Of Mice and Men Lennie has been seated at the very back of the class so that other pupils can see the board. He cannot be faulted for effort in his academic studies but struggles with most aspects of the curriculum. He does love nature, especially animals, although since the unfortunate incident when Lennie was allowed to take the class gerbils home for the holidays, we have tried to divert his interests. He is generally well-behaved in school; nevertheless, he did receive a detention for shouting 'I like my beans with ketchup' repeatedly across the school dining room, upsetting the catering staff. Also, he has joined the after-school Film Studies club but continually insists they watch clips of 'Watership Down'; other pupils are wearying of this. Lennie usually does relate well to other pupils, but is less popular with the girls, most of whom have taken to wearing pastel colours to school. With further work on his social skills, Lennie should have a brig...

I last posted these 'Characters' New Year Resolutions' a few years ago and they're always popular, so here they are again, new and improved, plus some extras. Happy New Year! Gulliver: Don't lie down in other people's countries. Red Riding Hood: When taking cakes to grandparents, go via the main road. Pilgrim: Steer clear of Sloughs. Dr Frankenstein: Use a wider variety of materials for future craft projects. Dr Jekyll: Learn to live with your selves self The Three Little Pigs: Begin with the bricks. Holden Caulfield: Revise. Jay Gatsby: Never let a woman drive. Lennie Small: Let go of the soft things earlier. Mr Bennet: Don't bother with sarcasm that no one gets. Dorian Gray: Keep the portraits in the kitchen. Juliet: Marry for money. Three Men in a Boat: Leave dogs at home. Magwitch: Skype from Australia Jane Eyre: Ask for a full tour of the house on the first day. Piggy: Always carry matches. Macbeth: Never trust wom...

Once upon a time, there was a little girl who lived in the land of One-Wrong-Consonant. Her name was Goldisocks. Goldisocks had bright yellow hair and socks to match. This made it hard for her. When you spend your spare time peeking in at the windows of strangers, trying to be subtle, buttercup-yellow hair is a disadvantage in itself. Having matching socks that would light up a Norwegian Arctic winter or guide a ship into port in a wild storm makes it all more challenging. Nevertheless, Goldisocks skipped off one morning into the woods and found herself in front of a cottage she had never seen before: the home of the Three Beans. Here they are in the picture below: Daddy Bean, Mummy Bean and Teen Bean. Mummy Bean is the one on the right whose face shows open distress and I'm about to tell you why. Earlier that morning, before Goldisocks was up and about, the three Beans had been arguing over breakfast. Teen Bean had been grumpy and hard to please (he's the one at the...

To celebrate National Adapted Fairy Story Day, I thought I'd post a version of Cinderella. It's NOT National Adapted Fairy Story Day? National Adapted Fairy Story Day's not even a thing? (Long white space to symbolise grief.) Well, I refuse to be bowed low by this tragic news, and hereby declare that, in my household at least, it is National Adapted Fairy Story Day. And here is (one of) my version(s) of Cinderella to celebrate it. Cinderella A beautiful girl called Cinderella lived with two ugly sisters who treated her like a slave.  One morning, an invitation came from the Prince to a lavish ball.  Both of the ugly sisters were very excited, and had already booked Botox appointments, but Cinderella, who was not allowed to go, despite being naturally smooth of forehead, was sad.  A forehead? Or a part of Australia on Google Earth?              As the sisters set ...

Someone just challenged people on Facebook to write a 50 word story on the theme of 'Once upon a time' and I can't resist that kind of ruin-a-fairy-tale challenge, as regular followers will know. I posted this one: Once upon a time Red Riding Hood’s mother said, ‘Will you take some cakes to Grandma?’ ‘Of course,’ said Red, but when Mother went to the cupboard, she was very surprised to find she was clean out of flour. Red lounged on her bed, smiling, her pillow higher than usual. Now I feel inspired, here are a couple more: Once upon a time, three little pigs made their mother pack their knapsacks and left home to find their fortunes, despite Mummy Pig’s distressed squeals. ‘Take no notice,’ said Pig One, who’d always lacked empathy. At lunchtime, they opened their knapsacks. ‘Hey! Who packed sausage rolls in here?’ they cried. Once upon a time, there were three bears: Daddy Bear, Mummy Bear, and Paddington Bear, who had got lost.  ‘Apologies,’ said Padding...

Once upon a time, there was a big mix-up about vowels across the kingdom.  Hence, the not-so-well-known story of the three ..... One morning, the three beers were having breakfast.  Things weren't going well.  Yet again, Mother and Father Beer were perturbed.  'How come,' they said, 'we have a son who is exactly the same size as us?  What the hell happened to hierarchy?' It was true.  Baby Beer, at the tender age of seven, was as tall and as wide as both parents.  When they went shopping, and Mother Beer met a friend, it was always awkward, introducing Baby Beer.  When she said, 'And this is my son,' her friends sniggered behind their hands, and patted the heads of their own diminutive offspring indulgently. Every morning, the Beer parents awoke, hoping that in the night some miraculous process would have returned Baby Beer to a normal size.  They dressed him in age 7 pyjamas, even though it was a strain to get the buttons done ...

Three important lessons learned from a weekend in the Cotswolds. Lesson 1.  Don't ever say to your horticulturally-minded husband in a botanical garden, 'Hey, look, that lily plant is broken.'  The chances are, despite what he KNOWS about how lily pollen can stain, he will more or less climb INTO the bush to help out the stricken stems. Fran's husband was regretting only bringing one sweater for the weekend away. Lesson 2 . A book soaked in beer is not as pleasant to read as a book not soaked in beer. I'm reading 'The Help' by Kathryn Stockett for the second time in preparation for teaching it to A level English Lit students in September.  I recommend you read it, although preferably a beer-free version. We were in a lovely Cotswold pub and my husband went off to fetch some drinks.  I got my book out to read it. Then, when he came back, one of us - I won't say who because it'll only embarrass him - oops, too late! - knocked over his gl...

Once upon a time, a girl with hair as yellow as sunflowers was skipping through the woods when she spied a wolf. 'Cut!' said the director.  'What moron brought the wolf in here?  There's no wolf in this story.  What a bunch of IDIOTS I work with.  They can't do anything right.  Why the hell did I ever ....' Just as he was saying this, and flailing his hands in the air in frustration, an assistant was taking a call on his mobile, and saying, 'Yeah, it's in studio 3.  Sorry, sorry.  Yeah, Studio 13, I got it.  I'll get someone to bring it along.' Once upon a time, a girl with hair as yellow as sunflowers was skipping through the woods when she spied a bent-over old lady in a badly-fitting headscarf and holding an apple with one shiny side. 'Cut!' yelled the director again.  'Who brought in the crone?  Get. Rid. Of. The. Crone.  There IS no crone in this story.  Give me STRENGTH!  You guys couldn't organise yourse...

Once upon a time, there were three little pigs.  They lived with their parents, Mr and Mrs Pig, and they were all sitting in the living room one evening watching Masterchef and hoping for beef and lamb recipes rather than anything uncomfortably closer to home.  The three little pigs were intending to venture off the next day to seek their fortunes.  Their knapsacks were hung on the banisters in the hall. There was a knock at the front door.  This is always a sign in a story of something dramatic about to happen, unless it's a very poor story and it turns out to be only a double-glazing salesman or a Liberal Democrat councillor. Mother answered the door, and in came a beautiful young girl called Cinderella, wearing a sparkling ball gown which shimmered in the evening lamplight of the pigs' living room.  'I'm so sorry,' the girl said, wringing delicate hands.  'It's just that I'm trying to find my way to the palace, but we've got lost.  Does anyone...

There can never be enough pie in contemporary culture, and it's good to see people recognising this.  Recently, we've had 'The Life of Pie', a gripping tale about a boy stranded in the Pacific with only a Cornish pasty for company which he eventually manages to tame, thank goodness.  These traditional pastry products have a reputation for unpredictability.  I really enjoyed this when I saw it at the cinema, because it was in 3D, and there's nothing so thrilling as seeing a flake of crumbly pastry swimming rapidly towards the middle of your forehead. Everyone loves a bit of Bond (that old double-croissant) and even more people like a bit of pastry with their Bond, which is why I think 'Piefall' was such a hit.  And now we all know what the M stands for; whether your preference is beef, chicken or ham, M is such an essential ingredient. The best way to cook a good pie is in a traditional oven and this is why I was pleased to see how well 'Aga' did...

Okay.  It's been too long since I mauled some innocent little nursery rhymes to death.... Humpty Dumpty fell off a wall But he was the size of Nepal. All the king's horses and all the king's men Said, 'We'll help him this time, but NEVER again.' Jack and Jill went up the hill To fetch a pail of water But Jill went 'Ohhhhhhhh!' and tore off her clothes And (surprise!) gave birth to their daughter. 'Mary, Mary, quite contrary - How does your garden grow?' asked someone who was passing who really wanted to know. But Mary Mary quite contrary, The question annoyed her so She battered him with her spade. Now he's the compost that helps it grow. Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, Jack jump over the candlestick. Jack be singed in a delicate place. Jack be red all over his face. Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep and doesn't know where to find 'em. Check in the butcher's window, Bo. Your lambsies are just behind...

I'm not making any of my own New Year   Guaranteed-Total and Depressing Failures Resolutions.  Instead, I thought I'd make a list of New Year resolutions which some literary characters   should  have made .... Resolutions that would have made these characters' lives easier, and the stories a hell of a lot shorter ..... Red Riding Hood: When taking cakes to grandparents, go the city route. Pilgrim: Steer clear of Sloughs. Gulliver: Don't ever lie down in someone else's country. Dr Frankenstein: Use different materials for my sewing hobby. Madame Bovary: Read up on how long the effects of arsenic last. Dr Jekyll: Learn to live with my self selves Jude the Obscure: Refuse to be a character in any of Hardy's novels Holden Caulfield: Revise. Jay Gatsby: Never let the woman drive. Piggy: Lose weight before any journey on a plane. Lennie Small: don't hold on for quite so long. Mr Bennet: Develop a hearing problem. Dorian Gray: Just as...

Honestly! I google 'Nursery Rhymes' because I'm thinking I might ruin a few for people by adapting them, just for something to do.  Up comes 'Baa Baa Black Sheep'.  I click on that to get the rhyme, and it takes me straight to a website featuring Italian women in skimpy underwear and a big flashing message saying, 'I am Lolita and if you call me right now, we can do lots of sexy talk.' Well, Lolita, I am Fran, and if I called you right now, I'm afraid sexy talk would not be on the agenda, but just to pep up your night, I could run you through the basics of semicolons, the apostrophe, and the difference between the active and passive voice. Hey!  Am I onto something here? If I set up a chatline, offering advice on grammar, but in a husky-husky  voice, would I get many takers?  I could give it a go, because I've just had a cold, and am at that stage where you sound like a woman in a Bond movie, until, that is, you start coughing like a woman in a...

I'm in the mood for a bit of silliness.  You are the unfortunate recipients of it.  I apologise in advance. 1. Mary had a little lamb. The midwife had a fit. She, thinking it would be a child, Had not expected it. She glanced at Mary, wondering, If Mary had a clue That instead of having a mini-me She'd had a mini-ewe? 2. Mary had a little lamb. Her husband paled with shock. He'd always wanted kids, But was less sure about a flock. 3. Mary had a little lamb. She had it with mint sauce. And, contrary to what you'd think, Felt nothing of remorse. The following day, however, She died of gas formation. The moral?  Better stick to Everybody's expectation. 4. Mary had a little lamb. Oh, where should I begin, To tell the tragic story Of what she did to him? For, though, it was now little, Once , massive it had been. Until she'd washed poor Lambsy On the very fastest spin. Lambsy, shrunken and misshapen, all because...

What would some classic books have been like had the writers got a bit fed up of the main characters and just edited them out?  To be honest, I quite like the sound of some of these plot lines. In 1930s America, mice and rabbits get on with their lives in peace. Voldemort wears a puzzled expression. Boat for sale, suitable for three or more men, and dog (optional), unused. Sancho Panza finds himself the unexpected star of various adventures. Various corpses get to keep their body parts. Rochester stares moodily into the fire a lot more. Ishmael ends up fishing for skipjack tuna. In the absence of a crazed doctor to use them for transformational purposes, someone uses the salts for their chips. A rye field lies undisturbed. A late 19th century portrait painter, without a cocky young rake to paint, embarks on a still life of some fruit. Women in Whitby find other uses for garlic. Various horses find their own way to Canterbury, un-entertained by lewd stories...

I'd hate you to have run out of my shortened fairy tales for those evenings when you are reading to your children/grandchildren/child you are meant to be responsibly babysitting. The Three Bears and the Brief Appearance of Goldilocks The three bears lived in a cottage in the woods.  One morning, they were all eating breakfast as usual, unaware that a blonde girl was peering in at them from outside their window.  (Only the omniscient narrator was aware of this fact.)             A tense argument was raging because Mother Bear never seemed to get the porridge right.  Father Bear complained that his was too cold, and Baby Bear cried because his was too hot.  Mother Bear was getting flustered.  Hers seemed fine.  Men were SO fussy.               The phone rang.  Mother Bear went to answer it.  ‘That’ll be Auntie Freda,’ she ...

Another Fairy Tale adapted for parents and grandparents who would rather watch TV than read lengthy bedtime stories ... A beautiful girl called Cinderella lived with two ugly sisters who treated her like a slave.  One morning, an invitation came from the Prince to a lavish ball.  Both of the ugly sisters were very excited, and had already booked Botox appointments, but Cinderella, who was not allowed to go, despite being naturally smooth of forehead, was sad.              As the sisters set off, fluttering their fans, Cinderella cried.              She sat alone in the kitchen.  Suddenly, there was a ping and Cinders glanced towards the microwave, but it was actually a Fairy Godmother who had appeared in the corner of the kitchen.  (Cat flap?)   Unlike most Fairy Godmothers, this one was not smiling or happy.  Unlike most, she...

Well, here I am, knowing that my son's wife is in labour, and waiting for a phone call to say, 'You are officially a Granny!  Get in that rocking chair NOW!' So, while I wait, I thought I would post another of the shortened fairy tales I will be using with my grandchild if I'm babysitting but really wanting to watch telly and eat Cadbury's Milk Tray. And, anyway, someone requested this one .... The Three Little Pigs Three little pigs lived with their mother.  One day, the pigs decided they would seek their fortunes, so off they went, knapsacks over their shoulders.  On the way, they spotted a wolf who seemed to be eyeing them speculatively. ‘We’d better build ourselves houses to live in,’ said one pig, ‘otherwise that wolf might get us.’  The others agreed this was a good plan. They decided to build the first house out of twigs.  ‘Who’s going to live in this twig house, then?’ asked the eldest pig.  ‘Because I certainly don’t want to.’ B...

Now I am to become a grandmother, I need to get my stock of fairy tales sorted in case I'm asked to babysit.  They're so LONG, though, aren't they?  What were the Grimms THINKING?!  Didn't THEY ever need to get downstairs in time for Coronation Street?   It's no good.  Some cuts will have to be made.  So ... Even Littler Red Riding Hood Little Red Riding Hood lived near the forest with her mother.  One day, her mother said, ‘If I bake some cakes, will you take them to Grandmother?  Only, be careful as you walk through the forest, because of the wolf.  He is dangerous and fierce and will eat you.’              The little girl had barely been on the forest path for five minutes before she saw the wolf.  She stopped, petrified.  But the wolf did not seem to even notice her at first.  He had his hairy head buried in a book called ‘Lupine Anger Management - Module...

More typo-lit, one of my favourite genres: To Kilt a Mockingbird - a tale set in the Southern States of America in which a young family move into the area from Aberdeen.  The children are found dressing the local wildlife in tartan and have to be taught that clothing innocent victims in bright material is not acceptable.  The little girl (Scot) says, 'Shoot, Pa, that's the darndest thing I ever did hear!' and there is surprise all round at her adoption of the local dialect in such a short time. To Kiln a Mockingbird - a tale set in the Southern States of America in which a wise father teaches his children that to put an innocent bird into a red-hot oven, converting it into an attractive china piece for the kitchen, was bound to upset Aunt Alexandra when given as a birthday present, and if this was indeed their intention, they deserved a whipping.   They don't get the whipping; the father can't stand Aunt Alexandra either. To Bill a Mockingbird - a tale set ...