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Showing posts from November, 2012

Evidence that you can do a lot more with six words than you originally thought

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I saw this sign in a pub the other day.





'Oh, shucks,' says a stressed mummy.  'Just as I was going to hook little Billy up there and find a way to have him pinned in one place for more than 5 minutes so I can have a bit of peace and quiet.  Now what do I do?'




Right.  I've posted the picture .... er ...what was I going to do then  ....?   I didn't think this through.

I know!  I'm going to rearrange the words to make different meanings.  Just because I can.  I wonder how many different combinations I can get out of this?.......

Children no allowed on board Dart - a notice devised by a foreigner who hasn't quite got the idea about how to form negatives, posted near a ramp leading up to an adults-only pleasure yacht named Dart.  On board Dart, things happen which children are not permitted to view.  The yacht is called Dart because when it goes, it goes, and if you're caught doing adults-only things when it starts off, you will fall over for sure and, …

Reasons why it is ironic that Fran now spends much of her time INside a classroom

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Isabelle over at In This Life has written a cracking post about teachers she remembers which you should go and read.  I really like her blog.  Anyway, I thought I'd juggle around a few teacher memories, too.  Thanks for the inspiration, Issy-babe. I owe you one.

I've already written about the teacher who hit me on the head with a dictionary and chose my vocation for me.

Another one I recall is a Design & Technology teacher.  I think he was Mr Drysdale, and he had a long nose, mud-green trousers on spindly legs, and an allergy to fourteen year old girls who didn't know how to draw a straight line, even with a ruler.  He reluctantly took me into his class because I had been thrown out of something else, probably Art.  I remember when I arrived at his door to tell him I'd been 'transferred'.  He probably said something like, 'What?  From Broadmoor? Frightening the others, were you?'  Put it this way, he was as pleased to have me in his class as anyone …

Reasons why I should just have bought the hardback

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So, I keep getting emails from Amazon telling me that the publication of a book I've ordered in paperback is delayed.  They're trying to recommend that I buy the hardback, and this is the incentive they've come up with.


Differences between your original item and our recommendations are typically minor but some things, such as the item's cost, may be different.
Oh, the cost!  That silly little thing!  Well, if you'd said before!
Hm.  Neither do I like that phrase 'some things may be different'.  Very vague.  What could this mean?  What 'things'?.....


A short play, set in Fran's house. [This saves on costs.  Shooting this stuff in Hollywood is beyond my purse.]
Cast:
Doorbell Muffled postman Fran
A mystery parcel

Act 1

[The doorbell goes.] Ding dong, ding dong. [Fran opens the door.]  Oh, good morn ... What. The. Hell. Is. THAT? [Postman, from behind a large parcel.  Muffled.]  Are you Fran Hill? [Fran] Say again? [Muffled postman] I said, are you Fra…

Evidence that a teacher's life is never boring ....

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This weekend, I thought I'd post an extract from my Amazon Kindle e-book 'Being Miss'.  Enjoy.  Apologies for the bogeys, but when you've got 11 year old boys as your main characters, some things are inevitable .... 

It's half-way through the school day at a boys' school and 'Miss' is teaching 'Carrie's War' by Nina Bawden to year 7.  Or ... at least ... trying to.  
Year 7 shuffle about, getting their things ready.  ‘Right,’ I say.  ‘Yesterday, we read Chapter 1, didn’t we, and you did some homework on it.  Today we’re going to carry on and read Chapter 2, but can anyone remember what I said would be different about Chapter 2?  Sebastian?’  I choose him because he’s picking his nose and sometimes it’s the only way to stop them.  ‘Can you remember?’             He pops the morsel into his mouth and then says, ‘Chapter 2 uses flashback?’  He’s bright, then, though foul.             ‘That’s right, Sebastian.  Well done.  What is flashback, Ye…

Evidence that pride comes about 2 nanoseconds before a fall

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A short play, entitled, 'Self-esteem slump'

Scene 1 - Fran is encouraged in her role as respected local educator.  3.45pm

Fran:  [getting off bus] Thanks, driver.
Driver: No problem.  Have a nice evening!  Off home?
Fran:  No, actually, off to teach an after-school English revision class.
Driver: Oh, a teacher!  Well done, you!
Fran:  Aw, shucks [I didn't really say this, but America's on-topic right now].
Driver: Teachers need to be respected more, I say.
Fran:  Absolutely!  [steps off bus, feeling confident and self-assured).

Scene 2 - Fran finds she is unable to do up coat buttons.  3.46pm.

Fran: [thinks] Oh, better do up these coat buttons.  It's cold.  [Walks across car park near bus station, trying to do them up.]  Hey, hang on.  Is that right?  [Tries to look down at coat buttons, but today's scarf is so big and voluminous, can't see properly.]  Surely that's lop-sided.  [It is.]  I'll try again.  Whoops!  [trips - not looking where she'…

Evidence that one needs other things in one's life as well as marking essays

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If I had time, I would like to do a linguistic analysis of what happens to my marking when I've got a pile of essays to assess and no time in which to do it.   Put it this way, at the start of the pile, I am writing complete, standard English sentences, and by the end of the pile, punctuation has taken over as a major form of communication.  I haven't yet resorted to emoticons, but there's always a first time...

Jane, don't forget to use paragraphs to structure your essay
Use paragraphs to structure your essay
Paragraphs will help structure
Don't forget - paragraphs!
Paragraphs?
Aarrghh!

Try to expand your ideas a little further than this, Stephen
Try to expand ideas a little further
Expansion of ideas needed
Expand your ideas
Expansion?
And?????

You should mention his use of metaphor for comparison here, Mark
Mention his use of metaphor here
Mention the metaphor
The metaphor?
Metaphor?
?

Your use of punctuation is random throughout this essay and causes confusion,…