Being Me

I last posted these 'Characters' New Year Resolutions' a few years ago and they're always popular, so here they are again, new and improved, plus some extras. Happy New Year! Gulliver: Don't lie down in other people's countries. Red Riding Hood: When taking cakes to grandparents, go via the main road. Pilgrim: Steer clear of Sloughs. Dr Frankenstein: Use a wider variety of materials for future craft projects. Dr Jekyll: Learn to live with your selves self The Three Little Pigs: Begin with the bricks. Holden Caulfield: Revise. Jay Gatsby: Never let a woman drive. Lennie Small: Let go of the soft things earlier. Mr Bennet: Don't bother with sarcasm that no one gets. Dorian Gray: Keep the portraits in the kitchen. Juliet: Marry for money. Three Men in a Boat: Leave dogs at home. Magwitch: Skype from Australia Jane Eyre: Ask for a full tour of the house on the first day. Piggy: Always carry matches. Macbeth: Never trust wom...

I've eaten only two mince pies over the Christmas season. This is a miracle. Normally, I emerge from the festive period from beneath a pile of shortcrust pastry crumbs, more mince pie than woman, and with a heartburn so bad it's as though someone's having a barbecue in my thoracic cavity. But I was determined. I can resist Christmas pudding, and brandy butter, and salted peanuts, but once I see a pile of mince pies, I'm am to that pile what a wrecking ball is to a block of condemned flats. BOOM! All gone, but for the dust. Having lost a little weight before Christmas, I didn't want to put it all back on. And I knew the mince pies would do that. So, that's a 'Good girl' sticker for me. My kind of mince pie, with pastry so thick it's a medical emergency Today, however, I found a pork pie in the fridge I had forgotten was there. And, damn, or maybe it was 'Hurrah!' it was still in date. As we all know, pork pie pastry isn't mer...

Some New Year resolutions. 1. I will learn to use my Smartphone so that the word 'smart' in its name doesn't make the phone seem so smug and me so technologically stupid.  Hopefully, this will also mean that fewer of my friends will get calls where there's only one ring before the call is cut off, and they have to ring me back to say 'Did you want me?' and I have to make up a reason for conversation. One's friends are always so suspicious when one begins with the weather. 2. I will stop pretending that the Baileys in my coffee is just normal cream.  I will also alter the proportions of Baileys to coffee so that there is more coffee. 3. Now that I have bought a smaller plate in the attempt to eat less, I will stop piling the food three feet high to compensate. This will mean I will no longer need to eat with my nose in a pile of mashed potato or submerged in a mound of meat and gravy. 4. I will improve my wardrobe and become smarter. To start the proc...