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Showing posts from February, 2010

More reasons why posh literary magazines reject my submissions

On the other hand, perhaps I'm wrong, and it's not that some famous novelists hyped up their stories too much as I suggested in my recent post in which I dumbed-down novel titles.

Perhaps novelists have, in fact, been over-cautious.  Maybe some classic literature would be improved if the authors had just pushed the limits a little and not been so circumspect......

Louisa May Alcott might have written Great Big Humungous Women, in which a genteel 19th century American family reacts to the pressures of life with Marmee and life without Dardee by slathering Nutella onto enormous pieces of cornbread, making the search for contentedness in family life somewhat more difficult, particularly when the budgeting for dress material gets tricky.  When one of the four daughters gets a terminal illness, there are unseemly fights over who gets her portion, and Marmee becomes distressed, particularly as, when a wealthy neighbour offers them a Christmas feast, the girls are too stuffed to appr…

Why Gordon Brown should get a new slogan writer

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I'm very sorry, Gordon Brown, to pick linguistic nits so early on in your campaign, but I am not impressed with your just-announced campaign slogan ...




I think I am right in thinking what you think we will think this means ... but I'm not sure.

I think it means 'things are going to improve for everybody', but it could also mean any/all of the following:

1. The Labour government is, at some point in the future, going to hold an enormous garden fete, theme as yet unknown.

2. The Labour government is going to hold, at an unspecified time, a future-fair, an enormous garden fete with the theme of time travel or space.

3. The Labour government is going to make it illegal to be a brunette (a leaflet plus a sachet of hair dye will be sent to all households)

4. The Labour government promises that Britain's weather will, under its supervision, become more moderate and less unpredictable.

5. Under a Labour government, anyone called 'All' (Allan? Allison?) is going t…

More evidence for why I will never get published in literary magazines

Some authors, you know, just need to CALM DOWN a little, get less emotional, exaggerate less about stuff.  The literary canon could be so different, so much quieter and softer and less stressy ...

The Grapes of Mild Annoyance - John Steinbeck

Minor Offences and Verbal Warnings - Fyodor Dostoevsky

A Short Scuffle and Peace - Leo Tolstoy

Narrow Strip of Sargasso Sea - Jean Rhys

Slightly Unstable Medium Slopes - Emily Bronte

To Threaten a TeasingBird - Harper Lee

Not Particularly Cheery House - Charles Dickens

A Touch of Arrogance and A Mild Tendency to Judge Others -  Jane Austen

Minor Influence - Jane Austen

The Kinda Okay Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald

The Trip - Homer

Lady Chatterley's Casual Acquaintance - D H Lawrence

A Room with a Windowbox - E M Forster

Minimal Adaptation - Franz Kafka

The Divine Lame Joke - Dante

Moderate Hopes - Charles Dickens

Les Mildly-Fedupables - Victor Hugo

Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Peeping Tom - John Le Carre

The Somewhat Yellowed Notebook - Doris Even-L…

Why I should be more tactful when making fun of names

Yikes!  I've lost a follower, straight after writing my new Valentine poems.  Was it someone called Valentine?  I'm sorry, Val, I'm sorry ..... it's not really a stupid name, honest.

How do I find out who went off me?  Anyone know?

Five things I learned at the shops today

1. Shopping for jeans then having scampi, chips, peas and French bread with a pint of Diet Coke afterwards is a good plan.  Having scampi, chips, peas and French bread with a pint of Diet Coke then shopping for jeans is a less good plan.  I'll say no more about this, other than, I own no more jeans than I did yesterday, but I do have happy memories of some of the best chips in town.  I also have an extra kilo on each thigh, a free gift which came with the chips.

2. If you're looking to buy a trendy jacket for work, let me tell you that big flappy collars the size of schooner sails are in.  What's more, they are in on little bitty jackets which only reach to just below your waist.  Effectively, there is enough material in each of the collars to make three more of the jackets plus a matching A-line skirt.  When the spring breezes blow up, your bum will be freezing cold, but your shoulders will be as sweaty as a wrestler's armpit.

3. Trying on waterproof padded jackets i…

Evidence that I am really a true romantic

Verses in Valentine cards are just too predictable.  How about these?  No one can say they aren't different ...


I will always love you dearly, Valentine. I will always be so glad that you are mine. I love everything about you, in the main, Except that Valentine is such a stupid name.




I will always love you dearly, Valentine. I'll adore you 'til the very end of time. Sharing all I have with you is just divine,  But should I win the Lottery, the cash is mine.





I will always love you dearly, Valentine. I think you're clever and intelligent and fine. And it's a good thing that I love you for your mind. Because the body ........
No, that would be too unkind.


How I know I must be in labour

Just checking out a fellow blogger's baby experiences and a big advert pops up with great big letters asking me, 'ARE YOU IN LABOUR?'


Well .... I wasn't expecting to be, and I'm 48 next birthday, and certain surgical procedures have been undertaken that we were assured were usually permanent ...


but I guess it's POSSible.


So, maybe I AM.


Hang on!  But that means .... Oh, gosh, I'm so reLIEVED.  This explains EVERything .....


The gradually increasing waistline (now I don't feel so bad about that elastic giving way and pinging into the face of the lady on the bus).


The feeling that I need to lie down in a bed most of the day (now I can tell my boss that there is a REASON I need to teach from a supine position).


The flutterings in the tummy I keep thinking are hunger (now I know there's a baby in there needing food, I can have three cakes instead of two).


The mood swings (now I can carry on moving from 'I feel great' to 'I feel lousy' through t…

How I have time to write poetry and still eat lots of chocolate

An appropriate name for a handy form of poetry which you can write but still have lots of time for doing other things because it only consists of two words 
Terse Verse

What I do after six hours in town desperately searching for an original present for a male relative and have lost the will to live and no longer care that it's what everyone else will get him, too
Buy Tie
The result of spending too much time eating chocolates and cakes and biscuits and puddings and not enough time working out in the gym
Bigger Figure

What I got when I accidentally put my sleeping tablets in Rover’s food bowl instead of worming tablets
Groggy Doggy

A description of the feelings of a pet bird when its cage door has been left slightly open by mistake and the family cat is approaching
Wary Canary
A poem about a guy who sits in the corner of the pub drinking only lemonade but insists on repeating funny stories everyone has heard before
Anecdotal Teetotal
The most difficult thing to be doing in the middle of the night wh…