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Showing posts from July, 2009

Advice for those bored of enjoying life

Perhaps you are tired of peace and quiet. Perhaps you have been sitting in the garden, reading the newspaper, listening to gentle birdsong, sipping a nice glass of Bacardi and Coke, and have just said to your partner, 'Darling. How boring is this? If only we could take a trip on a British train and have our nerves jangled to perdition. Let us make our way immediately.'

If so, I offer these instructions to make your experience as close as possible to the one I had today on my journey back from a writers' holiday in Wales.

You will need:

1. a cheap ticket for a two-hour journey on a British train;

2. a hen party of eight twenty-something girls wearing lurid pink teeshirts emblazoned with 'JANE'S HEN PARTY' and carrying a supermarket's alcohol aisle in carrier bags. If you can get them to have conversations at volumes more suitable for shouting across canyons ('Who wants water? Anyone want water as well as the wine?' 'Oh, we're not going to do …

Why you should be glad when Blogger works for me

Blogger is telling me, when I click on the button to see all the blogs I follow, 'You are not currently following anyone'.

Yes, I damn well am. Where are they? Where has Blogger hidden them?

While I was wondering where everyone was and why, it occurred to me that 'following' in this sense is a new use of the word. It can only be recently that 'following' has come to refer to the practice of keeping up with bloggers on the Internet. To 'follow' someone can have the connotation of 'stalking' and is very often linked with the idea of the detective ...

'You are not currently following anyone,' said the head of the private detective agency to his new employee. 'Instead you just sit around drinking coffee. I think you have misunderstood your job description. You are fired.'

'You are not currently following anyone,' said the head of the private detective agency to his employee, 'because all the previous jobs you have…

Reasons to stick with John Grisham

So, if you can have 'chick lit' meaning literature for young single women, can you have ....

not such a spring chick lit? - stories for the post-menopausal woman?

chic lit - stories for the fashionable woman?

cheek lit - stories for women obsessed with the way their bottoms look?

cheque lit - stories for women with a shopping addiction?

choc-lit - stories for women who love confectionery?

chip lit - stories for women who love French Fries/gambling/electronic products (or all three, in which case triple-chip-lit?)

click lit - stories for women with obsessions about turning lights on and off?

crick lit - stories for women who often wake up in the mornings having slept in the wrong position on the pillow?

clique lit - stories for women who tend to hang around with the same crowd?

check lit - stories for women with OCD?

badly lit - stories for women which are set in dark places?

veg lit? - stories for the non-meat eating young single woman who'd rather not be associated with c…

Seven non-interesting things about me

hillbillyduhn says I have to find seven interesting things to say about myself. Then I have to recommend seven of my favourite bloggers to you. So, here goes.

Hold on there. You probably have time to go and eat out, while I'm thinking of the interesting things.


Okay, here goes.


Nope. Damn, I had something there. Then it went straight out of my head.


I'll be right back. Go and have coffee and cake.


Right, here we go. Number One.


Aw, shucks. For a minute there, I thought ....


No, hang on, hang on, something's coming. It's faint, it's tenuous, but it's there ....


Boy, this is hard. A fly flew past my face and, bang, all concentration gone.


I'll just go and ask the Husband.


Hi, I'm back. Nope, he can't think of a thing either. I'll call my kids.


Sigh. Not a bean. They said they'd all have a good think and ring me back, but I've waited an hour now and the phone is uncomfortably silent.


I know. I'm just going to have to say NON-interesting…

How I know I've found a soul mate

I've found someone who's as enthusiastic about buses as I am. Yes, yes, I can hear you saying, 'Oh, so there are two of you in the world? What a coincidence that you should meet.'


I've decided he's a soulmate. Shame I'm already married, then. And shame he's only three-and-a-half.


He's the child of a friend of mine. I met him when I visited her in London, where we used to live, two days ago. She is a teacher at my previous school. She'd warned me by text message, 'Expect to be questioned about your bus preferences'. When she sent the message, I think she was expecting me to react with, 'Oh, damn. How boring will that be.'


She doesn't read my blog.


I got to the house and she made me coffee. Then I sat down. I hardly talked to Bus-Boy's Mum (BM). This is because I mainly conversed with Bus Boy (BB). The following is not a verbatim transcript of what went on, but I think the sentiments behind it are reproduced pretty faithfu…

Reasons why local newspaper ads are entertaining

Some fab items for sale in my local newspaper this week. Fab, but puzzling. My comments underneath each item.

Rocking chair with footstool.
So, how does that work? Feet gain contact with stool, feet lose contact with stool, feet gain contact with stool, feet lose contact with stool, feet gain .... you get the picture. And this is supposed to be a relaxing way to spend an evening?

Bed for sale. Comfortable.
Why, that's so disappointing. There was I, fussy as always, wanting a bed as hard as concrete and that completely guaranteed sleeplessness, and there's only comfortable ones. Oh well, I'll just have to look again next week.

Large wall mirror. Very pretty.
Is this meant to be some kind of comfort?
'Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?'
'Well, seeing as you look like a DOG with a DISEASE, my dear, that would be me, then.'

Nateral Pine Cabinet with Mirrowed Doors. £7.
I've heard of pine. I've heard of cabinets. And I've he…

Why I am already disappointed about this Christmas

I received this letter from Santa today.

Dear Miss

Thank you for your letter. It is a little unusual to be receiving Christmas lists before at least November, yes. I am sure you are sincere in your wish to 'spread the load' for me by sending it four months early. And, yes, I do remember your list from last year. It was one of the more memorable ones. I am sorry I could not fulfil all your wishes and I hope that the 'Disappointment at Not Receiving George Clooney for Christmas' counselling course that you mention has proved beneficial.

Concerning this year's requests, I will deal with them one by one. May I say at this juncture that, should there be another counselling course available soon, it may be as well for you to book yourself a place.

1. I am afraid I am completely out of 'Make Your Middle-Aged Husband into a Greek God' kits. These did disappear rather rapidly last year, as you can imagine. In fact, they were not that successful and I am still expect…