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Saturday, 6 December 2008

Why Santa isn't all he's cracked up to be

I received this letter from Santa today.

Dear Miss,
Thank you for the long and detailed letter about your Christmas wish list. It made interesting reading. I regret to say that your requests will prove difficult for me to supply, so I thought I should write and point out why.

Unfortunately, no one has yet invented a device that converts 'two Ryvitas with Marmite and cucumber' into 'a whacking great baguette stuffed with Brie, sundried tomatoes and olives'. Neither has anyone invented a device which reduces the calorie count of a whacking great baguette to that of a Ryvita sandwich. So I am afraid that the first item on your list will have to wait until someone has invented such a thing. I would not hold your breath.

Regarding your second request, I have enclosed an advice leaflet which I have designed specifically for people like you. It is entitled, 'How to Live a Contented Life Without Winning the X-Factor'. I have also enclosed another leaflet which may help: 'How to Have Realistic Expectations when you Don't Sing Very Well'. I hope these are of use and I am sorry if you are disappointed.

Your third request caused some disruption here in the Lapland office. I did manage to get hold of a literary agent and he sounded interested in your novel, but getting him into the sack was another matter. It took us a while to tidy up. I think you may need to explore other options.

As for your fourth item, I am sure that Leona Lewis would be flattered, but if there were two of you, don't you think things could get confusing? Having said that, I suppose you would only have to open your mouth and sing a few notes, and the confusion would be dispelled. I cannot fulfil your request, but could advise staying away from shop windows, mirrors and the reflective glasses of attractive men, just as a stopgap.

I have tried to contact George Clooney to ask him about your last item, but his agent informs me that Mr Clooney holidays in Barbados or Mauritius and therefore does not wish to take a vacation in your house in Warwickshire, although he is sure it is a very nice location.
love, Santa
PS Most of the letters I receive have some element of idealism about them, but I have to say that, in the light of your letter, I am viewing this year's post differently.

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