Why Santa isn't all he's cracked up to be
Thank you for the long and detailed letter about your Christmas wish list. It made interesting reading. I regret to say that your requests will prove difficult for me to supply, so I thought I should write and point out why.
Unfortunately, no one has yet invented a device that converts 'two Ryvitas with Marmite and cucumber' into 'a whacking great baguette stuffed with Brie, sundried tomatoes and olives'. Neither has anyone invented a device which reduces the calorie count of a whacking great baguette to that of a Ryvita sandwich. So I am afraid that the first item on your list will have to wait until someone has invented such a thing. I would not hold your breath.
Regarding your second request, I have enclosed an advice leaflet which I have designed specifically for people like you. It is entitled, 'How to Live a Contented Life Without Winning the X-Factor'. I have also enclosed another leaflet which may help: 'How to Have Realistic Expectations when you Don't Sing Very Well'. I hope these are of use and I am sorry if you are disappointed.
Your third request caused some disruption here in the Lapland office. I did manage to get hold of a literary agent and he sounded interested in your novel, but getting him into the sack was another matter. It took us a while to tidy up. I think you may need to explore other options.
As for your fourth item, I am sure that Leona Lewis would be flattered, but if there were two of you, don't you think things could get confusing? Having said that, I suppose you would only have to open your mouth and sing a few notes, and the confusion would be dispelled. I cannot fulfil your request, but could advise staying away from shop windows, mirrors and the reflective glasses of attractive men, just as a stopgap.