Reasons why I should start driving again
- Clip my nails and leave the parings where they landed (ie between the seats, on the floor, in people's hair, lodged in burgers).
- Rehearse a very poorly-written play out loud for an hour with a friend.
- Spill mayonnaise from my sandwich onto the floor, then sit with my feet in it so that I spread mayo footprints up and down the aisle.
- Kiss with tongues, and with lots of noise, until I reached my partner's epiglottis.
- Fall to sleep on a stranger's shoulder, making 'I'm having an erotic dream' noises.
- Have a phone conversation about my irritable bowel in pictorial and graphic detail so that the whole carriage of passengers shift uncomfortably in their seats.
They are, however, things I have seen done on my last couple of train journeys.
I know what you're thinking, if you're a regular reader. 'If she'll eat olives from a jar of oil on a bus, presumably her good behaviour on trains can't be guaranteed.'
But even I have standards.
The thing is, on British trains anyway, no one dares comment. Someone could be kissing with tongues, mayonnaise and nail-parings while reciting a play and making erotic noises with their bowels, and everyone would just pretend it was normal behaviour.
I'm beginning to wonder whether giving my car away was a good idea.