Evidence that giving blood could leave you with little energy for entering your own competitions

I had a text earlier.  It said, THANK YOU SO MUCH, FRAN, FOR GIVING BLOOD TODAY. YOUR HELP WAS MUCH APPRECIATED.

I smiled.  I felt really virtuous, glad that I'd been able to help, happy that my sacrifice would perhaps save the life of someone else, pleased that because of me, because of my willingness to lie there and have a pint of life-giving fluid taken, because of my philanthropic ideals and my desire to help my fellow man, I could rest easy, knowing that I'd done my bit.

Then I thought ...





Hang on.  WHEN DID I GIVE BLOOD?


As far as I know, I haven't given blood today, nor have I ever.




Or ... do they know something I don't?



Have I been visited?  Aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhh!












Having not given blood, and therefore having plenty of energy, I feel the need to run a caption competition to accompany this picture.  There are no prizes.  Not only are there no prizes, but I am going to enter my own competition lots of times.  Here are my entries.  

1. Honestly, darling.  I told you that biting into that raw beetroot was going to end in tears.

2. Dad, I've told you again and again.  Don't turn up to fetch me from school after you've been to have your teeth sharpened.  You're SO embarrassing.

3. Look, it's no good, old boy.  I know you want a career as an opera singer - in fact, you can belt out a tune, there's no doubt - but we just don't think your facial appearance is very ... well ... to put it kindly, flexible enough.

4. I says to 'im, Jim, I says, if you make that face when the wind's blowin', you'll stay like that.  An' would 'e listen?  Would 'e listen?  Would 'e 'eck as like.

5. Percy was finding that, although he enjoyed dressing up in fine clothing at the weekends, the make-up he was using contained allergens to which he was not reacting well.  

6. You too can discover the advantages of starching your collars so stiffly that it pushes your face into impossible contortions.

7. Sweetheart, are you sure you checked out that Botox clinic before you had the treatment?

8. Martin had put his profile picture on 'Find your Match.com' and was awaiting replies.  Unfortunately, he had been a-waiting now for twenty-three years.

9. Sharon's new date seemed to find her jokes extremely funny.  She only wished he did not need to be attached to her neck to appreciate them.

10. School report: 'Dracula has behaved extremely well this year and excels in Carpentry, although his choice of project (large rectangular boxes with lids) has perhaps proved unchallenging considering his abilities. 



Comments

  1. Karen Jones Gowen17/5/10 14:21

    LOL to this post! So much better than reading Twilight, and faster, too.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Mise17/5/10 14:28

    Good captions, all, but the mysterious text wins out for intrigue.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Martin17/5/10 14:55

    Filming was delayed when Christopher Lee inadvertently sat on a pointy prop after misunderstanding the director's remarks about Dracula getting a stake in 'the end'.

    Sorry, it's the best I could do. It's getting late and feeding time approaches!

    ReplyDelete
  4. rachel17/5/10 15:28

    Oh dear, Fran - that was a text from your parallel universe, slightly out of sync with your present time. I suspect you'll be giving blood tomorrow.......

    ReplyDelete
  5. Friko17/5/10 15:32

    That's what you get when you go to an NHS dentist.

    Is it full moon outside yet?

    What do you mean, this is not a fancy dress party?

    ReplyDelete
  6. Annie (Lady M) x17/5/10 16:11

    Funny vampire captions.. but what the devil are they texting you for, if you didn't give blood?

    ReplyDelete
  7. Deborah17/5/10 16:55

    Way to intimidate the other contestants, Fran.
    You think I'm going to stick my neck out just to try and top all that?

    ReplyDelete
  8. Moptop17/5/10 17:18

    I asked for my steak to be well-done. I hope you're not going to charge me for this, Gordon?

    ReplyDelete
  9. Steve18/5/10 00:06

    He's a bad kisser if he smears his lipstick that much!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Talli Roland18/5/10 01:14

    Haha! I agree - the text wins! That's hilarious.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Ashley Ashbee18/5/10 03:00

    Hahaha I always thought Dracula was quite a catch... I'm glad he's a master carpenter, though his projects are indeed... disturbing.

    ReplyDelete
  12. InvisibleWoman18/5/10 04:28

    Oh Darling, not my eye liner as well? Isn't time you bought your own make-up?

    ReplyDelete
  13. Jayne18/5/10 05:50

    I now have a lovely picture in my mind of Dracula texting after each night-time visit to say thank you. :)

    My caption would be:

    Can I take these new dentures out now, please?

    ReplyDelete
  14. Fran Hill18/5/10 10:50

    KarenG - Aarrggghh! The T word!

    Mise - yes, next time I get that text, I'll know something's really up. They can make that mistake once ....

    Martin - it may have been late, but it was a good one!

    Rachel - nope, no sign of needles today either.

    Friko - I'm so glad you said that! It reminded me of my dentist appointment this week! And now I really wish I hadn't posted the picture ...

    Annie - I wish I knew, I wish I knew.

    Deborah - you know you want to ...

    Moptop - great steak/stake joke. Always a good one.

    Steve - thankfully, I haven't had the chance to test that out. At least, I think .....

    Talli - yes, the text was definitely a winner. And it inspired a whole post!

    Lovable - a DIY enthusiast .. and a BIY one, too (Bite it Yourself) I hear.

    Invisible - I know, it's SO annoying when they pinch our stuff! Can't remember when I last saw my favourite lipstick.

    Jayne - again, as I said to Friko, I really wish I hadn't inspired people's comments about dentists. Yes, the text from Dracula would be a great spoof on the real story. Techno-Gothic, or something like that.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Private19/5/10 05:54

    "Thanks for holding. You are currently number... 654 in line. An operator will be with you shortly."

    ReplyDelete
  16. Karen19/5/10 06:34

    You should declare yourself the winner and award yourself a lovely (chocolatey) prize.

    The best I could do was,

    "Oops. I've overdone the flossing again."

    I'll get my coat ...

    ReplyDelete
  17. Fran Hill19/5/10 13:59

    Alexandra - you are SO right! That is exactly what is happening in the picture!

    Karen - No, no, put your coat back, I liked the flossing caption. Yuk, but good.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Val19/5/10 16:36

    Er... think I'll pass on captioning it, all I can think is he looks like a bad ventriloquist's dummy. How about "Gottle of Glood"?

    ReplyDelete
  19. Fran Hill20/5/10 14:17

    Val - Indeed. I'm just glad I'm not the ventriloquist operating him. I suspect things could get rather out of control.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Pam 20/5/10 16:34

    "I've just eaten Beoleech."

    ReplyDelete
  21. Lane Savant21/5/10 08:32

    Bloody Poetry

    Blood Donor

    To all the gun fighters out there
    To all the bad drivers.
    To the clumsy.
    To the stupid.
    To the irresponsible-
    and those who don't cover their

    coughs

    Have a pint on me.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Fran Hill21/5/10 10:10

    Isabelle - yes! He has! He has!

    Lane - Is that yours? Good one.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Michaeld21/5/10 10:50

    "Hey Dracula is that Fran over their? Hey no need to look so scared. She hasn't seen us."

    ReplyDelete
  24. Fran Hill22/5/10 01:10

    Michaeld - ho ho ho. What ARE you trying to say about the way I look? Okay, okay, maybe you have a point ...

    ReplyDelete
  25. Michaeld22/5/10 01:27

    I think me using "their" - where it should have been "there" must be even worse than the joke. For you as an English teacher that must be as bad as using "your" instead of "you're". It would set even Dracula's teeth on edge.

    No offence meant with the caption. Just couldn't resist such a high ball.

    Great site. Fabulous

    ReplyDelete
  26. Fran Hill22/5/10 04:09

    Thanks, Michaeld. No offence taken at all. You'll soon get used to my love of the ironic comment if you stick around. Thanks for your nice comments about the blog.

    ReplyDelete
  27. michaeld22/5/10 07:07

    Yeah that all said and done, have I won the caption competition? I was already planning my all expenses paid, weekend for two in Tenby.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Pam 22/5/10 15:33

    I've just been reading your articles in the TLS (which I greatly enjoyed) and now I know what you look like. I feel this qualifies me as a genuine stalker. He he he.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Fran Hill23/5/10 01:55

    Isabelle - sorry you had to look at my photo. I don't usually try to upset my readers like that. Please do keep coming back.

    I wish I WAS published in the TLS which is the Times Literary Supplement, but they won't have me because I'm too flippant. The TES guys are less fussy, obviously.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Fran Hill23/5/10 09:14

    michaeld - yes, of course you have won! Here is your prize. At least, I thought it was here. I SWEAR I had it right here. Oh bother. Sorry.

    ReplyDelete
  31. Pam 25/5/10 13:38

    Ooops, I meant the TES. Slip of the finger. Frankly, I never read the TES, which is very bad of me since I should. But I didn't realise it had funny things in it like your articles.
    I don't actually read the TLS either. Not much.

    I do read, though. Blogs, for instance.

    ReplyDelete
  32. Fran Hill25/5/10 14:17

    Isabelle - I don't read the TLS either. If there's one paper that makes an English teacher feel inadequate, it's that one.

    ReplyDelete

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