Reasons why you shouldn't believe what it says on the packet
I've also always wanted Big Lips.
I have also always wanted a Small Body.
All of this makes me sound as though what I desire most in life is to be a Barbie doll. It's not far from the truth, but it's not going to happen. The days are long gone when I could apply for a job as Keira Knightly's double. I applied for a job as her quadruple not long ago and got to second interview, but even that would have meant me going on a cabbage and water diet.
I try to look at the positives of not being like Barbie. Number 1: Barbie dolls can't stuff three doughnuts and a bar of Dairy Milk a kilometre long and still look innocent - the look of sudden pregnancy gives them away. Number 2: Barbie dolls have to marry men called Ken. Number 3: Real people proportioned like Barbie dolls fall over easily and, although there is a good chance they will bounce back up because their breasts are like the air bags on a Volvo Estate, that's a lot of purple bruising to NOT go with your orange flowery-patterned bra.
Even though I don't have the Big Hair or the Small Body, I am still in pursuit of the Big Lips.
And I thought I'd found the answer......
I bought a new lip gloss product on Saturday called something like 'Plump Up Your Lips So That They Look As Though They are Inside Out' from the chemist. I was hoping it would make my mouth look a bit more substantial and less like the lips of a 93 year old who's just found a joke offensive.
I guess I could go and have lip plumping treatment instead. I don't know what lip plumping surgery is called - I get confused between that and liposuction which I thought meant hoovering up your mouth until I saw pictures on the TV and realised it meant someone hoovering your abdomen from the inside as though they were casually clearing industrial waste, only just narrowly missing the mouth, in fact.
This lip-enlarging gloss makes your lips tingle, which it says on the tube is how you know it's working. The first time I put some on, in a coffee shop next to the chemist where I bought the gloss, the tingling went on for so long, I thought I was going to end up like this, with two bouncy castles between my nose and chin.
|Something about the hats just made it all look so, so much worse|
I surreptitiously pulled out my handbag mirror to see if my lips were growing. Something had to happen to make it worth feeling as though my mouth was having its own earth tremors.
But I looked no different at all except that my 'didn't-enjoy-that-joke' lips were just a lot lot shinier, as though my non-enjoyment of the joke had given rise to a strange lip phenomenon in which my unamused lips produced a sticky serum, a bit like a squid releases ink automatically, only not blue. (Advice to beginner comedians: watch the lips of your audience. Should they begin to resemble the insides of the stomach lining after the consumption of a vat of syrup, get to the punchline more quickly.)
So all I was left with was lips which were only just recovering from a major natural disaster, and less money in my purse, as well as a coffee cup I couldn't get a-hold of with my mouth.
*Big Middle-Aged What-A-Loser-You-Are-For-Falling-For-It Sigh*
Oh well ..... I guess there are advantages to just staying as you are.
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