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Monday, 11 July 2011

Reasons why you shouldn't believe what it says on the packet

Regular readers will know I've always wanted Big Hair.  Irregular readers can follow the link to find out more if they wish.

I've also always wanted Big Lips.

I have also always wanted a Small Body.

All of this makes me sound as though what I desire most in life is to be a Barbie doll.  It's not far from the truth, but it's not going to happen.  The days are long gone when I could apply for a job as Keira Knightly's double.  I applied for a job as her quadruple not long ago and got to second interview, but even that would have meant me going on a cabbage and water diet.

I try to look at the positives of not being like Barbie.  Number 1: Barbie dolls can't stuff three doughnuts and a bar of Dairy Milk a kilometre long and still look innocent - the look of sudden pregnancy gives them away.  Number 2: Barbie dolls have to marry men called Ken.  Number 3: Real people proportioned like Barbie dolls fall over easily and, although there is a good chance they will bounce back up because their breasts are like the air bags on a Volvo Estate, that's a lot of purple bruising to NOT go with your orange flowery-patterned bra.

Even though I don't have the Big Hair or the Small Body, I am still in pursuit of the Big Lips.

And I thought I'd found the answer......

I bought a new lip gloss product on Saturday called something like 'Plump Up Your Lips So That They Look As Though They are Inside Out' from the chemist.  I was hoping it would make my mouth look a bit more substantial and less like the lips of a 93 year old who's just found a joke offensive.

I guess I could go and have lip plumping treatment instead.  I don't know what lip plumping surgery is called - I get confused between that and liposuction which I thought meant hoovering up your mouth until I saw pictures on the TV and realised it meant someone hoovering your abdomen from the inside as though they were casually clearing industrial waste, only just narrowly missing the mouth, in fact.

This lip-enlarging gloss makes your lips tingle, which it says on the tube is how you know it's working.  The first time I put some on, in a coffee shop next to the chemist where I bought the gloss, the tingling went on for so long, I thought I was going to end up like this, with two bouncy castles between my nose and chin.


Something about the hats just made it all look so, so much worse


I surreptitiously pulled out my handbag mirror to see if my lips were growing.  Something had to happen to make it worth feeling as though my mouth was having its own earth tremors.

But I looked no different at all except that my 'didn't-enjoy-that-joke' lips were just a lot lot shinier, as though my non-enjoyment of the joke had given rise to a strange lip phenomenon in which my unamused lips produced a sticky serum, a bit like a squid releases ink automatically, only not blue.  (Advice to beginner comedians: watch the lips of your audience.  Should they begin to resemble the insides of the stomach lining after the consumption of a vat of syrup, get to the punchline more quickly.)

So all I was left with was lips which were only just recovering from a major natural disaster, and less money in my purse, as well as a coffee cup I couldn't get a-hold of with my mouth.

*Big Middle-Aged What-A-Loser-You-Are-For-Falling-For-It Sigh*


Oh well ..... I guess there are advantages to just staying as you are.


Bring something new into your relationships.
Buy our new lip gloss and give your partner a kiss like a jellyfish attack.

26 comments:

  1. Bloody hell, is that woman in the last picture real? That is hideous. Sorry to hear that your lips didn't grow. Maybe chewing a bee might help? Temporarily?! Maybe?

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  2. That's why God gave us lipliner--so you can make your lips thicker or thinner. However, why He didn't give us bodyliner so we could have bigger boobs or a smaller tummy, I'll never know.

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  3. ARGH my eyes, my eyes. Can't you just purse them or something. Works for the likes of Victoria Beckham

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  4. I get an allergic reaction to some pills that makes my lips swell up. It feels odd and when the swelling goes away I have chapped lips from the stretching. Does that sound as though it would please you?
    Funny and well written post.

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  5. We have a lot of thin-lipped women driving Range Rovers, around here. Not pleasant.

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  6. My husband thinks he has thin lips, his solution is a beard and moustache...maybe cultivating a new fashion in ladies facial hair is the solution. You could experiment with dye, bobbles and bows, or those lovely shaved in patterns (like what the boys in my class think are "proper sick").

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  7. Big lips aren't that great. My dad was always threatening to give me a thick lip when I was a teenager for my constant cheek. I guess the two kind of go together.

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  8. On holiday, we saw a woman who'd obviously had (unsuccessful) lip plumping surgery. I'd never seen a trout pout before - it was dreadful. Keep your thin lips, Fran. You're probably the only person who thinks they're too thin, anyway. And paint a new mouth on as and when you want it.

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  9. When I was about eight years old, I had an attack of hives that swelled my lips just like the girls' lips in that picture. Very embarrassing. My father kept trying to lighten my mood, calling me a Ubangi. It didn't help.

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  10. I've always coveted big lips too, and would definitely try fillers if I wasn't terrified I'd end up looking like one of those terrifying pictures above. I'm always on the lookout for a new 'lip-plumping' lip-gloss, but none of them have worked so far.

    A friend jokingly suggested punching me in the mouth once - at least I think she was joking ...

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  11. I was laughing long before I got to Charlotte's suggestion of a beard - with bows. Go for it Fran!

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  12. I used to work in a cosmetic surgery clinic and I can tell you that I've seen waaayyy too many plumped up lips! Yucko! I'm sure yours are much better the way they are.

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  13. Now Fran, I thought I requested posts about bus journeys, not pictures of scary people. (Oh DEAR.)

    I've never been that bothered about my lips. Hips, now, that's a different story.

    Are you on holiday now? That's quite like retirement, really. Isn't it?

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  14. Well, you could try munching some wasps

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  15. The Cat Woman is creepy. The way she looks. And that she would deliberately go thru all that plastic surgery!

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  16. Hahahaha, I tried some of that lip plumping goo a while back.
    I put it one and did a posing lean on the kitchen worktop waiting for my husband to comment on my inflated lips. They looked like a pair of saveloys and were hard to miss.
    Still I had to ask him "Do you notice anything?"
    "You haven't washed up the breakfast stuff" was his reply.

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  17. I don't know . Barbie doll has her fans but they're usually rather younger than George Clooney .... and female . So you might want to rethink ....
    We spent rather a long time in A&E last month while Husband did the Big Lip allergic thing but since we never did discover what he "took against" , I'm afraid I can't pass on the secret of the Sudden Pout .
    Fenella Fielding did a lot with false eyelashes and a husky voice .... it's worth a try .

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  18. How can I find out what the inside of the stomach lining looks like?
    When I tell a joke people usually just groan and roll their eyes.

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  19. Brilliant! Why aren't you writing for a comedy series (or are you). This one reminds me of the episode of Doc Martin where the cop has bought a bottle of "Big Boy" pills.

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  20. Annie - she USED to be real. Once. Thanks for the bee tip. I will pop into my local beekeeping society and ask if they hire any out.

    fishducky - the only thing lip liner does for me is to say, 'Hey everyone, now she's outlined her lips, see how thin they are????'

    Tara Cain - Victoria Beckham's lips, I don't want. She never smiles. Not in public, anyway.

    English Rider - please send the pills. What will I be cured of if I take them, as well as getting big lips?

    Martin - that was a funny image, a load of thin lipped women driving in Range Rovers. It made me laugh.

    Charlotte - thanks for the beard tip. Maybe I'll stick with the lips - fewer people stare.

    Steve - the only thing is, one thick lip DOES look silly when the other one isn't thick at all.

    Frances - my daughter gave me some lip gloss a couple of years ago called 'Trout Pout'. I'm not quite sure what she was implying ...

    June - I'm only allergic to one thing. My thin lips.

    Karen - why do we waste our money on the plump-your-lips products? Being punched in the face is cheaper.

    hausfrau - see above. Suggestion already rejected. My self-esteem is such that a beard may be of little help ..

    Talli - I bet you've got some stories!

    Isabelle - on HOLiday? I wish! Yesterday, ofsted inspection. Today, just generally yuk. on HOLiday? Another 7 days to go ...

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  21. Jenny - it's the way you suggest 'munching' as though it would be pleasurable...

    Elephant's Eye - she probably started like me, thinking, 'oh, just a little itsy bitsy procedure ...' and then couldn't stop.

    Anna - Comment of the Day!!!

    SmitandSon - false eyelashes, husky voice and THIN lips! Not a nice look!

    Friko - there are ways to find out what the inside of a stomach lining is like, but, you may prefer to just sit and read the paper, to be honest.

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  22. Susan - Ah, I wish, I wish.

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  23. My lips seem to be like yours too. I wonder why they try to disappear as you get older?? Lip plumpers and antiwrinkle creams are useless because you have to remember to use them.
    I watched the 50 worst plastic surgery disasters the other night and the bottom lady was on there. It was the awful pumped up lips that made them all look grotesque. Be glad you can purse your lips.
    I think the inside of a stomach might look like tripe.
    Are the top two for real, or did they get them out of a lucky bag? Buy a lucky bag pair.

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  24. If you don't mind having enormous hands alongside the big lips and small body, you could aim to become a cortical homunculus. This would open doors to a new, globe-trotting career, since you would be much in demand at medical colleges around the world.

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  25. Sue J - Yes, I too wonder why they disappear as people get older. Eventually they seem to make their way inside your mouth cavity, leaving only vertical lines around the edges so people can tell where your lips once were. Euthanasia has its ups, that's for sure.

    Stan - would they put me in their journals? I've always wanted my picture in magazines, although I admit that's not what I was thinking. Still, I'll go for that, if no other offers come.

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  26. Can't understand why women think lips like the sides of kiddies' paddling pools look attractive. Remember, those artificial lips often lose feeling, so you don't quite know whether that spoonful of tomato soup is heading for yer mouth. The poor woman in your picture for whom it went wrong proves the point - "If there's a bottom to human vanity, no one has found it yet, but plenty will keep on looking."

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