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Wednesday, 10 October 2012

Evidence that problems in concentration have fully taken hold ...

Honestly!

I google 'Nursery Rhymes' because I'm thinking I might ruin a few for people by adapting them, just for something to do.  Up comes 'Baa Baa Black Sheep'.  I click on that to get the rhyme, and it takes me straight to a website featuring Italian women in skimpy underwear and a big flashing message saying, 'I am Lolita and if you call me right now, we can do lots of sexy talk.'

Well, Lolita, I am Fran, and if I called you right now, I'm afraid sexy talk would not be on the agenda, but just to pep up your night, I could run you through the basics of semicolons, the apostrophe, and the difference between the active and passive voice.

Hey!  Am I onto something here? If I set up a chatline, offering advice on grammar, but in a husky-husky  voice, would I get many takers?  I could give it a go, because I've just had a cold, and am at that stage where you sound like a woman in a Bond movie, until, that is, you start coughing like a woman in a costume drama who's going to snuff it big-time by episode 3.  Not quite so sexy.


Don't die!  Don't die!  You haven't finished telling me about the possessive apostrophe yet!


So, I'm completely distracted now from my original idea of ruining nursery rhymes.  I get distracted easily these days.  In the department office at work today, I started walking around the room to fetch something, then forgot what, so I got half-way there and stopped, suddenly saying out loud, 'Why am I here?'

There was an awkward pause and everyone stopped talking, because no one knew whether I ...

a) was experiencing major existential angst
b) had got lost (it's quite a big office and my poor sense of direction is legendary)
c) was thinking of a job change
d) had forgotten what I'd got up to do

I would have claimed existential angst, just for the chance to be able to say 'existential angst', but that phrase is full of s sounds, and I was eating a Hovis digestive at the time, and peppering your colleagues with bits of soggy crumb isn't the best way to foster departmental harmony.

They would probably just have said, 'Yes, why ARE you here?  Bog off, you piece of departmental excess.'

Anyway ...

Baa Baa Black Sheep
Have you any wool?....

No, sir, of course not,
This stuff ALL OVER MY BODY is a man-made cardigan I bought from Marks & Spencer.  Dur!









35 comments:

  1. A sexy grammar chatline? Maybe this would help young adults read and write more well...weller...better.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're first on the list for a call, sunshine. We need to talk.

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  2. I would love to join you in this venture and make sexy grammar talk.

    Love,
    Janie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We could also talk about oxymorons - sexy grammar. Ha ha.

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    2. I have adult children and I use plastic silverware for picnics.

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  3. Or how to make a double entendre with a semi colon?

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  4. never mind anything else, Lolita looks like she needs reminding about the full stop...or will you tell her to be safe with a semi-condom?

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  5. I started to type in Blogger once but the computer hit on sites after blo.... you can imagine my raised eyebrows over my tea & toast that morning !

    Jess tells me she read that you have to say "Ba Ba Rainbow sheep" in schools today - just not quite the same ring to it !

    I think sexy grammar talk would be quite enlightening !

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    Replies
    1. Do they not care about scansion these days either?

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  6. I thought black sheep had been banned? My grandchildren in their PC schools sing if pink and blue sheep instead (thus confusing them for life, but hey! It's only education).

    Apropos your phone calls, you could offer a spot of high semi colonic lavage?

    Enjoyed the post!

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    Replies
    1. Well, at least that would scan, unlike 'rainbow'. But I fear for any potential farming careers. And as for your comment on the phone calls, it made me lave a lot.

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    2. Please don't tell me this is true about black sheep being banned

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  7. You'd have to make sure you were being fully inclusive - you know: homophones, lower cases etc.... and as long as people didn't think you were prepositioning them!

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    Replies
    1. I love the comments this post has inspired!

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  8. If you had surgery to shorten your colon, would you be left with a semicolon?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, maybe, but I don't fancy being punctuated in such a drastic way.

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  9. A grammar chatline? Yes, great idea. And can we have one for spelling, and how to translate text speak into plain English, and helpful tips on finding what you actually want on Google?

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  10. I like a pint of Black Sheep. But that's not the same thing at all, is it?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have a feeling your mind is on other things, Steve.

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  11. Lolita may know quite a lot about active and passive voices already ... the apostrophe may still be a mystery , though .

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It is to many. She is in good company....

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  12. This chat line malarkey could be a winner........a help for us poor older ladies who keep forgetting stuff because I know so much less now than I did at school ..... my head is now filled to the (thinning hair)brim with stuff and life and work and kids and parents and shopping and cooking and cleaning and farting and cats and friends and cars and insurance and university fees and dinner and aaaaaaarrrrrrggggh.................and breathe.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I agree, Libby. I think you should drop ALL that stuff and read a book on grammar. University fees? Parents? Insurance? Pff!

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  13. I just badly need the grammar lessons without the sexy talk, you are speaking english aren't you. Too many years have passed since I left school. I badly need punctuation and spelling lessons too. When does next term start?

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    Replies
    1. To be honest, L & R, I think I'd have forgotten a great deal of it too if I didn't have to be teaching it day after day after day after day. In fact, I think grammar may well be the ONLY thing I still know. I remember zilch about the Industrial Revolution, chlorophyll and algebra.

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  14. Oh what a lovely post! I am full of smiles!

    Anna :o]

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    Replies
    1. That's good to hear. Smiles are my Best Thing.

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  15. It's the talking aloud that should worry you, not the forgetting what you were doing...I hate to repeat the old saying, but it's the first sign...

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    Replies
    1. If you knew me, you'd know it wasn't the first sign at all....

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  16. We've just come back from Cumbria, where there were lots of nice fluffy black sheep. And our hotel was haunted. Seemingly. Particularly our room, according to the brochure. And we were the only guests. Apparently. And when I Googled the hotel on our return, I found that it featured on "Britain's Most Haunted". Argh!

    And you think you have problems.

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    Replies
    1. At least you can remember where you've been....

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  17. Why do I wait so long between visits? I think your chat line would be a huge success and if you can do it in the cold voice (aka Demi Moore, even better :)

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