I google 'Nursery Rhymes' because I'm thinking I might ruin a few for people by adapting them, just for something to do. Up comes 'Baa Baa Black Sheep'. I click on that to get the rhyme, and it takes me straight to a website featuring Italian women in skimpy underwear and a big flashing message saying, 'I am Lolita and if you call me right now, we can do lots of sexy talk.'
Well, Lolita, I am Fran, and if I called you right now, I'm afraid sexy talk would not be on the agenda, but just to pep up your night, I could run you through the basics of semicolons, the apostrophe, and the difference between the active and passive voice.
Hey! Am I onto something here? If I set up a chatline, offering advice on grammar, but in a husky-husky voice, would I get many takers? I could give it a go, because I've just had a cold, and am at that stage where you sound like a woman in a Bond movie, until, that is, you start coughing like a woman in a costume drama who's going to snuff it big-time by episode 3. Not quite so sexy.
|Don't die! Don't die! You haven't finished telling me about the possessive apostrophe yet!|
So, I'm completely distracted now from my original idea of ruining nursery rhymes. I get distracted easily these days. In the department office at work today, I started walking around the room to fetch something, then forgot what, so I got half-way there and stopped, suddenly saying out loud, 'Why am I here?'
There was an awkward pause and everyone stopped talking, because no one knew whether I ...
a) was experiencing major existential angst
b) had got lost (it's quite a big office and my poor sense of direction is legendary)
c) was thinking of a job change
d) had forgotten what I'd got up to do
I would have claimed existential angst, just for the chance to be able to say 'existential angst', but that phrase is full of s sounds, and I was eating a Hovis digestive at the time, and peppering your colleagues with bits of soggy crumb isn't the best way to foster departmental harmony.
They would probably just have said, 'Yes, why ARE you here? Bog off, you piece of departmental excess.'
Baa Baa Black Sheep
Have you any wool?....
No, sir, of course not,
This stuff ALL OVER MY BODY is a man-made cardigan I bought from Marks & Spencer. Dur!