WHAT YOU'LL FIND ON THIS BLOG

Friday, 30 November 2012

Evidence that you can do a lot more with six words than you originally thought

I saw this sign in a pub the other day.





'Oh, shucks,' says a stressed mummy.  'Just as I was going to hook little Billy up there and find a way to have him pinned in one place for more than 5 minutes so I can have a bit of peace and quiet.  Now what do I do?'




Right.  I've posted the picture .... er ...what was I going to do then  ....?   I didn't think this through.

I know!  I'm going to rearrange the words to make different meanings.  Just because I can.  I wonder how many different combinations I can get out of this?.......

Children no allowed on board Dart - a notice devised by a foreigner who hasn't quite got the idea about how to form negatives, posted near a ramp leading up to an adults-only pleasure yacht named Dart.  On board Dart, things happen which children are not permitted to view.  The yacht is called Dart because when it goes, it goes, and if you're caught doing adults-only things when it starts off, you will fall over for sure and, if you're on deck at the time, probably overboard.  Which will give the kiddies a good laugh anyway and make up for no being allowed on board.

No dart allowed on board children - this is a notice you'll find in a lesser-known Amazonian jungle area to warn people not to shoot darts at certain types of children. These children are very special because they are the spawn of an Amazonian tribeswoman and a piece of tree bark she mated with, having found the tree bark to be a more entertaining companion than her husband who only ever wanted to talk about how big the fish was that he caught that day. If you shoot a board child with a dart, the dart pings back at you and kills you, so you'd better do what the notice says, or you're carrion.

Board allowed on no dart children - dart children are all the love-children of Usain Bolt.  There are many, and they have all inherited his incredible speed; as soon as they can crawl, they are doing it at 100 metres in 10 seconds, causing myriad problems for their mothers as the babies shoot up and down their halls like billiard balls and won't stop to have their nappies changed.  Oh, the board bit.  Er ... well ... er ... *thinks* ... ah yes!  In an attempt to stop this new species of dart children from reproducing, the government has instituted a Heavy Board law, and any children who are born to Usain Bolt have to have a board strapped onto the tops of their bodies to stop them from kicking their legs, thus preventing muscle development.  As this has made breastfeeding difficult, the Health Visitor Association have campaigned furiously to get the law repealed, so it hasn't been that successful a law yet.

Children-Dart allowed on no board - The Children-Dart is a new game becoming popular amongst fashionable people of child-bearing age and involves racing your friends to see who can start their families first and breed the first Mothercare catalogue models.  However, the one rule is that you are not allowed to procreate on a board.  Why would you do that, I hear you ask?  What?  You have not heard of the new practice from America involving making love on a board in order to increase your likelihood of having a child?  Tut tut.  Research has been done, my friends, and now the word is out, all the celebrities are getting it on while lying on a piece of wood and telling Hello Magazine all about it.  No, it's not comfortable, but then these are the same people who have their foreheads injected with poison and their noses reshaped to look like Nero's.

It wasn't the feather bed with silken sheets that the award-winning film star couple had dreamed of,
it had to be said.  


18 comments:

  1. I want to try the adults-only activities on board the Dart. I do not want to have sex on a board, but thanks for filling me in on new practices.

    Love,
    Janie

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    1. Always pleased to be of use.

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  2. Board the dart sounds both sexual and painful.

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    1. Aah. Unintended ambiguity ...

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  3. Dart is a great name for a power boat - imagine how fast it goes ! I've had a lovely giggle reading this - thanks !

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    1. Not as good as giving the same name to a pet tortoise.

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  4. Was Nero's nose particularly lovely? Must Google-image him... (that's a compound verb you wouldn't have found ten years ago...).

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  5. Have now done so. Hmm. It's quite straight but I think I might keep my own nose, which is reasonably inoffensive. His mouth is already rather like mine (on the small side) so no point in changing to his. But he has good hair. Wouldn't mind that. Would lying on a board help me to achieve this? Do tell.

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    1. I think the Roman nose is quite popular in plastic surgery terms, which is why I said Nero. Would lying on a board give you hair like Nero? I think all I can safely say is that you'd have a bad back. After that, no guarantees.

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  6. So the truth is out - outed by Anon. You're an expert in pinning children to dart boards. That's how you're such a good class disciplinarian.

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  7. I've heard of "the new practice from America involving making love on a board in order to increase your likelihood of having a child." Once upon a time I might have formed a splinter group to carry out further research. But that was before I became preoccupied with catching big fish.

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    Replies
    1. Ho ho ho. I knew you wood make a pun.

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  8. I must thank you for a very entertaining Sunday morning spent trying to make an anagram of No Children Allowed On Dart Board .
    I must get out more ....

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    1. I aim to please. Can't have you going out and enjoying the fresh air when you could be inside rearranging words.

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  9. Darts are for wussies. I always preferred javelin. They go great with children too.

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  10. You could have sneaked a comma in. No, children allowed on Dart Board. Then Mummy could enjoy her gin in peace..

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    Replies
    1. I wish I'd thought of this. And you'd all have had a much shorter blog post to endure.

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