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Friday, 25 January 2013

Evidence that no nursery rhyme is safe in Fran's hands

Okay.  It's been too long since I mauled some innocent little nursery rhymes to death....

Humpty Dumpty fell off a wall
But he was the size of Nepal.
All the king's horses and all the king's men
Said, 'We'll help him this time, but NEVER again.'


Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water
But Jill went 'Ohhhhhhhh!' and tore off her clothes
And (surprise!) gave birth to their daughter.


'Mary, Mary, quite contrary -
How does your garden grow?'
asked someone who was passing
who really wanted to know.
But Mary Mary quite contrary,
The question annoyed her so
She battered him with her spade.
Now he's the compost that helps it grow.


Jack be nimble, Jack be quick,
Jack jump over the candlestick.
Jack be singed in a delicate place.
Jack be red all over his face.


Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep
and doesn't know where to find 'em.
Check in the butcher's window, Bo.
Your lambsies are just behind him.
He's going to bash their little heads
And then he's going to use 'em
To make some steaks and sausage.
That'll teach you not to lose 'em.


Oh the grand old Duke of York.
He had ten thousand men.
He marched them up to the top of the hill
And he marched them down again.
They were most dischuffed, the men,
To be marched back down again,
So decided to nuke the silly old Duke
For over-working them.

The cover for Fran's new book of nursery rhymes was going to look a little different from this one






27 comments:

  1. There's a country song, that I've heard a couple of times... something about Mary didn't really give a damn. Sounds like that might appeal to you. BTW, I've long imagined Jack burning his dingly-danglies.

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    1. Poor Mary - she's had a bad press, hasn't she?

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  2. These all made me smile but I think I like the Mary, Mary quite contrary one the most.

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    1. Thanks, Stephen. Yes, that one appeals to me too!

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  3. I have never for an instant worried about Jack's anatomy.

    But why would anyone put a well on top of the hill? Surely water flows downwards. I think myself that Jack (the same Jack? I feel we need to know) and Jill were up to nefarious things. Possibly she pushed him down and then tumbled after to make it look like an accident. Or was it a botched murder/suicide?

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    1. I've never thought about the well up the hill thing! You're dead right!

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  4. Either Jack is crap at jumping or that was a whopping great candle stick.

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  5. Brilliant as always, though I feel that there is a rather nasty streak somewhere in you Fran!

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    1. In my defence, I have to say that lots of nursery rhymes have a sinister edge!

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    2. As do fairy tales. Hansel and Gretel is scary as can be.

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  6. The frisky-looking cow on the book cover looks as if she's going to 'jump' the moon, as opposed to jump over him.......

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    1. Yes, I see what you mean ... that's if the point of the moon doesn't pierce those udders first, spraying milk everywhere.

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  7. Maybe Jill should have thrown a bucket of water over Jack, so avoiding her awkward predicament.

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    1. I think they had to use the bucket of water. You always have to have a bucket of water at births.

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  8. Hilarious! My favorites are Jack and Jill and Mary Mary quite contrary.

    Love,
    Janie

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  9. Laughed so hard at the Humpty Dumpty & Mary Mary quite contrary ones.

    Mind you, I wouldn't want to get on the wrong side of Mary!

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    1. Good idea. I get the idea Mary calls a spade a spade.

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  10. I feel your attention should now be turned to Inky Pinky Ponky , a long-neglected minor classic in the genre .

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    1. Please say Inky Pinky Ponky is a donkey. It would help.

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  11. Thank you for this. I've just spent the afternoon with a phone / wi-fi geek fitting in a new system....
    I felt like screaming " what ever happened to the good old days ? "

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    1. We've spent over 2 hours this week on the phone to Virgin Media (we suspect, in India) being given instructions about how to get our internet working again. I sympathise.

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  12. Jack be nimble made me cross my legs in sympathy.

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    1. You can uncross them now, Martin. Sorry I took a few days to answer your comment, especially if you've been sitting there all that time.

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  13. Love nursery rhymes (and fairy tales). They can be so sinister. Did my dissertation on them. Fascinating, and slightly chilling!

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    1. I would love to read that dissertation. I'm fascinated by their history too. They don't need me to make them sinister, as you say!

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