WHAT YOU'LL FIND ON THIS BLOG

Saturday, 8 June 2013

Evidence that Fran continues to provide entertainment for the general public at great cost to her dignity

My guitar case and I have had a couple of adventures lately.  Let me introduce you to my guitar case so that you can visualise my experiences.





That's its front.  Now, here's a picture of its back.





(Aren't you thrilled you came along to read this?  Who needs sex or chocolate or a visit to Disneyland when you can come here instead and look at pictures of my guitar case?)



Black IS a bit boring, isn't it?  I have to say, it's not until today when I decided to entertain you all with my guitar case that I realise how plain and functional it looks.  I'd really rather have one that looks like this.





... except that this one would clash with the bright orange skin-tight plunge-neckline sequinned catsuit I wear to performances, and that would look silly on the bus, so perhaps I'll stick with the black one.


Anyway, I was going to tell you about my experiences.


Experience 1:

As you can see from the second picture, the case is designed to be carried on the back, like a rucksack.  Well, it's easier than it looks, getting those straps on your back.  And that's why, a couple of weeks ago, I found myself tangled up in my own guitar case, in the street, unable to move my arms, and with the case welded to me in an awkward position.  I don't quite know what went wrong.  All I know is, I had to stand there for 5 minutes, trying to extricate myself, for all the world like Houdini-gone-very-awry, and all in the view of the general public (and you know how, during these embarrassing moments, EVERYBODY comes out for a walk).

If I could find a picture on Google entitled 'Woman trapped by own guitar case' so I could show you what it looked like, I would.  But, whaddya know?  That's just ME then.


Experience 2:

I was walking to church (where I play my guitar pretty often) and went past a bench, on which was sitting an elderly lady.

'Morning,' I said, trying to be friendly.  Why do I never learn that it's best to just ignore people?

'Morning,' she said.  'What's that on your back, my dear?  Is it your skateboard?'

It occurred to me that, if there was an annual competition entitled 'Most Ill-judged Character Analysis Ever' she would have won it.  My skateboard?  Did I look like someone who was off to the skate park?  I checked the back of my jeans quickly.  Nope, my pants weren't showing.  I looked down.  Nope, I wasn't wearing trainers three sizes too big with laces that trailed back to another village.  I felt my head.  Nope, I wasn't wearing a cap on backwards that bore a 'New York' or 'Atlanta' logo and with a peak that reached down to the back of my knees.

What was most dispiriting about the whole incident was that when I said, 'No, it's my guitar,' thinking 'Oh, she'll think that's pretty cool anyway' she looked right disappointed and turned her head away to gaze, fascinated, at a discarded crisp packet instead.

Next week: Travels with a mobile phone sock.  I bet you can hardly wait.


29 comments:

  1. I'm on pins & needles--what happened with your mobile phone sock?

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    1. Actually, nothing yet. But I'm sure it will. I'm sure it will.

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  2. Well, come to think of it, you are a bit of a Peter Pan character...I bet you look really funky with a guitar on your back. You make me laugh so much Fran Hill :) :) Great blogpost, as ever...

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    1. I haven't looked funky since 1974. And even then that was only in my own eyes. No one else liked the Bay City Roller trousers, cheesecloth blouse and woolly scarf look.

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  3. Maybe she recognised your musical aspect but got the wrong word. She meant skiffleboard. She was, after all, elderly and possibly the era of skiffle was the last time she paid any attention to popular music. Much like me and the Beatles. Were you wearing drainpipe trousers with your hair in a quiff?

    Actually, you're probably too young to know about skiffle. Another example of communication problems between the generations.

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    1. Of course I know about skiffle! It's where you roll a ball and see how many you can knock down! How could you doubt me?

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  4. that the socks are walking, OK. That your phone has little feet to put its little socks on? No!

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    1. Now THERE is a marketing idea someone has missed.

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  5. I, for one, would be much more excited about encountering someone with a guitar than a skateboard.

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    1. Shame you live so far away, then, Stephen, or I would be happy to parade past you while you sat on a bench.

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  6. Please tell me you don't play Kum Ba Ya at the church.

    P.S. Meet you at the skate park at 12.

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    1. Of course I do. And then I do an interpretative dance with a tambourine and a ribbon.

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    2. Seven Veils style? Sounds like Church Has Got Talent.

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  7. Given that most skateboarders seem to spend most of their time falling off or tripping over their 'wheels', having them strapped to your back (the wheels, not the skateboarders) is probably the safest option.

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    1. This is very true. I hardly fall off my guitar, ever.

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  8. Next time you find yourself in an 'experience 1' situation, quickly throw a hat onto the floor - then when you've finally extricated yourself, folks might be impressed and throw money in the hat.............

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    1. I've been looking for years for a money-making opportunity, and it was staring me straight in the face. Dur!

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  9. Ha ha! Brilliant Fran - I think you would have appreciated my journey to the Woman's Weekly Fiction Workshop - I somehow think that you might have had the same morning I had. Skin-tight, olunge-neckine, bright orange cat suit...really!

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    1. It's the only outfit for church.

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  10. Stop! I've got hiccups now ...

    And just a thought , are you safe round ribbons?

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    1. I'm not safe round anything. I think my blog posts make this perfectly obvious.

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  11. I can't believe you wear a bright orange cat suit. I do, too! Oh, how sweet it is to find another wearer of the bright orange cat suit.

    Love,
    Janie

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    1. It looks great with my beige cardigan.

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  12. Your skateboard? It is obviously a chimminea with a strap....
    Anna May x

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    1. I had to look this up and found that a chimminea is a stove. I guess that's slightly more likely than a skateboard ...

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  13. Tell me where does one buy a bright orange skin-tight plunge-neckline sequinned catsuit ? it might make doing the housework more fun and surprise the hell out of the postman !

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    1. Buy one? Buy one? My Italian lovers buy them FOR me.

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  14. I bet the vicar loves that catsuit.

    Wait a few days and your houdini like escape will be on youtube. Someone's bound to have filmed it.

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