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Saturday, 13 June 2015

Reasons why I should stay in

I walked past a man doing his gardening this week on my way home from work. 'Good evening,' he said. 'It's getting warm, isn't it?'

'Yes,' I said. 'Nufney wedder.'

I don't know why I couldn't pronounce 'Lovely weather' so that he would understand. It just didn't come out right. So, he looked at me askance as if thinking, 'If I'd known she was Dutch, I wouldn't have started a conversation.'

As I walked the rest of the way home, I remembered other 'encounters in the street' that have left me red-faced.

1. Once I walked past a lady who still had her umbrella up even though it had stopped raining five minutes before. 'You know it's stopped, don't you?' I said. I thought she hadn't noticed and that I was being helpful. She snarled at me as if to say, 'I can judge that for mySELF, thank you,' and carried on down the road, with her umbrella still firmly up, like Noah, despite everyone else's scorn.

2. Then there was the day I click-clacked in my work shoes past some men digging up the road. One looked up and gazed as I walked by them - I was indeed surprised as I'm no Sophia Loren - and as I made my way down the street, I heard the other one say, 'You didn't get any last night, did you, mate?' I'm guessing he didn't mean fish and chips. I still blush when I remember that. Cruel, or what? If I'd had my wits about me, I'd have yelled, 'No, but I did, and I think Johnny Depp was perfectly satisfied.' But I didn't. I was too busy clacking down the street as fast as I could, away from humiliation.

3. Some tourists stopped their car once - a distinctive silver car - while I was walking and asked the way to a local visitor attraction. I pointed them in the direction I thought right. As soon as they'd driven off, their faces shiny with grateful smiles, I realised I'd sent them the wrong way. I could do nothing about it, so I kept walking. Then, in the distance, I saw their silver car coming back. I squeezed behind someone's hedge, privet tickling my nose and ears, until they'd gone past. That was a couple of years back, but if you see a silver car with some puzzled East Asians in it, tell them I'm sorry, and that Hampton Court is still very nice if they fancy trying again.



Have a lovely weekend. Unfortunately, the wedder's not been very nufney today, but Sunday should be better.

22 comments:

  1. You're a funny lady, Fran, & I think you're nufney!!

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    1. It's very nufney of you to say so!!

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  2. I find it safer not to engage at all with other people when I am out and about in the real world. In fact I find it safer not to go out at all. In fact, I am not even typing this. I have paid someone to do this for me. Via Paypal. I haven't even met them. Utterly no contact with anyone is best.


    The voices in my head are company enough.

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    1. It's that long, long paragraph break that makes your comment as sinister as heck! A* for structural effects.

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  3. Nufney wedder??
    I love that!
    What a hoot.

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    1. I don't know what was wrong with my tongue that day. Something went very awry.

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  4. Why, oh why, can we never think of these perfect rejoinders until later? Life is so unfair. I hope that roadworker never got any, the bastard.

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    1. I love you for saying that!!

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  5. Haha! Brilliant. Why don't things like that happen to me? (They do) Thank you for giving me a giggle. On a Sunday night too...

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    1. You giggled? On a SUNday night? This is how you know you are beginning to cope with life as a teacher!

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  6. Oh, this is absolutely my life. Hiding behind the hedge? I would have attempted to dig a hole to hide in, had a hedge been unavailable. A few weeks ago I had a horribly embarrassing conversation - that is, it wasn't embarrassing until just after the conversation, when the other person walked away, and I realised just too late that he had thought the conversation was about a completely different subject, and that, had I known this, I would have given completely different answers. I am squirming now, thinking about it. Best never to open my mouth at all!

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    1. I can't count the number of times that's happened to me, too - walking away, thinking 'Hey, hang on. I think she thought I meant .......' and it being too late or too awkward to mend the situation. 'Squirming' is exactly the right word!

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  7. Very funny post :o) I dread being asked for directions, and once sent a car down a one-way street (the wrong way) and another time pretended I didn't live in my home-town as I couldn't think how to direct a family to a well-known tourist attraction..

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  8. I can usually manage to emit the right sounds. What I hate is those unexpected moments of interaction when I should exchange smiles and one side of my lip is still stuck to a front tooth. Kind of like a golden retriever dealing poorly with peanut butter.

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    1. Ha ha! Yes! The awkward smile, or when you tried to smile but you know it ended up as a leer.

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  9. Husband's aunt owns a BMW showroom in Scotland. She was driving a convertible to Glasgow with a friend ( two white haired ladies in their 70s ) They stopped at traffic lights when a workman looked over & shouted, " What a waste ! "
    The aunt looked back & yelled, " At least I've got one ! "

    I laugh every time I think of her saying this.

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    1. That was an admirably quick response and one I will steal if it ever happens to me again! Brilliant!

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  10. :) Great post, Fran!! I've experienced some of those embarrassing moments. LIfe would be dull if it wasn't for people making a complete fool of themselves. I can relate particularly well to the 'gibberish langauge' fiasco. And as for directions - never ask me!! World be warned :) I remember the time I had to get to Milton Keynes from Birmingham. Let's just say, Spaghetti Junction confused me and after some erratic driving across the lanes, I took a wrong exit and ended up in Tamworth. Oops!! I still have problems but always get where I want to go, even if it is via the scenic route :) Have a great week.

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    1. That made me smile. I've always used 'the scenic route' as a euphemism for 'I got lost for 3 days' too!

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  11. One of my aunt's , a nun in the days when nuns looked the part , was whistled at as she walked past a building site in Glasgow . All the other workers bellowed their apologies for their colleague .
    She didn't like to admit she'd been rather chuffed .

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    1. I must apologise for the apostrophe . I can't promise that it won't happen again but will try to read through any future comments at least once before pressing Publish .

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    2. Who care's about a stray apostrophe? I certainly dont. I love your nun story!

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