Reasons why Fran is avoiding the phone


My husband sent his flute in for repair a couple of weeks ago and has been waiting for the shop to call.

Just now, while I was watching TV, the phone rang in the hall and I went to pick it up. A man's voice said, 'It's the music shop. Can I speak to Mr Hill, please?'

I don't know why, but I said 'Speaking.'  I swear the menopause gives women a form of Tourette's.

'Oh,' he said, clearly surprised that Mr Hill had a woman's voice, especially as, in the shop two weeks ago, he'd had a deep bass voice, substantial facial hair, and was wearing a flat cap.

I wasn't sure how to backtrack.

'One second,' I said, and stepped into the kitchen where my husband was making bread.

'It's the music shop for you,' I said, thrusting the phone at him, keen to escape the embarrassing situation and get back to watching Homes under the Hammer.

'They'll have to hang on,' my husband said, making no attempt to keep his voice down. (I've run him through the 'Remember they can hear you' lesson for 36 years now and it's gone in one ear and out the other it hasn't even gone in one ear.) He said, clearly irritated that I was waving the phone in his face, 'I need to put some cling film over this bread dough first or it will dry out.'  He opened a drawer, pulled out the cling film box, and started unravelling some to lay over the top of the bowl holding the dough.

As you all know, cling film only comes out of a box willingly when you're not in a hurry. Although 'hurry' is pushing it as a description in this case.

And then he spent another hour few seconds making sure the cling really clung.

'Can't that wait?' I whispered, standing there with the phone while he faffed about, tightening the cling film on the bowl's rim and smoothing it down. The man on the end of the phone was probably thinking the same. After all, he'd only rung to say 'Your flute is ready', not to have a lengthy Socratic debate or recite the football results.

Also, he was very likely keen to get off the phone before I embarked on another round of 'Guess the gender'.

'The dough would have dried out,' my husband repeated, putting the cling film back in the drawer.

'In thirty seconds?' I hissed.

He wiped his hands on a tea towel, thoroughly, then at last took the phone from me.

'Hurrah!' I said, and scampered back to the TV.

A minute later, my husband appeared to tell me that the flute needed a further repair so there would be another week's delay. The shop would ring back when it was ready.

'Well, I don't care if your dough goes as dry as a stone,' I said, 'but you're answering the phone for the next fortnight.'



'He'll be with you any minute. He's just wallpapering the lounge and making sure all the edges are straight.'









'

Comments

  1. It will all pay off when your husband wins the Great British Baking Show.

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    Replies
    1. Or the 'Care with Cling Film' awards.

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  2. Hilarious, and awfully close to home with the what-just-came-out-of-my-mouth bit. Usually it manifests in me as a jumbled word or phrase that is a combination of two possible answers. My brain mashes them up and spews them out in garbled form that makes no sense whatever.

    However, the bright side in your situation, it seems to me, is that you will have uninterrupted TV time for at least two weeks!

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  3. He could have taken the phone and asked you to do the cling film bit. Of course then you'd have to clean the receiver after since he'd have flour all over it.

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    Replies
    1. We could have been in all sorts of trouble. And I wouldn't have done the cling film bit to his high standards!

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  4. If a man (or a woman) answers, hang up!!

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    Replies
    1. Why haven't I thought of this handy way of avoiding phone calls before? Where have you been all my life?

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  5. Haha! Love it. Glad I'm not the only one with an irritatingly slow and careful husband. What was the bread like?

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    Replies
    1. The bread is good! All the better for being caressed in cling film at the dough stage, I'm sure.

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  6. Found your tale very amusing, gave me a good laugh - especially the bit about menopausal women. I know of one woman who, working behind a counter in a cafe, had a mishap with her arm. The next customer up asked if she was OK, as she had her eyes closed with pain.

    'Just a problem with my foreskin,' she said, before wishing the ground would open up and swallow her!!!!

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  7. Oh my goodness Fran, I needed a laugh on this horrid wet afternoon, and for some reason it really got me going..(you know how sometimes that happens? )
    Thank you. x

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    Replies
    1. I am glad to have cheered up your wet afternoon :)

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  8. I love pretending that I am my own secretary when cold callers ask to speak to me. I say, " I'll just see if she is in " wait a few seconds and then tell them that she is not available to take calls at the moment.

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  9. It happens to me on occasion that I find myself lying about something for no reason. As in there's no reason for it, It doesn't benefit me in the least, and it's obvious what I'm saying is not true - and I don't know why I do it.

    It's rarely this funny, though.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks for reading, Harry, and enjoying :) I did once get into such a muddle with my mother-in-law when she rang and said, 'Hello, how are you?' I mistook her for someone else, so as a joke said, 'I'm so terribly upset. I don't want to live any more.' Then of course she was horrified and wanted to know why and for some reason I didn't say 'It was a joke' and therefore spent the next 15 minutes having to do a 'Well, it's not that bad. Perhaps I'm sickening for something' act. It was excruciating.

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