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Friday, 16 January 2009

How to recover from accidents with fish with your dignity intact

Look, I know everyone's trying to deal with the credit crunch and all that, but some people are just not getting it right in their efforts to start up new and thriving businesses.

My uncle is trying to start up a new business as a frozen fish manufacturer. The problem is, he didn't read the manual. The manual would have told him to:

purchase a factory
purchase freezers
order fish off a fisherman
wait for the delivery
freeze the fish in the freezers
sell the frozen fish

Having not read the manual, he followed his own DIY method:

go into a pet shop
buy a fish tank
buy £57 worth of tropical fish
bring them home
put them in the fish tank
keep the water at a temperature too cold for the fish
freeze the fish to death
find that there are, sadly, no buyers for stiff and inedible tropical fish

My uncle has three fish left. He didn't want to tell me how many he'd started with.

I think, you know, he's going to have to find some other way to raise money. However, there is hope. I have thought of some uses for his stiff and inedible tropical fish.

1. Use them as substitutes for those blue blocks you put in packed lunches to keep your yogurt cool.
2. Keep a couple in the freezer for when you stub your little toe on the doorframe.
3. Mount them in a frame and keep them on the wall - this kind of art is very popular in rural pubs. Should you have a spare deer's head, put it near this for authenticity.
4. Defrost them, then put them back in the water, to which you have added enough salt to recreate the conditions of the Dead Sea. The fish will float around, looking as fish usually do anyway, and no one will know the difference.
5. Put them in a fish pie with mussels, clams and other chewy bits of unidentifiable fish. A good dash of curry powder should help to take away that residual flavour of stiff and inedible tropical fish.
6. Sell them on eBay. Some people just can't resist a bargain and will think your sale original and trendy, especially if you price them at £75.95 each. It's a bit like the Tate Modern: convince people that they're seeing something amazing, and they'll believe you.
7. Use them as heel pads in high stilettos when you go clubbing.
8. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend you no longer want, put the fish under your sofa and leave them there a couple of weeks. Kiss and cuddle your bf/gf and when they say, 'Can you smell something weird?' deny all knowledge.
9. If this doesn't work, wear the stiff and inedible fish on a chain as a piece of neck jewellery. This should make the break-up a cert.
10. If this doesn't work, wrap up the stiff and inedible fish in pretty paper and present it for Valentine's Day. If this doesn't work either (ie your bf/gf says, 'Oh darling, you are so considerate - how did you know this was what I really wanted?) you are dating a very disturbed person and should perhaps think about making wiser choices.

It's a good thing, when there are people around with no business sense like my uncle, that I am around to give advice.

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