you thought those rejections were harsh?

No, forget everything I said yesterday about hurtful rejections. I got one today from a magazine publisher to whom I had politely and sensibly sent a query about an article. Here is the reply. You will need some time to read it, so go and make yourself a cup of tea, put your feet up, switch the radio on, relax.

Brace yourselves. Here it is, in its entirety.

"No thanks."

This came by email. There was no 'dear'. There was no 'sorry, but ...'. There was no 'Yours sincerely/faithfully/rejectingly'. There was no nuffink. There wasn't even a comma as there should have been, so obviously the editor wasn't going to spare any effort on me; that would have meant an extra KEYSTROKE.

No, I'm not bitter.

Hey! You know, the more I look at that, with its non-comma-ised construction, the more I'm thinking: what does it really mean? Maybe it isn't the rejection I think it is. Maybe it's ...

Yes, I'll take your article, but whatever you do, don't use the word 'thanks' in it. In this office, the word 'thanks' is like the word 'Macbeth' for which 'the Scottish play' has to be substituted, otherwise things go wrong. We used the word 'thanks' too much in one issue and we had three office staff go down with beri-beri.

or maybe it meant ...

Yes, I'll take your article, but don't expect anyone to be grateful or to extend any appreciation. We have a policy of non-appreciation here, since we found that people you give positive feedback to just keeping coming back and demanding to be published again. We had a particular problem with someone whose article we published on Railway Tracks Since 1893, perhaps unwisely. We made the mistake of thanking him and have since had to be quite frank about rejecting his articles on 'Paper Clip Manufacture in Iceland', 'Fruit Bowls and their Multifarious Uses in Emergencies', and 'Bus Seats and Dust Mite: A Modern Dilemma'. So as long as you're happy with your pay cheque and don't mind doing without any positive feedback, we'll publish you, just this once.

Perhaps I'll drop the editor a line and make sure it wasn't actually an acceptance and I just didn't realise.

Comments

  1. Lesley11/2/09 05:54

    That publisher is one of those 2-word people. I had a boss like that once. He probably goes to a restaurant and says "Coffee. Now." If he loved, loved, loved your story he would have said "Not awful." You don't want to work with him anyway.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Fran Hill12/2/09 14:50

    No, you're right. I didn't want to work with him. (Not much anyway ...) But I wouldn't mind a two-word publisher who said, 'thirty thousand'.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Reasons why Fran is desperately in search of earbuds

Image
My try-to-get-fitter walk in the fields today was a silent one. I usually listen to the radio through earphones but have lost one of the soft earbuds and nothing spoils a walk more than having hard plastic nudging up against your fragile tympanic membrane. The BBC's  'Woman's Hour' is a brilliant programme but loyalty has limits.  It was disconcerting, walking in silence. Listening to radio distracts from the disturbing reality that my legs are propelling me in forward motion because, if I think too hard about this, I frighten myself.  Today, while walking, I had to listen to my own thoughts.  And now I've listened to my own thoughts, I remember why I like radio better. The inside of my head is like a wastepaper basket.   Be grateful that I only offer you a brief excerpt.  Oh, look, that bird is - / Where did I put that mark scheme. I'll need it for - / My shoes are getting muddier./ Maybe mash with the fish tonight / really muddy / The trees are defin...
Read more

More evidence that the wrong consonant makes all the difference to a famous book title

Image
More typo-lit, one of my favourite genres: To Kilt a Mockingbird - a tale set in the Southern States of America in which a young family move into the area from Aberdeen.  The children are found dressing the local wildlife in tartan and have to be taught that clothing innocent victims in bright material is not acceptable.  The little girl (Scot) says, 'Shoot, Pa, that's the darndest thing I ever did hear!' and there is surprise all round at her adoption of the local dialect in such a short time. To Kiln a Mockingbird - a tale set in the Southern States of America in which a wise father teaches his children that to put an innocent bird into a red-hot oven, converting it into an attractive china piece for the kitchen, was bound to upset Aunt Alexandra when given as a birthday present, and if this was indeed their intention, they deserved a whipping.   They don't get the whipping; the father can't stand Aunt Alexandra either. To Bill a Mockingbird - a tale set ...
Read more

Reasons why Fran can get a 90,000 word novel down to a haiku if she's paid enough

Image
My first published story was in ‘Your Cat’ magazine.  (Don’t laugh … we all have to start somewhere.)  I sent the editor a 1500-word story.  She said she liked it (great!) and would publish it (fantastic!) but that I should cut it by a third and tighten up my style.  Ah.  Not so good. I loved every word of that story.  I gave birth to each one in pain and suffering, so there was NO WAY, absolutely NO WAY I was going to cut or change them.  I was determined.  I would stick to my guns.  She could forget it.  My mind was made up. Then she said she’d pay me £200 if I did the alterations.  I wavered for a whole nano-second.  U-turn Queen, that’s me, when it comes to hard cash. The editing of that heart-warming story about a couple who rediscover their love when their cat has a crisis (it was a real sick-bucket saga) taught me loads.  I hated making the changes.  I felt like a murderer, slashing and s...
Read more