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Saturday, 7 March 2009

Why I could be accused of needing to get out more

You're having a boring afternoon. You've nothing to do. Nothing's on the telly.

So, OBVIOUSLY, you're going to try typing Shakespeare in predictive text on your mobile and see which words it recognises and which it doesn't. It's great fun. And I have all kinds of new ideas for plays I could write and submit to the Royal Shakespeare Company.

"Out, fanned spot." - a woman with macho tendencies is disturbed by a skin lesion that has in all directions and is now the shape of a Chinese lady's cooling device with pictures of temples all over it.

"The lady Doug protest too much methinks." - a woman without macho tendencies, but whose parents gave her a boy's name because they liked it, complains bitterly, but unconvincingly.

"Et TV, Brute?" - a woman with a version of Tourette's syndrome which means she replaces all her English verbs with French ones complains to her ignorant and bullish husband about his boring plans for their evening

"Out! cried candle." - a pioneering inventor invents a nightlight which calls out when it realises a house owner has fallen asleep while it was still burning.

"I am a man more sinned against than pinning." - a man considers the things that have been done to him by his enemies, including the time they fixed him to a wall with the use of tacks, and decides that everything else they did was much, much worse.

"Full fathom five thy father kids." - Someone receives a revelation that, just when they thought their father was a dustman, he has been, for many years, a deep-sea-diver and stand-up comic.

Try it with Chaucer. Now that could be interesting.

9 comments:

  1. Great blog! Very cute. Check out mine if you like: http://missmarshmoney.blogspot.com/. Have a great day!

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  2. Hi MM. Thanks for dropping in. Keep reading. I like the 'writing' angle of your blog and will keep following, especially as you are making the rapid acquisition of wealth sound easy ....

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  3. To make it really interesting you should, my dear, try it with James Joyce, whose wife said, "Why can't you
    write books that people can read?"
    "Leave not a hack behind. We are such stuff as themes are made on, and our little fifes are rounded with a drum!"
    Forgive me. Count Sneaky

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  4. Now, Count S, did you actually look those up on predictive text, or did you make it up? How can 'themes' become 'dreams'? I suspect tomfoolery. But very funny anyway. My little fife is indeed rounded as a drum, which reminds me, I must go on a diet.

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  5. I would leave a comment here, but I'm afraid of getting lashed by an errant wit. Oops, too late.

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  6. Tomfoolery indeed! The Count is, as usual, as serious as Prospero...just not as eloquent.Count Sneaky

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  7. The Count thought he left you another message. It must have gotten lost in the
    electrical miasma of my brain.
    Tomfoolery indeed! The Count is as serious as Prospero was in his speech...just not as eloquent.
    By the way Sophocles also said, "To know nothing is the happy life."
    Count Sneaky

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  8. Mark - Lashing is not my style. A mild prod with an unfurled paper clip is all you can expect from me, don't worry.

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  9. Count S (ha ha - you have been feminised!) - thank you for your comments. Your first one wasn't lost; it was just hanging around in the ether until Judgment Day (well, moderation). And Sophocles was probably right, which is why I am content to demonstrate my ignorance on a regular basis without shame.

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