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Tuesday, 7 April 2009

Things I have no ambition to do

Over at http://brilliantsulk.blogspot.com/, A has made a list of things she doesn't want to achieve in her lifetime. This is definitely a bandwagon on which I would like to leap, metaphorically speaking, that is, as leaping onto a real, moving bandwagon is Number 1 on my list of things I never want to achieve.


1. Leap onto a moving bandwagon.
2. Hear a student say, 'You're so boring, I could eat myself.'
3. Visit a public toilet and drag toilet tissue around town on the bottom of my shoe.
4. Be caught snoring in a public library by a George Clooney lookalike library assistant. (Should there be such people, that is.)
5. Drop the jar when I'm eating olives in oil on the bus.
6. Buy tampons, gin, or very large bars of chocolate at the supermarket then find one of my students at the checkout.
7. Buy incontinence pads (for my ELDERLY RELATIVE) at the supermarket and then find one of my students at the checkout.
8. Spell 'there' as 'their' or 'you're' as 'your' on the whiteboard when presenting to a group of parents.
9. Have an accident and get taken to hospital on the ONE day I wear my oldest underwear and haven't shaved under my arms.
10. Fall off a bandwagon, especially if it's the ONE day I have worn my oldest underwear and haven't shaved under my arms.


The problem is, it's too late for some of the things I'd like to write in the above list. So, here are a few things I have the ambition never to do AGAIN.

1. Teach a whole English lesson with a gargantuan lump of blackberry crumble stuck to my shirt.
2. Visit the dentist the night after I've had fourteen slices of garlic bread and have to endure his obvious, if unspoken, displeasure.
3. Give a friend a recipe for Mars Bar sauce so that she can serve her husband's boss an interesting accompaniment to icecream, and forget to mention that you have to add butter to the melted Mars Bar if it's not to go completely solid over the icecream and end up as a chocolate igloo that needs a knife and fork.
4. Drop the toilet roll while in the cubicle, watch it roll slowly under the door and out into the washroom, then listen to the giggles of the people on the other side. Attempt to pull it back, but only increase the momentum of the rolling action.
5. Undertake my first official parents evening as a new teacher with a skin complaint that makes me look like the Moon's understudy. Then, as I shake hands with a parent, inexplicably keel over like a drunk and have to be hauled up again by said parent.

Re-reading my lists, it seems to me that the things I HAVE done are far, far worse than the things I'm afraid of doing.

This does not bode well.

4 comments:

  1. Those are so funny! I have done a few of the similar things too. My last one? I was at the grand opening of a new hospital where I knew EVERYONE (because I had just retired from the same hospital crew)..and while bending over to help an elderly woman who dropped stuff off her plate, I fell over and couldn't get up. In a skirt. The elderly lady was trying to help ME get up and then one of the doctors that I know well came over and got me up. All while the whole line of people were there watching me while in line to get their food.
    Shit!

    The Retirement Chronicles

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  2. Retired One - yes, this sounds like a moment not to repeat!

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  3. Bravo! Wonderful list. I knew the olives would make it into the top 10. I can relate with the blackberry crumble, although I had a lump of chocolate stuck to my sweater.

    I also remember being in the checkout line at the store wondering why everyone was staring. Get into my car only to find out my sweater had popped a few buttons revealing my lovely purple bra. Never want to do that again.

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  4. A - I wouldn't worry about the bra thing - seems to me you were well up with the fashion at that point.

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