Why I should just stay indoors

Why is it that the following things never happen to me in private? Following the law of averages, they should, at least sometimes, happen where there is no one to see/hear/laugh/phone their friends to share the news. Following the law of Sod, they always happen in public.

I never, in private ...

1. Come in at the wrong point when singing along to something at the top of my voice.
2. Stub my toe.
3. Bang the funny bone in my arm.
4. Sneeze wet sneezes without a tissue handy.
5. Misjudge where a chair is.
6. Take too much spaghetti on my fork.
7. Start reading my book then realise it's upside down.
8. Get lockjaw when I do a really big yawn.
9. Get a tickle in my throat that gives rise to uncontrollable coughing.
10. Find a fly in my eye.
11. Burn my mouth on a hot pie.
12. Get chased by a wasp.

Know what I mean?

Comments

  1. Christian Davis14/4/09 14:39

    and how!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Fran Hill14/4/09 15:38

    Comodisc - hi! Thanks for your comment. Glad it's not just me, then.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Anonymous14/4/09 16:48

    It's the "Silent Tree" theory...

    If you stub your toe, but nobody is around to see/hear it, did you REALLY stub your toe?

    ;o)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Lesley14/4/09 17:08

    13. Make embarrassing faces and/or noises when sneezing.
    14. Injure myself slightly by walking into a piece of furniture, and utter a mild curse word only to remember when it's totally too late that the pastor of our church is sitting in that particular piece of furniture. oops.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Brilliant Sulk14/4/09 22:39

    Let's see. #1, #2, #3 and #12 happened to me last week alone (well the wasp was a giant bee, but it was still after me) It was a bad week...

    ReplyDelete
  6. Ranting Teacher15/4/09 06:32

    Ha - number 8 - I thought it was just me!

    And as a part (b) - also yawn loudly whilst forgetting where exactly I am. Past examples: an Inset day as one speaker finished and another was about to start; in front of a class when one girl was reading aloud from her book in such a monotonous voice that I kept having to pinch myself to stop nodding off...

    ReplyDelete
  7. The Retired One15/4/09 07:22

    Oh, that stuff usually happens to me IN PUBLIC!!!
    ha

    The Retirement Chronicles

    ReplyDelete
  8. Fran Hill15/4/09 07:25

    Pwn Star - thanks for your comment. I don't know much about the Silent Tree theory. Sounds interesting. All I can say is, I would never wish to IMAGINE that I had stubbed my toe if I actually hadn't; it's not the same as wishing you were married to Johnny Depp, for instance.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Fran Hill15/4/09 07:28

    Lesley - At least you'd have two things then he could pray for you about - the injury and the cursing. Make him feel useful.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Fran Hill15/4/09 07:28

    A - Let me know when you've worked your way through the whole list ...!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Fran Hill15/4/09 07:31

    Hi, RT - thanks for your comment. Once a boy in my class yawned like the Grand Canyon, stretched his arms out and said loudly: 'God, this is so BORING!' He was a nice boy - he apologised profusely and genuinely and had obviously not meant to say it aloud at all. Made me feel quite insecure for a while, that one ... The class loved it, though.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Mark Kerstetter15/4/09 17:14

    Heck I do all those things and more in private on a regular basis. Except I only yawn and say, "this is so BORING!" when I'm at work.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Fran Hill16/4/09 05:32

    Mark, you are SO lucky. I seem to have to gather an audience of at least 12 before any of these things happen to me. What am I doing wrong?

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Reasons why Fran is desperately in search of earbuds

Image
My try-to-get-fitter walk in the fields today was a silent one. I usually listen to the radio through earphones but have lost one of the soft earbuds and nothing spoils a walk more than having hard plastic nudging up against your fragile tympanic membrane. The BBC's  'Woman's Hour' is a brilliant programme but loyalty has limits.  It was disconcerting, walking in silence. Listening to radio distracts from the disturbing reality that my legs are propelling me in forward motion because, if I think too hard about this, I frighten myself.  Today, while walking, I had to listen to my own thoughts.  And now I've listened to my own thoughts, I remember why I like radio better. The inside of my head is like a wastepaper basket.   Be grateful that I only offer you a brief excerpt.  Oh, look, that bird is - / Where did I put that mark scheme. I'll need it for - / My shoes are getting muddier./ Maybe mash with the fish tonight / really muddy / The trees are defin...
Read more

More evidence that the wrong consonant makes all the difference to a famous book title

Image
More typo-lit, one of my favourite genres: To Kilt a Mockingbird - a tale set in the Southern States of America in which a young family move into the area from Aberdeen.  The children are found dressing the local wildlife in tartan and have to be taught that clothing innocent victims in bright material is not acceptable.  The little girl (Scot) says, 'Shoot, Pa, that's the darndest thing I ever did hear!' and there is surprise all round at her adoption of the local dialect in such a short time. To Kiln a Mockingbird - a tale set in the Southern States of America in which a wise father teaches his children that to put an innocent bird into a red-hot oven, converting it into an attractive china piece for the kitchen, was bound to upset Aunt Alexandra when given as a birthday present, and if this was indeed their intention, they deserved a whipping.   They don't get the whipping; the father can't stand Aunt Alexandra either. To Bill a Mockingbird - a tale set ...
Read more

Reasons why Fran can get a 90,000 word novel down to a haiku if she's paid enough

Image
My first published story was in ‘Your Cat’ magazine.  (Don’t laugh … we all have to start somewhere.)  I sent the editor a 1500-word story.  She said she liked it (great!) and would publish it (fantastic!) but that I should cut it by a third and tighten up my style.  Ah.  Not so good. I loved every word of that story.  I gave birth to each one in pain and suffering, so there was NO WAY, absolutely NO WAY I was going to cut or change them.  I was determined.  I would stick to my guns.  She could forget it.  My mind was made up. Then she said she’d pay me £200 if I did the alterations.  I wavered for a whole nano-second.  U-turn Queen, that’s me, when it comes to hard cash. The editing of that heart-warming story about a couple who rediscover their love when their cat has a crisis (it was a real sick-bucket saga) taught me loads.  I hated making the changes.  I felt like a murderer, slashing and s...
Read more