Things I have learned on buses
2. If you have taken a sopping wet umbrella onto the bus because it is raining and decide to keep it on the seat beside you because the bus is fairly empty and no one will need to sit there, it is exactly at this point that a queue of twenty-five will appear at the next bus stop and someone will need to sit in the puddle next to you and exactly at the same point that you will realise you left the packet of tissues on the kitchen table.
3. There are some combinations which are lethal: one of them is wearing a silky skirt on a bus with shinily upholstered leather seats which is being driven by a maniac who brakes very suddenly.
4. If you are round of derriere, sitting next to a thin person is a good idea, as sitting next to another round-of-derriere lady means that two inches of you is protruding into the aisle; on long journeys, this will result in an indentation which will not disappear until much later in the day.
5. A packet of M & Ms goes a long way when spilled onto the floor at the back of a bus which is travelling down a hill.
6. It takes a lot of grace and forbearance to say 'thank you, driver' to someone who brakes so suddenly while you're standing in the aisle and waiting to get off that you have to grab onto an old lady's arm to steady yourself and she has to grab onto someone else to manage the situation.
7. Spring-loaded windows in local buses can sound like gunshots, which is worth remembering so that just because someone behind you has closed the window doesn't mean you should spin round and look at them wide-eyed and open-mouthed and palely, because when they close the window again and sit down heavily and tut to their neighbour about how no one likes fresh air these days, you will be so embarrassed you will have to get off the bus early and it is bound to be snowing.
8. Eating olives on buses is easier when they are in brine and not in oil; however, even in brine, you will find retrieving olives from narrow jars difficult if you put too many fingers in the jar at once and have trouble getting them, and an olive, back out again. Think Aesop.