Stupid things parents and machines say

I've been thinking today. (Hey, watch out.)

I've been thinking about how parents say lots of things which make their kids think, 'Dur. How stupid is that?'.

Also, I've been thinking about how machines say lots of things which make me think, 'Dur. How stupid is that?'

As you can tell, today I've been thinking about things which are stupid.

(Just a normal day, then, I heard someone say. How can you be so mean?)

Stupid things parents say.

(By the way, I've said all of these, and at the time, it all seemed very logical. Looking back, though ...)

1. You've lost your Geography book? Oh dear. Where did you put it?

2. Do you want Mummy to smack you?

3. Well, okay, climb the mile-high slide, but if you break your leg, don't come running to me.

4. It's cabbage. I know you didn't like it last week, or the week before, or the week before that, or the week before that, but maybe today you will.

5. Of course there's no crocodile in your wardrobe. There won't be a crocodile in your wardrobe. Crocodiles don't come into children's bedrooms. Crocodiles don't even come to England. Okay, then, let Mummy look, just to check.


7. I'm going to count to 3, and if you haven't picked up that toy by then, I'm definitely going to send you upstairs. Ready? Are you ready? I'm going to start counting right now. Right now, I'm going to start. Are you ready? Sure? Ready for the 1-2-3? Okay, here we go. Get ready now. 1 - 2 - 3 - er - 3 - er - 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - er - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10 - er - Are you listening to me? Are you listening to me counting? ........ Tommy, where are you?

Stupid things machines say.

Now for machines. In particular, cashpoint/hole in the wall machines. (You know, the kind that I have had problems with in the past. Remember?

Cashpoint machines say really stupid things. Here are some things one said to me today and, in italics, what I said back to it. (And don't even think about commenting on that.)

1. Please wait for your cash. (You mean, I can't just go and have a cup of tea and a bun and come back later? I have to wait? That's a whole five seconds out of my life, and you expect me to hang around, just to pick up the cash I desperately need? Some people.)

2. Please take your cash. (You know, actually. I don't think I want the money after all. If I just slot it back in through the hole it came out of, you take it, eh? Your need is greater, and all that. I'm sorry. I have these little aberrations where suddenly I think I want money while I'm out shopping, and then I realise, no, not really.)
3. Please take your card out of the machine. (Well, no, I don't think I will. It's kind of you to spit it back out for me like that, but it looks kinda pretty sitting there, and someone else might want to use it, so if you're OK with that?)
4. Please wait for your receipt. (Look, you're being rather demanding now, all this 'do this, do that'. I know I asked you specifically for a receipt when you asked me if I wanted one, which I guess might be some kind of indication that I was thinking of waiting around for it, but now I'm sort of going off the whole idea of knowing what I've taken out and how much I have left and all that trivial stuff. Perhaps another day, huh?)
5. Thank you. (Look here, dumbo. You may not have noticed, but you gave me the money and not the other way round. I feel kind of patronised here. Hey, maybe you're being funny. I mean, is this the 'so kind of you to take out a hundred pounds, considering you only have seventy in the fund' conversation? 'Cos if so, would you mind being frank about it and not just doing that whole irony thing?)
6. Beep beep beep beep beep beep beep. (Yes, I noticed that my card/money/receipt is sticking out three metres from the machine, waiting for me to take it out, thank you. What are you anyway, some kind of wannabe ambulance siren? You failed Communication Studies?- yeah, I figured that. It's the subtlety module you had trouble with, eh?)
Bedtime. I've done enough thinking about stupidness for one day. If I don't stop now, it will begin to get to me, and I'll start saying stupid things, too.
(Ha ha ha, Amanda. I heard what you said. Thought you were my friend.)


  1. Aah, I remember all those silly things you used to say. Although they paid off. I quite like cabbage.

  2. Soooooo true! I loved this post. It made me smile.

  3. Oh Fran I am the queen of saying stupid stuff (none of which I will admit to and divulge here on the Internet)

    Although for some reason I can totally relate to #2 and #3 on the list of stupid things that parents say...

    I should be ashamed.

  4. Hillel - Yay! A success! Now let's work on that mushroom thing ...

  5. Retired One - thanks! Making people smile is the aim. As long as they're laughing with me, of course, and not at me ...

  6. Amanda - oh, go on. Divulge, divulge. I won't tell a soul.

  7. Ha ha! This post made me laugh Fran. What can I say we live in a stupid world! Some of the things we say must seem even funnier when viewed through the eyes of a child!


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