Why I need to get real
These are reasons I would like to be able to give as excuses for why I haven't blogged for over a week:
1. Just as I was about to put fingers to keyboard, a dark and mysterious stranger pulled up to my house on a white horse, ran up the stairs, a black cloak sweeping behind him, and grabbed me to his chest, saying, 'This is the moment I have been waiting for, my darling. Come with me to strange and exotic lands where I will feed you with sweetmeats and wine made from grapes crushed by the powerful hands of desert swordsmen. We will sleep in a bed made from the skins of wildebeest and lay our heads on cushions covered with silk threads sewn by ancient grandmothers. We will bathe together in soft waters, warmed by fires built on hot coals and be fed Eastern delights by dancing naiads. I will clutch you to my muscled body and not let you go'.
But it wasn't that.
2. Just as I was about to put fingers to keyboard, the phone rang and a voice said, 'This is the Chief Editorial Director of Penguin Books for the Most Discerning Reader here and I rang to say, where have you been all my life? I don't care whether it's your memoirs, your novel, a couple of unfinished short stories, a shopping list written on the back of a grubby piece of A4, or that serviette on which you scribbed, 'Ring chemist about haemorrhoid cream', I'll take it, I'll take it, and within days you will be in the running for the Booker and signing copies of your latest blockbuster in Harrods. Come immediately and I will wine and dine you in a five star hotel before giving you your contract worth three million pounds and sending you to Barbados to start your next book.'
But it wasn't that either.
3. Just as I was about to put fingers to keyboard, I received an email from a London modelling agency. Here's what it said: 'Dear Fran. I'm contacting you because fat is the new thin. Thin is just so last year, sweetie. Who needs size 0 models when we can get models already shaped like a zero? Who needs models who are seven foot three when we could get models who are five foot two and save us money on leather for the new exciting thigh boots? Who needs models whose protruding scapulas make them look like they've swallowed a coathanger when we can get nice plump models whose scapulas disappeared from public view sixteen years ago and whose bra straps are so thick and reinforced that you can't see the scapula anyway? Fran, it's your moment. Come and model for us tomorrow - we have a possible contract with a camping gear manufacturer who is interested in our new modelling concept and it's women like you that we need. We pay £1000 an hour.'
But it wasn't that either.
No, it was none of those. I've just been too damn busy ....
Fantasising.
1. Just as I was about to put fingers to keyboard, a dark and mysterious stranger pulled up to my house on a white horse, ran up the stairs, a black cloak sweeping behind him, and grabbed me to his chest, saying, 'This is the moment I have been waiting for, my darling. Come with me to strange and exotic lands where I will feed you with sweetmeats and wine made from grapes crushed by the powerful hands of desert swordsmen. We will sleep in a bed made from the skins of wildebeest and lay our heads on cushions covered with silk threads sewn by ancient grandmothers. We will bathe together in soft waters, warmed by fires built on hot coals and be fed Eastern delights by dancing naiads. I will clutch you to my muscled body and not let you go'.
But it wasn't that.
2. Just as I was about to put fingers to keyboard, the phone rang and a voice said, 'This is the Chief Editorial Director of Penguin Books for the Most Discerning Reader here and I rang to say, where have you been all my life? I don't care whether it's your memoirs, your novel, a couple of unfinished short stories, a shopping list written on the back of a grubby piece of A4, or that serviette on which you scribbed, 'Ring chemist about haemorrhoid cream', I'll take it, I'll take it, and within days you will be in the running for the Booker and signing copies of your latest blockbuster in Harrods. Come immediately and I will wine and dine you in a five star hotel before giving you your contract worth three million pounds and sending you to Barbados to start your next book.'
But it wasn't that either.
3. Just as I was about to put fingers to keyboard, I received an email from a London modelling agency. Here's what it said: 'Dear Fran. I'm contacting you because fat is the new thin. Thin is just so last year, sweetie. Who needs size 0 models when we can get models already shaped like a zero? Who needs models who are seven foot three when we could get models who are five foot two and save us money on leather for the new exciting thigh boots? Who needs models whose protruding scapulas make them look like they've swallowed a coathanger when we can get nice plump models whose scapulas disappeared from public view sixteen years ago and whose bra straps are so thick and reinforced that you can't see the scapula anyway? Fran, it's your moment. Come and model for us tomorrow - we have a possible contract with a camping gear manufacturer who is interested in our new modelling concept and it's women like you that we need. We pay £1000 an hour.'
But it wasn't that either.
No, it was none of those. I've just been too damn busy ....
Fantasising.
Oh gosh, I thought you were going to say you haven't blogged for a week because you were writing a book about a stranger on a white horse who happens to be a plump model and also loves camping.
ReplyDeleteIt's a good thing, because that would be a book I wouldn't read....
Well that's a relief! I imagined you might have hopped on the wrong bus, olives and all. I'm glad you're back! Your fans missed you.
ReplyDeleteI'm really torn between #1 and #2 so I'll just take both, please.
ReplyDeleteAlways worth the wait.
ReplyDeleteIf only...
ReplyDeleteFabulous Fran, and worth waiting a week for!
ReplyDeleteLike you, all I do all day is fantasise... and watch the birds. Any wonders I get so little writing done. But fear not - I've been busy blogging my favourite film characters and to keep you out of trouble and motivate you, I officially tag you. So when you have five minutes I'd love to hear your fave film characters...
this should be interesting, me thinks!)
xx
AmanDERRRR - STOP stealing my book ideas! Now what am I supposed to do?
ReplyDeleteOh, wow, Lesley - just at the moment, hopping on the wrong bus with a jar of olives and going far, far away sounds like a good thing to do. I will hover purposefully at the wrong bus station tomorrow ... see if I dare do it!
ReplyDeleteHi, Laura - but if you take 1 and 2 together, I don't know where you're going to get time to write the book what with all those baths and being fed sweetmeats. I think I might rather go off fiction writing for a while given the chance.
ReplyDeleteMark, you're such a sweetie.
ReplyDeleteFriko - those two little words, and all that emotion behind them .....
ReplyDeleteBluestocking Mum - You don't know how funny that is. I'm getting so much stick at work because there are so many films I've never seen and everyone else has. They keep quoting bits of them at me and saying, 'Well? Well? Ever heard that before?' I will do my best, but whether I can think of five will be interesting to see ....
ReplyDeleteOh I LOVE the first reason
ReplyDeleteFunny as usual, love your posts, good to have you back! :)
Val
Thanks, Valerie. I appreciate your appreciation.
ReplyDeleteAaah, I so wish for a secret life like Walter Mitty's too. If only I had a bigger imagination, I could make it through the day without the aid of rootbeer schnapps.
ReplyDelete(In the event any future employers google me: KIDDING!)
CJ, what kind of days would those be, without rootbeer schnapps? Much less interesting, surely.
ReplyDelete