Why I am watching my kitchen appliances more carefully these days
The other morning, I found it slap-bang in the middle of the floor. I put a big notice on it for my husband to find when he came downstairs later, after I'd left for work:
DISCONTENTED WASHING MACHINE MAKES FRANTIC BID FOR FREEDOM IN WARWICKSHIRE DOMESTIC SHOCK HORROR
Then, the day after this, my husband decided to defrost the freezer. The freezer is under the worktop on the other side of the kitchen from the washing machine. He pulled it out to defrost it, and now it won't go back under the worktop as far as it did before - it's sticking out at least another couple of centimetres. We just can't work out why it won't go back where it was. What with that and escapee-washing-machine, the floor space is seriously compromised and I'm having to wash up with my feet at 45 degree angles. It doesn't matter for the Husband. His feet are like that anyway. I think it's because he's the kind of guy that can never quite decide which route to take when on a journey - he's not very good at just going from A to B and always thinks of several different options. So his feet have evolved to point him in at least two directions; straight ahead is no longer a choice for him, which is why he's late getting to places now. You can read all about this phenomenon in Darwin's Theory of Natural Direction.
Anyway, I have a theory of my own. Washing machine and freezer have fallen in love. This is why they're both refusing to go back against the wall. Each night, they edge towards each other shyly. One night, they will share in a long, plastic laminate kiss, and more. Then, one morning, I will come down, and find a brood of mini white plastic kitchen appliances in the middle of the floor, new-born and crying to be fed with a pureed mixture of soiled linen and boxes of fish fingers.
I am watching the fridge carefully.