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Sunday, 4 October 2009

Why I am watching my kitchen appliances more carefully these days

Our new washing machine doesn't like us. It wants to break free and go back to its old home in the washing machine shop. It's staging a mutiny in that every time we use it, it rattles and shakes and shifts around so much that it makes its way out of its little space under the worktop and plants itself in the middle of the kitchen so that I can't get past it.

The other morning, I found it slap-bang in the middle of the floor. I put a big notice on it for my husband to find when he came downstairs later, after I'd left for work:

DISCONTENTED WASHING MACHINE MAKES FRANTIC BID FOR FREEDOM IN WARWICKSHIRE DOMESTIC SHOCK HORROR

Then, the day after this, my husband decided to defrost the freezer. The freezer is under the worktop on the other side of the kitchen from the washing machine. He pulled it out to defrost it, and now it won't go back under the worktop as far as it did before - it's sticking out at least another couple of centimetres. We just can't work out why it won't go back where it was. What with that and escapee-washing-machine, the floor space is seriously compromised and I'm having to wash up with my feet at 45 degree angles. It doesn't matter for the Husband. His feet are like that anyway. I think it's because he's the kind of guy that can never quite decide which route to take when on a journey - he's not very good at just going from A to B and always thinks of several different options. So his feet have evolved to point him in at least two directions; straight ahead is no longer a choice for him, which is why he's late getting to places now. You can read all about this phenomenon in Darwin's Theory of Natural Direction.

Anyway, I have a theory of my own. Washing machine and freezer have fallen in love. This is why they're both refusing to go back against the wall. Each night, they edge towards each other shyly. One night, they will share in a long, plastic laminate kiss, and more. Then, one morning, I will come down, and find a brood of mini white plastic kitchen appliances in the middle of the floor, new-born and crying to be fed with a pureed mixture of soiled linen and boxes of fish fingers.

I am watching the fridge carefully.

8 comments:

  1. Could you tell them to get on with IT?

    I would be quite happy if you sent me one of their premature inbred offspring. A blender would do nicely.

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  2. Anonymous5/10/09 05:10

    Have you left the shipping bolts in the washing machine?

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  3. I assume you took the large plastic transit screws out of the back first?
    You know, the ones they put in so that the insides don't move around inside whilst it's in the back of a truck, but they make the whole thing jiggle across your mkitchen like a revived Elvis on crack if you leave them in when you turn it on?

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  4. Amanda, I will do my best, but I feel very silly standing in the kitchen telling two domestic appliances to get it on. There's always that nasty feeling that the neighbours are listening in and wondering (yet again) what madness has taken hold (yet again).

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  5. Writers Block - love your description of my washing machine as a revived Elvis on crack. Husband says, yes, we took the screws out. So maybe your Elvis theory has credence.

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  6. Anonymous (why anonymous?) - thanks for the tip - as you can see, other people thought the same! But I'm assured that the bolts have been removed.

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  7. I follow your blog for a long time and must tell you that your posts always prove to be of a high value and quality for readers. Keep it up.

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  8. Electrical Goods Manufacturer - I suspect your comment is plain spam, but it made me laugh anyway, coming as it does on my post about travelling kitchen equipment. I can see how you got here, that's for sure.

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