Thursday, 5 November 2009
What the emoticons really really mean
I thought it was a good idea to marry a dressmaker. What I didn't know is that she'd have innovative ways of shutting me up when I asked about her shopping trips.
So I was at the vegetable counter and the assistant said, 'Look, you owe eight pounds, okay, and if you don't pay up, I'll shove this jalapeno pepper right in your gob.' And I said, 'Look here, young man, do you know who you're spPHLUMPH ...'
There I was, at the dentist, and he says to me, 'You want teeth like Simon Cowell?' and I says to him, 'Yeah, go on then!' and so he did all this work for me. I just didn't realise the grin would be permanent, though. I'm having real difficulty being taken seriously at my business meetings. And my jaw ACHES, man!
Yep, I know. Never trust a plastic surgeon when he says he'll do all the operations at once. And where are my ears? I said I wanted 'flat' but this is too much. Eh? What was that you said?
Oh my. One minute I'm walking out in the forest. The next, I have two caterpillars, fallen off a twig and now balancing on my forehead. Now what?
Right, that's it! If the loser who didn't put the cap on the ketchup properly doesn't own up ...
Hey, sweetheart. You know that new computer I got? The one with the megabyting doublewhammy extraneficular RAM automagnifier? You wanna come and see it? Hey, babe! Where're you going?