Welcome! You have found the home of 'Being Me', Fran Hill's blog. Please browse my posts and if you like what you read, you'll enjoy my book 'Being Miss' which you can order from my website or on Amazon. My next book 'Miss, What Does Incomprehensible Mean?' will be published by SPCK Publishing in 2020. My website is at www.franhill.co.uk. Come and visit for more Fran info!
Reasons why stretched earlobes can still be useful when you're old
Granted, plain earlobes are just boring. I mean, there's a nice little piece of flesh, just aching for a diamond or a dangly silver thing, and if you just leave it as it is, in the end it's just a little piece of flesh: redundant or what? And I don't know about you, but I have enough little pieces of flesh hanging around my body doing nothing useful; I don't need more. So I may as well decorate the bits that are decent enough to be on show.
I'm not sure I'd go as far as some, though. For me, the delicate silver stud or the faux diamond are as far as I'm prepared to take earlobe enhancement.
But there's now a fashion, and not just in remote tribal areas, for making the holes in your earlobes massive by putting, firstly, small discs in the holes in them, then bigger discs, then bigger ones, etc etc, until they'll take jewellery the size of dinner plates.
But what happens when you get old? You wake up one day. You're 73. And suddenly, the gaping holes in your earlobes, which now dangle down to your elbows, don't seem so cool any more, along with the love/hate tattoos on your knuckles and the stud in your left nipple.
Well, here I am to help. I have some ideas for you, so that even if you don't want to put jewellery in those holes which gets you laughed at down at the dinner club, they won't go to waste.
Ways to use your redundant stretched earlobes:
1. You know how hard it is normally to carry French sticks home? They don't fit in any average-sized bag. They knock against other people on the bus. Carrying them under your arm makes the bread smelly, especially when you popped in to buy them half way through your marathon run. It's such a pain. So just slide them into those earlobes and you've got your hands free for the rest of the shopping or for that vital bottle of water that will get you to the finish line.
2. Broken your arm? Broken both arms? Save on expensive slings. No need for those nasty plaster casts which your friends always want to write rude jokes on. Just support those injuries by crossing your arm over and sliding a hand inside the earlobe.
3. Short on ideas for party games? How about 'leap through the lobe', a popular pastime in which contestants take a run at your ear then jump up and dive through? Those who get through cleanly without touching any of your flesh get prizes. Anyone who gets stuck doesn't get birthday cake.
4. Irritated by the fact that you have no pockets and nowhere to keep your Ipod while you're listening to your fave tracks? It's so tedious, having to carry the machine as you walk along. Now you can keep both earphones and Ipod above neck level by lodging your music device inside a stretched earlobe. There are rumours that the techie guys are even now working on a round version of the Ipod Nano (from Eyepod to Earpod) for a perfect fit.
5. Know any short people who like to keep fit? It's a well known fact that height-challenged individuals often compensate by building up their muscles. But many can't afford their own set of parallel rings. You could be the answer to their problem.
You know, suddenly, just putting jewellery inside stretched earlobes sounds oh so yesterday. Be the first to wear a French stick instead and hit the headlines.
A crossword book travels with me everywhere now. It's a hobby that's developed into an addiction over the past couple of years. If I'm stuck at a bus stop, waiting - a daily occurrence, and sometimes twice or thrice-daily - I'll whip my crossword book out, turn to a new puzzle, and while the time away filling in the clues.
I've nearly missed my bus many times. Buses sneak up on people with their heads buried in books, then hurtle past to punish you for not staying alert. There are some bus drivers around here who probably keep a joyful tally of the number of people they've outwitted this way.
Never mind missing buses, though. My bigger problem, currently, is that the book I'm carrying around is filled with general knowledge crosswords. My husband bought me this for Christmas, forgetting that I do not possess General Knowledge.
I possess only Generally Forgotten Knowledge and it's so far down, at the very ends of my brain neurons, or wherever knowledge r…
Is it just me? Is anyone else affected by the colours of food?
I've just made an omelette for my lunch. On my days off (Mondays and Wednesdays) lunch is usually an omelette. I'm trying to avoid bread. We have fallen out, bread and I. I can eat most anything else and not put on weight. I have one thin slice of bread: suddenly I'm the size of a Juggernaut and can't get through normal doors.
Two or three slices of bread, and people pass me saying, 'Look at that hot air balloon, out walking.'
I reached into the cupboard for eggs for my omelette, pulling out a box of eggs that looked different from those we usually buy. My husband bought them - they're called 'Burford Browns' and there's a message - I call it a warning - on the box: 'With deep brown coloured shells'.
Fine. Deep brown coloured shells I can cope with. Who cares about the shells? They go in the recycling, to shell heaven.
But when you crack these eggs for an omelette, inside the…
We are on holiday in Tenby, Wales. Paul and I come here most years, renting the same house each time because it has an original version of Monopoly with the metal tokens such as the top hat, boot and iron. We also like the pretty duvet covers on the beds. And there's a sea view, which is also nice.
It's a bit quiet this year - usually we bring some of our offspring with us. We are missing them. In part, this is because our she-was-on-Masterchef-once older daughter always does the cooking. We've been sitting around waiting for dinner to arrive before remembering she's not here and leaping to our feet to run to Tesco.
I'd like to share some of my holiday pictures with you. Fear not. My holiday snaps tend not to feature panoramic views or cathedrals.
This is post-op and relieved Rat, although his look says 'If you'd known the difference between a wall ornament and a light fitting, none of this would have been necessary ...'