Welcome! You have found the home of 'Being Me', Fran Hill's blog. Please browse my posts and if you like what you read, you'll enjoy my book 'Being Miss' which you can order from my website or on Amazon. My next book 'Miss, What Does Incomprehensible Mean?' will be published by SPCK Publishing in 2020. My website is at www.franhill.co.uk. Come and visit for more Fran info!
Subscribe to this blog
Follow by Email
Reasons why stretched earlobes can still be useful when you're old
Granted, plain earlobes are just boring. I mean, there's a nice little piece of flesh, just aching for a diamond or a dangly silver thing, and if you just leave it as it is, in the end it's just a little piece of flesh: redundant or what? And I don't know about you, but I have enough little pieces of flesh hanging around my body doing nothing useful; I don't need more. So I may as well decorate the bits that are decent enough to be on show.
I'm not sure I'd go as far as some, though. For me, the delicate silver stud or the faux diamond are as far as I'm prepared to take earlobe enhancement.
But there's now a fashion, and not just in remote tribal areas, for making the holes in your earlobes massive by putting, firstly, small discs in the holes in them, then bigger discs, then bigger ones, etc etc, until they'll take jewellery the size of dinner plates.
But what happens when you get old? You wake up one day. You're 73. And suddenly, the gaping holes in your earlobes, which now dangle down to your elbows, don't seem so cool any more, along with the love/hate tattoos on your knuckles and the stud in your left nipple.
Well, here I am to help. I have some ideas for you, so that even if you don't want to put jewellery in those holes which gets you laughed at down at the dinner club, they won't go to waste.
Ways to use your redundant stretched earlobes:
1. You know how hard it is normally to carry French sticks home? They don't fit in any average-sized bag. They knock against other people on the bus. Carrying them under your arm makes the bread smelly, especially when you popped in to buy them half way through your marathon run. It's such a pain. So just slide them into those earlobes and you've got your hands free for the rest of the shopping or for that vital bottle of water that will get you to the finish line.
2. Broken your arm? Broken both arms? Save on expensive slings. No need for those nasty plaster casts which your friends always want to write rude jokes on. Just support those injuries by crossing your arm over and sliding a hand inside the earlobe.
3. Short on ideas for party games? How about 'leap through the lobe', a popular pastime in which contestants take a run at your ear then jump up and dive through? Those who get through cleanly without touching any of your flesh get prizes. Anyone who gets stuck doesn't get birthday cake.
4. Irritated by the fact that you have no pockets and nowhere to keep your Ipod while you're listening to your fave tracks? It's so tedious, having to carry the machine as you walk along. Now you can keep both earphones and Ipod above neck level by lodging your music device inside a stretched earlobe. There are rumours that the techie guys are even now working on a round version of the Ipod Nano (from Eyepod to Earpod) for a perfect fit.
5. Know any short people who like to keep fit? It's a well known fact that height-challenged individuals often compensate by building up their muscles. But many can't afford their own set of parallel rings. You could be the answer to their problem.
You know, suddenly, just putting jewellery inside stretched earlobes sounds oh so yesterday. Be the first to wear a French stick instead and hit the headlines.
I picked up my new glasses this morning. Here's a Before and After comparison for you, whether you wanted it or not.
You have no idea how long that's taken me, to post those Before and After pictures. Every time I posted the After one, it hopped up the page and decided to appear before the Before. 'No,' I told it. 'I need you after the Before. If you go before the Before, people will think the Before is the After and the After is the Before.'
'And who will care?' the After photo said to me. 'Why do you think anyone's bothered about your new glasses anyway?'
I ignored its cheek and dragged it back down again. This time, it stayed.
It's true. Maybe no one is bothered. But it seems a dramatic change to me, and I felt very self-conscious, stepping out of the opticians into Leamington's main high street. What if I saw someone I knew? Would they do that is-it-isn't-it thing and decide not to speak to me? What if they hate the new loo…
Well, Happy New Year, everyone! Thank you for following me during 2018 - your forbearance and long-suffering are much appreciated, as are all your comments. This year I'm meant to be writing and delivering to the publishers my diary-memoir 'Miss, What Does Incomprehensible Mean?' Watch out for news.
I thought I'd write about fish pie as it's the start of the new year and there are many, many reasons I am not the right person to write a blog about new year resolutions ...
I made a fish pie last night for dinner because there was a packet of supermarket pastry in the fridge that never got converted into mince pies over Christmas.
Why didn't I make the mince pies? Mainly because I knew that no one would eat them over Christmas because they'd all be stuffed to perdition with other goodies. So, if I'd made 48, I would eat 47 of them and then my husband, who's not a major fan (of mince PIES, you at the back!!) would wander into the kitchen in mid-January …
This is a scene from a novel I hoped to get published. But I've moved on now and am writing another book which will be published in 2020. Watch this space!
I really like the scene, though. So I thought I'd let you read it, rather than having it fester on my laptop.
Enjoy! It's very much based on my personal experience, and it's a scene that's played out in real life in many, many classrooms across the country. And perhaps the world.
Setting: a secondary school classroom, England. Friday afternoon. Characters: an English teacher and her class
The pupils, as they did every
week at this time, drifted from all corners of the school, in spits and spots
like a gradual, hesitant build-up of rain. They
seemed weary, as did their end-of-the-week uniforms, which drooped and slouched
on their bodies as if drained of life.Indeed, some of their blazers had died and slidden off their bodies like
thin corpses, hanging now from the ends of their fingers. Several pupils had