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Tuesday, 1 December 2009

Reasons why stretched earlobes can still be useful when you're old


Granted, plain earlobes are just boring. I mean, there's a nice little piece of flesh, just aching for a diamond or a dangly silver thing, and if you just leave it as it is, in the end it's just a little piece of flesh: redundant or what? And I don't know about you, but I have enough little pieces of flesh hanging around my body doing nothing useful; I don't need more. So I may as well decorate the bits that are decent enough to be on show.

I'm not sure I'd go as far as some, though. For me, the delicate silver stud or the faux diamond are as far as I'm prepared to take earlobe enhancement.

But there's now a fashion, and not just in remote tribal areas, for making the holes in your earlobes massive by putting, firstly, small discs in the holes in them, then bigger discs, then bigger ones, etc etc, until they'll take jewellery the size of dinner plates.
But what happens when you get old? You wake up one day. You're 73. And suddenly, the gaping holes in your earlobes, which now dangle down to your elbows, don't seem so cool any more, along with the love/hate tattoos on your knuckles and the stud in your left nipple.
Well, here I am to help. I have some ideas for you, so that even if you don't want to put jewellery in those holes which gets you laughed at down at the dinner club, they won't go to waste.
Ways to use your redundant stretched earlobes:
1. You know how hard it is normally to carry French sticks home? They don't fit in any average-sized bag. They knock against other people on the bus. Carrying them under your arm makes the bread smelly, especially when you popped in to buy them half way through your marathon run. It's such a pain. So just slide them into those earlobes and you've got your hands free for the rest of the shopping or for that vital bottle of water that will get you to the finish line.
2. Broken your arm? Broken both arms? Save on expensive slings. No need for those nasty plaster casts which your friends always want to write rude jokes on. Just support those injuries by crossing your arm over and sliding a hand inside the earlobe.
3. Short on ideas for party games? How about 'leap through the lobe', a popular pastime in which contestants take a run at your ear then jump up and dive through? Those who get through cleanly without touching any of your flesh get prizes. Anyone who gets stuck doesn't get birthday cake.
4. Irritated by the fact that you have no pockets and nowhere to keep your Ipod while you're listening to your fave tracks? It's so tedious, having to carry the machine as you walk along. Now you can keep both earphones and Ipod above neck level by lodging your music device inside a stretched earlobe. There are rumours that the techie guys are even now working on a round version of the Ipod Nano (from Eyepod to Earpod) for a perfect fit.
5. Know any short people who like to keep fit? It's a well known fact that height-challenged individuals often compensate by building up their muscles. But many can't afford their own set of parallel rings. You could be the answer to their problem.

You know, suddenly, just putting jewellery inside stretched earlobes sounds oh so yesterday. Be the first to wear a French stick instead and hit the headlines.

14 comments:

  1. Please don't talk to me about redundant dangling pieces of flesh; I'm depressed already. But that gives me an idea: You could use those earlobe loops as Dutch wives.

    You know if someone told me that someday I'd be writing such things for the whole world to see...But it's not easy matching wits with you.

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  2. How about using them as a handy dandy supportive bra. Might as well make it a double duty project.

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  3. I can just see those headlines:

    Is French Bread Becoming a 'pain' In The Ear?

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  4. For the squeamish (me) those are all very nasty suggestions, Fran. It's bad enough coping with the downward migration of bosoms and chins without adding earlobes that have had a dozen alternative functions to the remorseless trek South of one's body parts. (Please don't write something about alternative uses for gravity-afflicted bosoms, please don't!)

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  5. Mark, I promise not to mention dangling pieces of flesh for at least two blog posts. It does rather depress one, I agree.

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  6. Rae - superb! That's No 6.

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  7. None of those posh intellectual jokes round here, Martin.

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  8. Okay, Rachel, I promise I won't write about old pendulous bosoms. But you're such a spoilsport.

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  9. Hmm ... now you've got me thinking. (always a dangerous thing) With a little practice, maybe I could balance a bottle of Merlot in one lobe and Chardonnay in the other. Won't my holiday party guests be impressed?

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  10. Funny and clever, Fran. Never knew why people got their ears pierced this way. Now I know! :)

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  11. Lesley, send me the pictures when you've done it. That's something I have to see.

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  12. Thanks, Ellie. Let me know if you ever find your new knowledge useful ... perhaps it might come in useful for conversations at parties. Perhaps not ...

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  13. thanks Fran, that is a great help. Now all you have to tell me is what to do with the hole where my nose ring used to sit.

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  14. Friko - I'm afraid I have no ideas for you. Just don't stand anywhere near me when you sneeze.

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