Reasons why you should do army training before teacher training

A tragic and moving poem in which a new teacher realises that her expectations may have been somewhat unrealistic ...

I’d read all the guide books on classroom control.
I’d got it all sussed; a quiet class was my goal.
I’d a will made of iron and peace in my soul.
I was calm.
I’d browsed on the Web for discipline tips.
I was fully prepared and completely equipped.
And I just would not tolerate anyone’s lip.
I’d no qualms.

These things I remember now, here in the gloom,
Locked by Tyler O’Neill in the stationery room
Hoping someone from Senior Staff will come soon
With a key.
These things I recall as I massage the bruise
Shazza Rogers inflicted with mile-high shoes
When I dared to mention her F—k me tattoos.
Silly me.

Those nostalgic days when the future seemed bright
Before Shannon and Julie used set squares to fight
And Ryan McPhee set the waste bin alight
With a fag.
I’ll be here all night long on this chewing-gummed floor
Reading John Barrett’s conquests he’s scratched on the door.
I’d be screaming and yelling for help now, but for
This damn gag.

Comments

  1. Rachel15/1/10 13:36

    I think that this should definitely go in every teacher handbook. Harry Wong discipline? PSH.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Fran Hill15/1/10 14:03

    If it did go in every teacher handbook, Little Miss ET, I suspect we would have very few teachers left in the world!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Lynda15/1/10 18:39

    My daughter just went back to school this week for her Master's Degree so she could become a teacher. I don't think I'll forward this to her yet!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Brilliant Sulk15/1/10 19:41

    Oh I can't wait for the day when I'm at the local bookshop and your book of poetry is displayed in the window...

    This book must include a few poems on public transportation though. You know they are my favorites.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Fran Hill16/1/10 04:30

    No, perhaps not, MissLynda. I think sending her a big box of chocolates and a crate of wine might be a better option.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Fran Hill16/1/10 04:33

    Me too, Amanda, me too. Although I find it hard to call this kind of thing 'poetry'. Comic verse? All I know is, I love performing them as well as writing them and I keep trying to pluck up courage to ask local venues to let me do a show. Too scared.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Lesley16/1/10 05:43

    Oh yes, you should try performing them! You could be the next star on Britain's Got Talent. Come to think of it, could you sing them?? That would be even better.

    Great job, seriously - I love your poems!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Fran Hill16/1/10 06:59

    Lesley - singing has been known, accompanied by the old gee-tar. At the school where I worked before, I used to perform at school events in front of parents! Scary! But a good laugh. As for Britain's Got Talent, my round frame, dark hair and slight air of craziness may bring unfortunate comparisons to Susan Boyle. That, I would not risk for a million pounds.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Rae16/1/10 11:39

    I used to think I wanted to be a teacher. I don't think I would have survived. It takes nerves of steel and a lot of determination...two things I am lacking.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Fran Hill16/1/10 12:18

    Rae, I have to confess that the school I work in now knows nothing of this kind of scenario. Put it this way, I am sure that, many times, they wish they could lock me in a cupboard, but they're far too nice to actually do so. But there are schools like it and I wouldn't like to work in them either.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Friko17/1/10 09:29

    You love it, really, don't you?
    Anyways, you gotta larf, aint'cha?

    I'd love to be your pupil, I bet the kids love you too.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Fran Hill17/1/10 10:19

    Friko - if I really did work in a school like this, I think I would lock MYSELF in the stationery cupboard and refuse to come out.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Martin19/1/10 11:08

    Surely you're too young to have taught my class?

    ReplyDelete
  14. Fran Hill19/1/10 14:14

    Very young, Martin. Extremely, in fact. Don't let the wrinkles and saggy bits tell you anything different.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Margaret English20/1/10 09:39

    Very good. If you want it to be part of school policy, you will need to come up with a decent acronym as a title!

    ReplyDelete
  16. Fran Hill20/1/10 10:20

    Wouldn't that mean, Urban School Teacher, that I'd also have to divide it into sections, sub-sections and sub-sub-sections, take out any references to humour and replace any words suggesting difficulty with the word 'challenge'?

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Reasons why Fran is desperately in search of earbuds

Image
My try-to-get-fitter walk in the fields today was a silent one. I usually listen to the radio through earphones but have lost one of the soft earbuds and nothing spoils a walk more than having hard plastic nudging up against your fragile tympanic membrane. The BBC's  'Woman's Hour' is a brilliant programme but loyalty has limits.  It was disconcerting, walking in silence. Listening to radio distracts from the disturbing reality that my legs are propelling me in forward motion because, if I think too hard about this, I frighten myself.  Today, while walking, I had to listen to my own thoughts.  And now I've listened to my own thoughts, I remember why I like radio better. The inside of my head is like a wastepaper basket.   Be grateful that I only offer you a brief excerpt.  Oh, look, that bird is - / Where did I put that mark scheme. I'll need it for - / My shoes are getting muddier./ Maybe mash with the fish tonight / really muddy / The trees are defin...
Read more

More evidence that the wrong consonant makes all the difference to a famous book title

Image
More typo-lit, one of my favourite genres: To Kilt a Mockingbird - a tale set in the Southern States of America in which a young family move into the area from Aberdeen.  The children are found dressing the local wildlife in tartan and have to be taught that clothing innocent victims in bright material is not acceptable.  The little girl (Scot) says, 'Shoot, Pa, that's the darndest thing I ever did hear!' and there is surprise all round at her adoption of the local dialect in such a short time. To Kiln a Mockingbird - a tale set in the Southern States of America in which a wise father teaches his children that to put an innocent bird into a red-hot oven, converting it into an attractive china piece for the kitchen, was bound to upset Aunt Alexandra when given as a birthday present, and if this was indeed their intention, they deserved a whipping.   They don't get the whipping; the father can't stand Aunt Alexandra either. To Bill a Mockingbird - a tale set ...
Read more

Reasons why Being Me is going to be Was Being Me for a while

I'm now on my summer holidays from school, dear friends, and I think there are two ways these 7 weeks could go. Option 1. I start out with the intention of chasing more agents and publishers for my books/beginning a new novel/writing some articles/trying to pitch a new column/entering some story and poetry competitions, but after 5 minutes of enthusiasm decide to blog/read blogs instead because it's just TOO DIFFICULT.  I therefore spend hours blogging and then find it's bedtime. Option 2. I decide to have a break from the blogosphere so that I can give myself as much chance as possible of actually getting past that 'it's just too difficult' point. I know myself too well.  So, I've decided on option 2.  You're a great bunch of followers and I hope you'll stick around so that when that I start 'Being Me' again in September or thereabouts, you'll be looking out for a seminal post about a stuffed animal or an incident on a local bus .....
Read more