More evidence for why I will never get published in literary magazines

Some authors, you know, just need to CALM DOWN a little, get less emotional, exaggerate less about stuff.  The literary canon could be so different, so much quieter and softer and less stressy ...

The Grapes of Mild Annoyance - John Steinbeck

Minor Offences and Verbal Warnings - Fyodor Dostoevsky

A Short Scuffle and Peace - Leo Tolstoy

Narrow Strip of Sargasso Sea - Jean Rhys

Slightly Unstable Medium Slopes - Emily Bronte

To Threaten a TeasingBird - Harper Lee

Not Particularly Cheery House - Charles Dickens

A Touch of Arrogance and A Mild Tendency to Judge Others -  Jane Austen

Minor Influence - Jane Austen

The Kinda Okay Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald

The Trip - Homer

Lady Chatterley's Casual Acquaintance - D H Lawrence

A Room with a Windowbox - E M Forster

Minimal Adaptation - Franz Kafka

The Divine Lame Joke - Dante

Moderate Hopes - Charles Dickens

Les Mildly-Fedupables - Victor Hugo

Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Peeping Tom - John Le Carre

The Somewhat Yellowed Notebook - Doris Even-Lessing

Catch 2 Point 2 - Joseph Heller

Gulliver's Flicking through Holiday Brochures - Jonathan Quite-Swift

Liked - Tony Morrison

The Good Hair Day of Miss Jean Brodie - Muriel Spark

The Nap - Raymond Chandler

That's enough for now.  Off to plan some lessons on Shakespeare's 'The Mild Squall'.


  1. This made me laugh. I'm sure studying Homer's 'The Trip' in Classics would have got me an A*.

    I also feel intellectual now, cause I got most of them XD

  2. An essay in hilarity - but nobody would have read any of them, would they? Like blog posts, the more you promise, the keener the readership.

  3. Ho ho. Very funny! And a bit catching.... Am off to pore over my bookshelves now....

  4. Yes, Hillel - perhaps he could have just popped in on Cyclops and then gone home to his wife. Would have saved her a lot of unpicking.

  5. Thanks, Rachel - happy poring!

  6. Friko, I'm not sure you're right. I think a lot of Classics students (see Hillel's comment above) might have been grateful for 'The Trip' and other less challenging projects!

  7. A Jewish guy walks around Dublin for a day.

  8. If only that were a joke, Lane, and it wasn't actually what happens!

  9. I'd try one but you own this, Fran. These are hilarious. My faves are Dostoyevsky and "Moderate Hopes".

  10. Mark - oh, go on! You know you want to!

  11. Anonymous21/2/10 02:58

    But then we'd have to re-name sixties cultural artefact The Trip, the Bit Giggly. Joseph Conrad's Light Breeze? L'Influenze D'Arthur by Thomas Mallory? Paradise Put Down Somewhere?

    OK, this could keep me busy all day. "A Touch of Arrogance and A Mild Tendency to Judge Other" - arguably you've out-Austened Austen there...

  12. Dadwhowrites - keep going. These are great. I love 'Paradise Put Down Somewhere'. Genius.

  13. Harry Potter IV: The Cup That Got a Bit Hot.

  14. Sorry, couldn't resist:
    Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Pebble
    Harry Potter and the Room of Dubious Rumours
    Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Debt
    Harry Potter and the Cup that Got a Bit Hot
    Harry Potter and the Group of the Pigeon
    Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Local Council Member
    Harry Potter and the Always Read The Label Hallows

  15. Very good, Hillel. I had to look some of them up though because I couldn't remember them all. Then I laughed more! Getting on with your university work, then .....?

  16. I am rocking your sense of humour! Brilliant fun. Here's a couple more:

    Central Heating - Dante
    Oliver Warm-up-and-Stretch - Dickens

  17. Jayne - these are great! Very funny, both of them. Thanks for joining in.

  18. Cloud AA Route Map - David Mitchell

    The History of the Slight Slope and Gentle Tumble of the Roman Region - Edward Gibbon

  19. Moptop - I love both of these! Fabulous. Thanks for getting involved!

  20. Fran this time you must think I'm some kind of nut, but Friko will vouch for me. I mean, she'll tell you that I'm generally an OK kind of person.

    Would I have your permission to copy and paste this post in an email, with credit given to you OF COURSE??? I know so many people who would laugh their heads off at this. Well, I know a few people. But they would all find this hilarious.
    It is the best, best, best kind of humour cause it's smart.

  21. Deborah - paste me anywhere you like. Then send them all my way for more. Thank you for your lovely comments.

  22. David What'sHisName . . . Charles Dickens.
    Rather Fewer Than Four Men in a Boat. . . Jerome K. Jerome.
    Martin WHO? I do not Believe It! . . . Charles Dickens

    Pssst . . I'll vouch for Deborah, too. She really is OK!


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