How I know I must be in labour
Well .... I wasn't expecting to be, and I'm 48 next birthday, and certain surgical procedures have been undertaken that we were assured were usually permanent ...
but I guess it's POSSible.
So, maybe I AM.
Hang on! But that means .... Oh, gosh, I'm so reLIEVED. This explains EVERything .....
The gradually increasing waistline (now I don't feel so bad about that elastic giving way and pinging into the face of the lady on the bus).
The feeling that I need to lie down in a bed most of the day (now I can tell my boss that there is a REASON I need to teach from a supine position).
The flutterings in the tummy I keep thinking are hunger (now I know there's a baby in there needing food, I can have three cakes instead of two).
The mood swings (now I can carry on moving from 'I feel great' to 'I feel lousy' through to 'If you turn it over to classical music one more time, sunshine, you're getting this crunchy nut icecream down the back of your neck' without feeling bad when accused of being volatile).
The groaning scales (now I can celebrate each kilo as evidence of a growing baby and can just carry on blaming the weight gain on someone else - as I have been already).
The fact that I can't reach the sink to wash up the dishes any more (now I can leave Husband to do this while I put my feet up, eat chocolates and yell my normal instructions about wiping the surfaces down properly from the lounge).
The deep abdominal contractions (I thought that was just my normal instinctive reaction at the sight of chocolate but now I know they are the first stirrings of an arriving infant I can eat as much chocolate as I like in preparation for the hard work of delivery).
You know, I am so glad I have finally identified the source of all these signs and symptoms. For a moment there, I thought I was going to have to DIET! Ha ha ha. How funny! And there was me, all ready to go and buy Ryvita and lettuce. How silly I'd have felt, thinking I was just getting FAT, when all the time I was in labour.
All the time since Christmas, in fact!
Which is quite a long labour, when you think about it.
But, at my age, you expect things to slow down a little.
I reckon that baby's not coming until at least May.
And before May is my birthday. Chocolate time.
And Easter. Chocolate time.
And, of course, everyone brings chocolates when you've just had a baby. Including your other children (ages ranging from 19-26).
Who will be quite surprised by the baby.
As I was.
As will my Husband be.
Hm. Interesting times ahead. I'll let you know.
(Ooohhh! That was a sharp one! Maybe I'll call the ambulance, just in case. I'll just finish these chocolate-covered brazils first.)