Five things I learned at the shops today
2. If you're looking to buy a trendy jacket for work, let me tell you that big flappy collars the size of schooner sails are in. What's more, they are in on little bitty jackets which only reach to just below your waist. Effectively, there is enough material in each of the collars to make three more of the jackets plus a matching A-line skirt. When the spring breezes blow up, your bum will be freezing cold, but your shoulders will be as sweaty as a wrestler's armpit.
3. Trying on waterproof padded jackets in sports shop is not something to do on a low self-esteem day, especially when shop assistants are watching. There are so many zips to unzip, strips of Velcro to un-Velc, detachable hoods to untach and press-studs to unpress that you end up needing Kendal mint cake just to try the thing on. The Velcro sticks to your jumper. You can't do up the zip because it's halfway down your thighs and you can't see past all the material which bunches up when you bend over. When you unzip the hood it comes off OK but seems only to want to go back on inside out or upside down. And what looked fine on a hanger makes you look like Mike Tyson turned mountaineer. In pink and grey.
4. The generosity of a shop's sizes does not change from week to week. So, what you couldn't get the buttons done up on last week, on the same garment, in the same size, in the same shop, isn't going to be a success story this week either. The words 'It's worth a try' and 'What's there to lose?' are not a magic formula. It is very much not worth it, and there is a heck of a lot to lose.
5. Lime green may have enhanced your complexion when you were twenty and all your hair was still very very dark brown, almost black. Thirty or so years later, when your hair is going grey and your skin has lost its teenage bloom, you cannot complain when a lime green jacket makes you look as though you need emergency hospitalisation. (The clue is in the fact that the jacket actually matches your face beautifully.)