Why junk emails make me paranoid - at least, that's what everyone says about me
Why are junk emails always so strange, often with incomplete names and subject lines and wiggly lines? Why always from Africa, or people with strange names, or banks you've never heard of, or companies offering things completely irrelevant to your own life?
The first of today's offerings is from 'Sebastio Sales Be- (the rest of the surname is missing)' and the subject line is 'Re: re'. What does this mean? Is it regarding regarding? And, if so, who am I meant to be regarding? Why does Sebastio think I need advice about who I regard and who I don't? Has a friend whose feelings I have unknowingly hurt been in touch with Sebastio? And, Sebbo, try a bit more imagination with your subject lines. In fact, expect an email from me soon entitled 'Regarding subject lines'. The other thing, Seb, is that having 'Sales' as your middle name is going to make people suspicious, even if you have entitled the email 'regarding regarding' and not 'I am here to GET YOUR MONEY OFF YOU!'
The second email is from 'Allaboutyou' and the subject line is 'top fashion tips and hair advice'. This is worrying. For a start, how do they KNOW 'allaboutme' in order to be able to give me fashion tips and hair advice? And if they do know, what do they know? If I click on the email, are they going to send me their 'advice for the lanky-haired brunette' leaflet or 'top tips for the dumpy' advice sheet? Who has told them? I hate being targeted like this. It reminds me of when I walked into a salon once intending to ask about their facials and the assistant said, 'I presume you're wanting the hairdresser'. That wasn't a good self-esteem day.
The third is from 'Mrs Tasmeen Edin' and the subject line is 'Work with Me, Please'. Well, that's all very nice, Mrs Edin, but exactly what kind of work is this? Who are you? If it's 'I want to be your publisher', then write again and I'll give you my mobile number, my work number, my home number, my email, all my friends' emails, my full address and a great big cuddle. If it's 'I need someone to help me clean inner city public conveniences', then I might need to think about that for a bit longer. If it's 'I've tried everyone else in the whole world and no one else will work with me because I have body odour, a knuckle-cracking habit and a garlic addiction, but I've been told you're a nice person and thought I'd try you as my last resort', then, sorry, Tazza, but find yourself a home office somewhere and get used to isolation. I'm nice, but not that nice.