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Saturday, 20 March 2010

Why junk emails make me paranoid - at least, that's what everyone says about me

I have three emails in my 'Junk Mail' box.  (I know, I know.  You have three million.  I must have a very good filter.  Still, the ones I get are very entertaining.)

Why are junk emails always so strange, often with incomplete names and subject lines and wiggly lines?  Why always from Africa, or people with strange names, or banks you've never heard of, or companies offering things completely irrelevant to your own life?

The first of today's offerings is from 'Sebastio Sales Be- (the rest of the surname is missing)' and the subject line is 'Re: re'.  What does this mean?  Is it regarding regarding?  And, if so, who am I meant to be regarding?  Why does Sebastio think I need advice about who I regard and who I don't?  Has a friend whose feelings I have unknowingly hurt been in touch with Sebastio?  And, Sebbo, try a bit more imagination with your subject lines.  In fact, expect an email from me soon entitled 'Regarding subject lines'. The other thing, Seb, is that having 'Sales' as your middle name is going to make people suspicious, even if you have entitled the email 'regarding regarding' and not 'I am here to GET YOUR MONEY OFF YOU!'

The second email is from 'Allaboutyou' and the subject line is 'top fashion tips and hair advice'.  This is worrying.  For a start, how do they KNOW 'allaboutme' in order to be able to give me fashion tips and hair advice?  And if they do know, what do they know?  If I click on the email, are they going to send me their 'advice for the lanky-haired brunette' leaflet or 'top tips for the dumpy' advice sheet?  Who has told them?  I hate being targeted like this.  It reminds me of when I walked into a salon once intending to ask about their facials and the assistant said, 'I presume you're wanting the hairdresser'.  That wasn't a good self-esteem day.

The third is from 'Mrs Tasmeen Edin' and the subject line is 'Work with Me, Please'.   Well, that's all very nice, Mrs Edin, but exactly what kind of work is this?  Who are you?  If it's 'I want to be your publisher', then write again and I'll give you my mobile number, my work number, my home number, my email, all my friends' emails, my full address and a great big cuddle.  If it's 'I need someone to help me clean inner city public conveniences', then I might need to think about that for a bit longer.  If it's 'I've tried everyone else in the whole world and no one else will work with me because I have body odour, a knuckle-cracking habit and a garlic addiction, but I've been told you're a nice person and thought I'd try you as my last resort', then, sorry, Tazza, but find yourself a home office somewhere and get used to isolation.  I'm nice, but not that nice.

23 comments:

  1. Dear (dear) Me, 'find yourself a home office somewhere and get used to isolation' cracked me up, although I was already before that. I think my house/bed/cooking partner wonders what's going on in here when I'm laughing all by myself. I don't try and explain any of it to him. He's Belgian.

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  2. Even though our SPAM filters were supposed to be the best they could be, the usual suspects continued to appear in the work mailbox on a daily basis. Everything from people in exotic locations begging me to share in their fortune, to people begging me to make them a fortune by investing in enhancements for my own exotic locations.

    Your trio sounds vaguely familiar. Who are those guys?

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  3. Well, my junk mail is always concerning viagra, three a day sometimes. Perhaps I attract them ; when I was shown around my daughter's Catholic school a few years ago a sweet year 10 said completely deadpan, "In year 9 we went on a hockey trip to the Viagara Falls." I hope they didn't exert themselves.

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  4. all;s well, I got here just as easily as when I was ordered to appear before Miss.
    You are very good, you read those emails.

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  5. I only ever get offered penis enlargements - think how that makes ME feel!

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  6. Deborah - I bet your Belgian says to people 'I can't explain it to her - all she does is sit in a room and laugh to herself'.

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  7. Martin - they write to you too? I wonder whether, out of all the millions Mrs Tamsin Edin targets to work with her, there will even be one who takes up the offer.

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  8. Friko - they are the highlight of my day. Which tells you a lot about how exciting my life is.

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  9. Sara - love the Viagra Falls story. There's something wonderfully paradoxical about the name.

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  10. Moptop - I think it might be your profile picture that attracts these emails ....

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  11. Yay! I found you again! I always delete these straight away just in case of bug and viruses. But I know a few people write back just to see what response they get (if any). :)

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  12. Rachel - I would never answer one! That's the quickest way to a virus known to man.

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  13. Mine, way more than three a day, are about two thirds viagra and one third Nigerian bank managers.

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  14. elizabethm - I will pass your name on to Mrs Edin. You're obviously lacking variety.

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  15. Very funny post! Had a good chuckle. My junk mail includes many offers of 'mailing lists of medical professionals' - why would I need that?!
    PS Thanks for redirecting me, Fran!

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  16. Really Rachel - it's completely random, what we seem to get as junk mail, evidenced I guess by the number of Viagra emails we ladies get ... Glad you found me again!

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  17. Not Fair!! I must be the invisible woman, I never get junk emails-whats wrong with me that I am ignored like this?? I'm short dumpy, not young and known as a mad cat lady. I need junk emails, even from Nigerians asking for money will do.
    I found you o.k and my tech. support will tidy up links later. I rely on your posts for a laugh.

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  18. Linens and Royals - you never get junk emails! Friends, friends, send all your junk to L & R - she doesn't know what she's missing! L & R - you are going to find out more stuff about Viagra, Nigerian bankers and ladies who need work colleagues than you ever imagined ....
    Glad you re-found me!

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  19. ...just snuck back here for another laugh before bed....

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  20. Yup, another one who gets offered a bigger w*lly!

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  21. Chris - do you ever wonder what the males of the world receive in their junk email if that's the kind of thing we get?

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  22. I think I would be more worried if I walked into a salon wanting a hairdresser and they said to me 'I presume you're wanting a facial'.

    My junk mail also tries to sell me penis enlargers and viagra. I wonder what sort of return they get on these things that makes it continue to be worth their while. The mind boggles!

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  23. Jayne - if they said 'I presume you're wanting a facial' to me, I think I might reply, 'I presume you're wanting my handbag round your pretty little head'. At least, that's what I'd LIKE to think I would say ...

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