WHAT YOU'LL FIND ON THIS BLOG

Thursday, 8 April 2010

Evidence that I don't deserve to be taken on holiday

Chaps, I'm going quiet for a week.

(Who said, 'Oh, there IS a God!'? Come on, own up.)



It's because I'm going on holiday with Husband to ............




MAURITIUS! ............





No, hang on, that wasn't the name ....... Bear with me ............





Oh yes, I've remembered!  It's .......






HAWAII! ........







Nope.  That's not right, that's not right.  Oh, how annoying.  Hold on, I'll get it in a minute.






Ah!  I know!  I'm going to .........







NEW ZEALAND! ......






Oh, shoot.  No, that wasn't it either.  Let me just go and check the paperwork.  Stay there ..........











Ah.










Here we are.










I knew the others sounded wrong.


I'm really going to ................





Tenby, a little seaside town in South Wales.







But it's OK!  It's not as bad as it sounds.  Because ......... where do you think I am staying in Tenby, South Wales?







That's it!  I'm staying in a .............






FIVE STAR HOTEL WITH LOTS OF CELEBRITIES WHERE I'LL HAVE MY OWN PERSONAL STAFF AND A REGULAR TABLE FOR THE FIVE COURSE MEALS!



Or am I?






No, no, I forget now.  Come on, Fran.  Think.  Where did you book into?






Oh, that's right!  I'm staying in ..............










THE EAST WING OF AN ELIZABETHAN MANSION WHERE YOU GET YOUR OWN BUTLER AND ROLLS ROYCE WITH CHAUFFEUR TO EXPLORE THE LOCAL AREA!









No, that doesn't sound right.  How annoying.  My memory is just so ........














Ah!  That's it!  I remember now.  I'm staying in a ............








SIXTEEN BEDROOMED VILLA WITH ITS OWN SWIMMING POOL, JACUZZI AND BASEMENT CINEMA STOCKED WITH JOHNNY DEPP FILMS ...






Or maybe that wasn't it.  Hang on.  Let me just go and check the paperwork.










Ah.














Turns out I'm staying in a one-bedroomed apartment, self-catering, with no washing machine and a slightly blocked view of the sea when cars park in front of the window.





Oh, well, never mind.  At least, while I'm there, I'm going to be ...................








DOING A DEEP-SEA DIVING COURSE WITH A REALLY HUNKY INSTRUCTOR! ...............













No, no.  I don't think that was it ..........










I know!  I'm going to be ..........













LYING ON A HOT BEACH DRINKING TEQUILA SHOTS! ...............









No, that doesn't sound right, either.  (This is Britain.  This is April.)  So it can't have been that.  Oh, I know, I'm booked in for a ..............








DAY IN A SPA GETTING PAMPERED AND FUSSED OVER AND MADE INTO A SOPHIA LOREN LOOKALIKE ................










Nope.  That definitely wasn't it.  Hang on, I'll just go and look at the paperwork.












Ah.










It seems there is a chance to go mackerel fishing (but not open till May), an island with some monks on it, a very old town wall and a fish and chip shop.








But, friends.  There is hope.  Wherever I go in the world, there is one thing I always check before I go, and that is the location of ..................................








the local library!








And, yes, there is a library.  Here it is ..............




Doesn't it look amazing?  And, my friends, not only does it contain books (probably about 14), but it also has

INTERNET ACCESS!.................








'Darling, it's a lovely day.'

'Yes, Fran, it is.  How about a nice walk on the Pembrokeshire coastline?  It's only a few miles.'

'Oh, you know, my feet are so sore from yesterday's walk to the fish and chip shop.'

'But that was only round the corner.'

'I know, but they are just so sore.  I don't think I can walk the coastline today.  But why don't YOU?  I'm so upset that I can't come with you, but I'll just sit here in the holiday apartment, looking over the sea, if I can see round the cars, and rest my poor feet.'

'Well, if you're sure.'

'Yes, of course, darling.  You go ahead.  Take as long you like.  Here's a picnic which I've made for you which contains your breakfast, lunch and dinner plus three snacks.  That should keep you going for the WHOLE DAY.'

'But won't you be bored?'

'No, no, I'm sure I'll find something to do.  I might just pop out and take a look around The Wall for a while, just to get some fresh air, but other than that, I really do think I need to just rest.'

'Oh, okay.  Well, I'll be off then.  Are you sure you won't miss me too much?'

'Of COURSE, of COURSE!  But, you know me, always willing to suffer under adversity.'

'Well, bye, then.'

'Bye.'

(Door closes.)






TENBY LIBRARY, HERE I COME!


(So, when I say, I'm going quiet - all I'm saying is, I make no promises about commenting on your blogs.  But I may still be lurking, so no gossip about me, please ....)



21 comments:

  1. I bet you'll find great fish and chip shops too. Internet access and fish and chips. Forget Hawaii - Tenby's got it all.

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  2. See that quiet girl in the corner of her office, biting her lip and trying not to laugh when it is clear all her colleagues are actually working? Did you notice them all look up suspiciously from their spreadsheets as the quiet girl snorted with laughter, not a usual reaction to spreadsheets? Yes. You've almost blown my cover with that post, and I thank you for it! Have a wonderful time - please take some pictures of The Wall to share with us. :)

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  3. Now don't you be nasty about Tenby. It's a lovely spot. We used to go there every summer. Indeed, based on your description, we might well have stayed in that very same apartment. As I say, a lovely spot. And we would have continued going every summer ...
    ... if it hadn't been for the time it rained so much the beach flooded ....
    ... or the time my wife was violently sea-sick on the boat to Cadeby Island ....
    .... or .... well I will let you discover for yourself!

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  4. Hilarious!!
    I'll miss you, ex-Miss. The relish with which I feel upon this latest post is an indisputable sign that I have become addicted to Me. A week away will probably (probably? Possibly? not likely!) be good for, er, one. I'll just have to find other things to make me laugh.

    I wish you well at the library. Don't you have to be quiet in places like that??

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  5. As if we would gossip about you in your absence! Have a fun time in Tenby.

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  6. Have a lovely time! I love the British sea - miss it. I shall be in the mountains next week.

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  7. Enjoy! I spent a week in a caravan in Tenby as a 15yo schoolboy. Man, it didn't stop raining once all week.

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  8. You're hilarious!

    Enjoy Tenby. Wishing you nice weaather!

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  9. Thank you, thank you, thank you, my blogopals, for all your good wishes and stories about rain and people vomiting over the sides of boats. I am greatly encouraged as I pack.

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  10. Tenby is beautiful. You'll love it because the sun is going to shine and that is all it usually lacks. Good news about the library.

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  11. Thank you so much, elizabethm. There seems to be a general theme here about Tenby! I will pack another umbrella and my wellies, although as you say the forecast doesn't look too bad so far ...

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  12. Oh I'm jealous Fran. I haven't been on vacation in AGES. The sea? Library? Fish and chips? Sounds fantastic to me!

    Hopefully you won't come across any dead bodies on the beach (it happened to my cousin Stanford)

    Enjoy!

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  13. Good job keeping us in suspense! For a minute there it sounded like you would have a boring vacation with nothing to do but lie under some palm trees on a tropical beach. Ho hum. Tenby sounds like much more fun!

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  14. Sounds heavenly, to me. Have a great time.

    I, too, have many rejections for my work. Kindred souls.

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  15. Could be worse. Could be a CARAVAN - the holiday accommodation of choice for the person who cannot bear to be parted from her own personal washing up brush.

    I honestly thought you were going to Mauritius and felt a sharp pang of envy. The mackeral fishing got me, too.

    But Tenby is lovely. I spent several holidays there on the beach with Granny and her china tea set. Have fun!

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  16. On top of it all, it always rains in Wales! You'll need that library.

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  17. Hi, i just came across your blog, your post made me laugh :) I do like Tenby, even in the rain which it does everytime i go...hope you have a great time x

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  18. Tenby is the 'bees knees'. And going to the island with the monks is the highlight of anyone's social calendar.

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  19. You should be on stage........LOL ;)
    Sounds wonderful. We once camped in Manorbier, "did" Tenby and drove through Saundersfoot! I remember it well. I liked Tenby's little museum & art gallery up on the rock - I think they have a Gwen John in there. Oh and the fancy new lifeboat station....and playing ball on the beach. Not to mention the really quirky and very steamy centre for unwanted fish & reptiles up on the other headland....Have fun!!

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  20. Steve - you were right about the fish and chip shops and this goes some way to explaining why I couldn't get through my front door when I got back.

    Jayne - I'm sorry - I took no pictures of The Wall as I didn't have a camera. But I did say to The Wall, 'Hello, from Jayne', so I hope that's okay.

    Alan - I hate to say this, but IT WAS SUNNY THE WHOLE WEEK! And neither was I sick on a boat. This was probably because I didn't go on the boat, granted.

    Deborah - are you implying that I would find it difficult to be quiet when necessary? What gives you this impression? Anyway, I hope you managed without Me and didn't get the delerium tremens I got from not blogging.

    Martin - I had a great time, thank you, and thank you too for promising not to gossip about me. Nevertheless, COME ON, SPILL THE BEANS, WHAT DID THEY SAY?

    J J Beattie - I hope you enjoyed going up the mountains as much as I enjoyed refusing to walk absolutely anywhere uphill.

    Brennig - I'm pleased to say the sun shone. Anyway, don't 15 year old schoolboys do whatever they do whatever the weather? Mine always did. Minus a coat, or any other sop to sensible behaviour.

    Talli - the weather was great, and I have your good wishes to thank for that, as you were a lone voice in the wilderness in not mentioning THE RAIN.

    Whispering Writer - (I SO want to write your name in tiny letters ...) - I had a great time and thanks for reading.

    Elizabethm - you were right, and the combination of library and sun has done me a lot of good.

    Amanda - no, no dead bodies. I kicked a few just to check, and the sleeping sunbathers were NOT VERY HAPPY.

    Lesley - we did actually have palm trees outside our window. The Welsh kind, admittedly.

    Midlife Jobhunter - had a great time, thanks. A whole week without rejection letters. That's what I call a break.

    Moptop - have done caravans, too, myself, and can do so no longer. 'Oh, Husband, let us go and live together in a box smaller than our bathroom for a whole week. I'm sure it will be lovely.'

    Friko - aha! What you don't know is that I have a special deal with the weatherman when I go to Wales. Sun, sun, sun, all week.

    Alexandra - thanks so much for dropping by and for your comment. I see you're another 'it rained on me in Tenby' person, and although it hurts me terribly to say it, 'IT DIDN'T ON ME! HA HA HA!'

    Lizzie Love - I gave the monk island a miss - I'm sure they were really upset not to get a visit from me. I did buy a postcard with a saint on it, though.

    Sara - We did Saundersfoot on the bus. (More on that later ...) We were staying right next to the Museum. And we went to the quirky and steamy fish and reptiles thing. But I didn't play ball on the beach. Too full of chips to leap about.

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