WHAT YOU'LL FIND ON THIS BLOG

Thursday, 13 May 2010

Evidence that you should make sure you have the right animal in your title before being published

Beoslug – A breathtakingly exciting Anglo-Saxon tale in which a creature slithers from the earth, after undergoing some 'be an instant literary hero' training, and silently creeps up on a green monster, who then slips on Beoslug and brains himself on the edge of a table made from real oak, measuring forty feet by eighty feet and holding thirteen pigs with apples in their mouths and some tankards made from Celts' teeth and thigh bones.  Beoslug is rewarded for his endeavours by firstly being scraped up by a buxom maiden (although he is not in a state to notice this) and then being immortalised in a long, long poem in a form of English no one can understand but which doesn't stop everyone from swearing blind they've read the whole thing from start to finish.


Lord of the Wasps – a group of boys land on a desert island and immediately begin to hate each other.  One of the reasons for this is that some of the littluns swear they’ve seen a man in a yellow and black striped jumper fall from the sky and land in a tree.  They go and look.  When they don’t come back from their explorations, there’s a buzz of excitement, and in the chaos, someone who thinks he knows what the yellow and black thing is runs down the hill to tell everyone but is beaten to death with a pair of glasses.  In the end, they are all stung by the giant wasp, just before the ship arrives to rescue them all, so when the man in the white uniform arrives on the beach and says, ‘Boys will be boys’, he is talking only to himself and the wasp, who turns out to be less interested in polite conversation than in stinging to death a patronising geezer who went to Eton.


The Duck Of the Baskervilles – a horrific tale in which a duck haunts the moors of Devon, terrorising the neighbourhood with its beak of dripping flame and tendency to make a lot of noise at night.  A man dies of shock after seeing the Baskerville Duck, as well he might.  Beside the body is found one solitary webbed footprint (and then another one close by – ducks aren’t brilliant at balancing on one leg just so’s a writer can get a more chilling effect).  The Baskerville Duck is slain by Mr Sherlock Holmes and is now the name of a popular dish in a local Devonian gastropub.  It comes served with a tiny pile of rice formed in an eggcup and a raspberry jus.  Then, when you've finished, still hungry, you get the bill.

23 comments:

  1. Wonderful! I'd like to see a whole collection. You could call them Franimals.

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  2. I think we might have the duck of the Baskervilles around here....

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  3. Animals are all very well but I prefer My Family And Other Artichokes about a family who through no fault of their own are all vegetables. Er... not a lot happens really.

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  4. The Duck Of the Baskervilles definitely has legs.

    When I worked at the University, I was amazed at how many people were keen to make known, their understanding of Beowolf. I'm no slouch, but I even struggled, with Michael Wood spelling it out!

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  5. this is another one that could run and run.
    Are you an English reacher by any chance? You seem to know the odd book or two.

    Fran, it may look as if I'm following you twice. I am not. i took myself off and put myself back on again, because there was a problem with getting your latest posts on to my dashboard; a hangover from you changing your name.

    By the way, have the creditors stopped hounding you now that you've become me instead of miss?

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  6. You know, this is the sort of thing that could make a reader suspicious of your sanity. And I'd be willing to bet that your dreams are even wilder.

    I'm so glad I've got you as a MOM, though. It's great to get up in the morning and find your little notes that make me laugh and feel happy for hours afterward.

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  7. Stan - er ... a collection? But these are the only three books I've read. Just don't tell my boss.

    Steve - not a lot happens? But that sounds like one heck of a thrilling plot.

    Martin - it's the same with Ulysses, the other text everyone says they've read.

    Friko - yes, my new identity has seen off creditors, bank managers, court summonses ... I recommend it as a way of going underground.

    Deborah - not only suspicious, but damn near convinced, I would have thought. As for my dreams ... ah, that would be telling. The Baskerville Duck doesn't come even near the truth.

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  8. Val - is your area littered with dead bodies and webbed footprints, then?

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  9. Val - just looked back at your blog. Something sounded familiar ... now I remember why you know a lot about ducks!

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  10. Can your whacky imagination do anything with 'the littlest hobo?'!

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  11. I am very glad that there were no cockatoos mentioned!

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  12. Great post.

    (Really like Stan's idea for Franimals, too)

    X

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  13. Annie - sorry if I'm being 'dur' but me no understando.

    Eternally Distracted - I avoid all obscene words, and that's one of the worst.

    Suzanne - I swear I have seen something called 'Franimals' before - a kids' book or something. So I think it's been taken.

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  14. Currently we have more blackbirds here than ducks...!

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  15. I've just found you from Rachel (Slow Lane Life) and had to read a bit because I too am a short brunette (well, maybe more grey now, to be honest) English teacher. And you're a hoot. But I must go to bed now. Will return.

    By the way, have you read K Atkinson's "Emotionally Weird", I wonder? It's so wonderful - even better than "Behind.. Museum", in my opinion. Having read it, I now feel that it's not really worth anyone writing any more novels. She's made the whole process seem a bit daft. Which I suppose it is.

    Still better go to bed.

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  16. Isabelle - okay, okay, I'll admit to the grey, too. I can tell you're going to be one of those people who makes me confess to stuff. No, I haven't read 'Emotionally Weird'. But I will now, although from what you say it may make me give up on ever having a novel published. Still, that won't be a first.

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  17. The Duck of the Baskervilles - I'd read it AND eat it!

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  18. BEOSLUG! Love it! I'd read that tale. Sounds just as horrific - slugs are hideous!

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  19. Moptop - I'm all for multi-purpose.

    Talli - I agree about slugs. What's the point? My older kids put my younger kid off mushrooms by telling her they were like slugs. Worked a treat.

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  20. Beehives revisted. A giant bee and his teddy return to the grand hive of his beebeehood. The bee has catholic tastes but still can't find enough nectar to make honey. He dies. Teddy lives on.

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  21. Elizabeth - beebeehood is just inspired, inspired. Brilliant.

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  22. northernknickerwoman17/5/10 12:19

    Found you !

    Not a debtor or a crazed stalker,though I can turn my hand to most things if the occasion arises.

    Lifes too short for Beowolf but Beoslug thats got slime written all over it !

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  23. Hey, NKW! Being found by you has brightened up my evening considerably! I'm a bit disappointed that you're not a crazed stalker - it's always nice to know someone's at least interested.

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