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Wednesday, 5 May 2010

Reasons to get a good dictionary if you want to set the literary world on fire

Welcome to the world of homophone literature.  A homophone is a word which sounds the same as another word but which is spelled differently, like 'bear' and 'bare'. 


So, homophone literature is what could have happened had some famous authors (or their editors) had spelling problems.  We might have had ...

Grate Expectations … in which a young, orphaned boy visits an old lady still dressed in her wedding clothes who makes him clean out her fireplace and, because he doesn’t do it properly, forces him to re-do it many times until he gets it perfect.  The novel ends with him hand in hand with a young lady called Estella, although she is hesitant because of his blackened fingernails and grimy palms, forcing a somewhat ambiguous ending.

Around the World in Eighty Daze … in which an octogenarian, confused and reeling from the fact that he has reached such an advanced age, embarks on a world tour, spurred on by a wager from his gentleman’s club.  He does complete the journey, but being in such a vacant and puzzled state, notices hardly anything and comes back with his wrinkles tanned but little else of interest.

Mole Flanders … in which a flighty young nocturnal mammal packs into her small life twelve years as a whore, five husbands (one her own brother) and twelve years as a petty thief.  She draws attention to herself because of this, not least because she can’t see a thing and has therefore done well.  She is eventually sentenced to transportation to Virginia where she picks up an unusual accent for a mole and dies repentant, albeit confused, and with a reputation for sleeping in the daytime.

Scents and Sensibility – in which two young ladies, both wearing dresses hard to sit down in, are shown to be of opposite character, one being obsessed with different smells, and the other being a serious type, although capable of hidden passions.  Trouble begins when the aromaholic meets a man of dubious character who promises her a whole perfumery of her own if she runs away with him, even though there is a perfectly decent old codger willing to have her who knows that the perfumery thing is just a way to get her pregnant.  The old codger gets her eventually, although he does find the continual sniffing noises unbearable.

The Picture of Dorian: Grey – in which a handsome young Victorian gets his portrait painted – a colourful, vibrant picture of himself which he values highly and puts up on his wall.  He decides to hire a painter to decorate the room’s walls in White with a Hint of Gentle Dove so that the painting is shown off to best effect.  However, what he doesn’t realise is that the painter currently suffers from a weeping eye condition.  Thus, while painting the walls, he doesn’t notice the picture and paints straight over it.  Dorian is horrified, when he sees this, but it is all made much worse when he catches sight of himself in a mirror and notes that he now looks like John Major.  

35 comments:

  1. LOL!! You are so funny! The last one is my favorite!

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  2. Mole Flounders - in which a mole makes clumsy attempts at a life of petty thief-dom (translating it as pretty fiefdom which involves a lot of tartan thrills and fur-belows).

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  3. Your brain is a marvel. It must be so much fun to be you! But as much as I enjoyed this post and all the others, my favorites are the Tunby stories. And I want more of them. I believe what I am wanting is an entire book, with illustrations.

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  4. What about Jane Air - a gritty tale about a lady governess with large breasts who falls for landed gentry

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  5. I meant Tenby, not Tunby. Dammit.

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  6. Brilliant. I love these.

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  7. If ever I needed to start the day with a good chuckle, it's today, when we're expected to place our futures in the hands of one of the 'three stooges'.

    Thanks for the hilarious pre-voting post.

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  8. Love it. Have you ever read Nicholas Nickel Bee in which a mad young man creates a robotic monster insect out of base metal whilst at a school owned by a somewhat dubious sounding gay headmaster.

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  9. I'm sure Mole Flanders appears in the adult version of Wind In The Willows and gives all the animals of the riverbank a jolly good seeing to.

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  10. Sigh. I've only just weaned myself off of substituting key words in titles with 'bogey' after Fungus the Bogeyman ('Ann of Green Bogeys', 'Lady Chatterley's Bogey', A Bogey Riding By') now I have to play this game - 'Mare of Casterbridge' - sleepy Dorset town wakes up to post-election hell. 'Death of a Sails Man' yachting tragedy. 'Frenchman's Creak', well... Okay will stop, but this is the monster you have created with your vair, funny post.

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  11. Hahaha. I love these! Thank you for the nice diversion. :)

    Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hide

    Dr Henry Jekyll has written a will transfering all his property to a Mr Hide, who no one can find. Strange deaths are laid at Mr Hide's door (or they would, if they knew where it was) and so people accuse Dr Jekyll anyway. He goes mad trying to find whether Mr Hide really exists and decides to kill himself, leaving an enigmatic note saying 'the pixies made me do it'. London is baffled.

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  12. Oh I get this kinda stuff wrong all the time... I'm 32 and my Gran still EMAILS me to tell me about my mistakes...

    You have to read in Scottish

    "och hen, I dunny ken what happened to ya, I think ya left ye brains in the school"

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  13. I am not sure but do these titles remind me of something?
    Books, possibly?

    If not, it's time you wrote them.
    How about 'The old Curiosity Ship', 'Hoard Times' and 'The Pickwick Capers'? Ah, the latter has already been written, hasn't it?

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  14. Fran, I am disappointed in you. You don't know 'can belto'? Or was that 'bel canto'.

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  15. Hilarious! Mole Flanders, indeed. And then there's Cats-22. The story of a dotty hoarder of felines and the misadventures of her furry friends which eventually lead to her being consigned to a loony bin ruled by Nurse Cratchit -- who only wants to be off to spend Christmas Day with her family.

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  16. Haha - very funny:) I tried to come up with some more names, but I'm not as smart as you:)

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  17. Karen G - I like that last one, too, though I wondered whether our friends from overseas might go, 'John Major! John Major! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ... Who the hell is John Major?'

    Moptop - you are a scream.

    Sharon - shame. I rather liked the idea of Tunby. It has a ring to it.

    Annie - Damn! I should have thought of Jane Air.

    J J Beattie - glad you liked them. I enjoyed writing them.

    Martin - glad to oblige. Did you have Me with toast and marmalade?

    Alan - love Nicholas Nickel Bee! What a great idea.

    Steve - I do hope you mean a telling-off.

    Chris - oh, do tell more about the Frenchman's Creak. Love your ideas. You're sharp.

    Jayne - 'The pixies made me do it' is just the best line to finish off a Victorian potboiler.

    Eternally Distracted - I think that's the first bit of Scottish dialect I've had on the blog. I love your gran.

    Friko - From what you say on your blog, you have more time than me for writing all these titles up. Get to it.

    Vicki - Cats 22 sounds a good one. Maybe there's a missing apostrophe (I'm into those big-time) and it's really Cat's 22 about a very old feline for whom the owners hold a birthday party only to have her choke on the cake and die on her birthday, like Shakespeare.

    Alexandra - go on. You know you want to try.

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  18. Dear Miss Meoy,
    I had to come by even though my chin is dragging on the floor from jetlag. You were just the thing to end my days. Er, day.
    You are hilarious.

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  19. Hehe! Mole Flanders - now there's a book I'd read! Thanks for the laugh.

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  20. Deborah - I hope your chin has made its way back up. love Meoy X

    Talli - When I've written it, you can burrow a copy. Ho ho.

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  21. You are too funny -- which means you're exactly the right amount of funny, Roland

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  22. Roland D - Funny? Funny? These are deadly serious suggestions for blockbuster novels.

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  23. Oh no, not John Major. Poor Dorian.

    XX

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  24. I can only suggest not quite a homophone...Captain Corelli's Pangolin...
    (sorry)

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  25. Suzanne - I know, I know. What a fall from a great height THAT is!

    Jackie - I had to look up pangolin! Are there any on Greek islands?

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  26. I am odd by your genius.

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  27. Dad's suggestion: One Flu Over the Cuckoo's Nest - the birds come out of their eggs and start sneezing.

    Lord of the Wrings: A strangely short man turns out to be the world's best clothes-squeezer, and is set with the task of taking an evil wizard's cloak and drying it without him noticing. In the end he throws it into a lake of boiling lava, cause that should do the trick.

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  28. While I'm at it, there's Maul Flanders, a gruesome tale of a flighty young etc transported to a life in the woods amongst various logging camps.

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  29. Lane - I'm not sure I understand your first comment, although maybe that's the point? But Maul Flanders has a lot of potential for some Hammer Horror picture.

    Hillel - One Flu over the Cuckoo's Nest is a fantastic idea. Give Daddy a kiss for me. And I love your Lord of the Wrings suggestion - you are very good at this! Send more.

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  30. Ah, got you, Lane!

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  31. Hi Fran! I lost your new blog there for a while, but here it is - and here I am!

    How about:
    Lidl Women - the lives and loaves of 4 sisters
    War and Peas - a Birdseye view of Napoleon's invasion of Russia

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  32. Turning into John Major is obviously a widely held secret fear . But imagine turning into Tony Blair !!

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  33. sew funny, maid me smile from 'ere to 'ere! Your hilarious, my deer.I love the weigh you right.

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  34. Broken Biro - don't lose me! I might lose you, and that would be a big loss. I love your funniness. Your suggestions are fantastic. I love them both.

    Smit and Son - nightmare or what?

    sarahayward - thank ewe!

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