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Monday, 21 June 2010

Reasons for clipping your fingernails before having violent dreams


'Yeah, so she gave me a black eye.  Look.  If a lady says, 'You think I should shave more often?' you mean a guy's not allowed to give an honest reply?'



Okay, so I don't look quite as bad as he does, but I'm still walking round looking like a victim of a mugging with a purple and yellow bruise above my left eye.  In fact, for the first time in my life, I wish I had been the victim of a mugging, as it is less embarrassing to admit this than to admit that you poked yourself in the eyelid with a sharp fingernail in the night.

When I say I poked myself in the eyelid 'with a sharp fingernail', I ought to make it clear that the fingernail was attached to my finger at the time.  I don't want you getting the idea that I keep a little store of sharp fingernails on my bedside table at night (like others keep guns, or kitchen knives) in case of intruders.  Imagine.  'Give me back my jewellery, you varmint, or I'll dig this three-inch shard of keratin into your forehead.'

I think I must have been dreaming, though, perhaps another of those Clooney dreams which make me sit up suddenly at three o'clock in the morning, convinced that I'M MARRIED TO GEORGE CLOONEY, I REALLY, REALLY AM and then notice that little bald head beside me sticking out from under the covers and realise it's not true.

You may well think, oh, does she mean she woke up, realised she was sans-Clooney, noticed the bald head, and THEN poked herself in the eye with a fingernail?  Like some kind of tortured, disillusioned self-harm?

Well, I guess that would be a totally reasonable response, but, no.  It wasn't that.

You may well think, oh, does she mean she woke up, realised she was sans-Clooney, knew that if she was going to send Clooney a picture of herself she would need to make him feel sorry for her before he would take her on, so she poked herself in the eye with a fingernail to make herself look like a needy victim?

Well, that would be reasonable, too, but, no.

You may well think, oh, does she mean she heard somewhere that one thing which Clooney found particularly attractive in a woman was the combination of greying hair, thighs the size of two small continents and a nice little multi-coloured bruise below one eyebrow, so she poked herself in the eye with a fingernail to help complete her transformation into Clooney's dream girl?

Sigh.  If only.  But, no.

What happened was that I woke up suddenly, and didn't seem to have control of my left arm, because it shot up towards my eye at great speed and that's when I stabbed myself with the fingernail.

And the only thing I can think of is that, while dreaming, I must've thought I was fighting off some of those bloggy rivals of mine who are always leaving me messages to say how they've met Clooney/holidayed with Clooney/married Clooney.  I think I was just about to land one of them a mighty punch when I woke up and punched myself instead.

Only it wasn't a punch as I had my fingers outstretched (maybe I was just imitating starfish in my sleep, but that's not half as romantic).  Ergo, nail injury.  Ergo, bruise.

And, ergo, odd looks from everyone I meet.

Oh well.  No change there, then.

31 comments:

  1. Hellooo, just popping in to say that I met George Clooney on my holiday where we decided to get married. He wanted to invite you, but I wasn't sure your black eye would go with our pink & white theme (pink is the new black, you know. You should have considered a pink eye).

    On a more serious note, this was (seriously) hilarious. (See how serious I can be when I put my mind to it? I intended to write something intelligent and eloquent, but then my eye strayed to the right and I realized you call F Scott Fitzgerald "Fuzzy"...) You have (seriously) reduced me to tears (of the laughing kind, so we're good). I shall be back! (And in the future most likely Sans Clooney as well)

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  2. Brilliant, Has someone emailed this to George Clooney? Well, they should......
    You never know, you might be his dream girl, we havent heard otherwise. And he has Irish blood, so he'd like a woman with a bit of personality and emm...bruised yes....ahem...well, you can hope.

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  3. Cruella - now I know why you are called Cruella. How can you taunt me with Clooney lies so soon after my obvious torment?

    Brigid - I love your kind comment that I might be his dream girl because 'we haven't heard otherwise'. Are you in one of the caring professions? You should be!

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  4. I'm thinking it might be preferable to remain an insomniac if that's what being asleep does to you.

    Shall I send George over the next time he pops in to shmooze on the sofa?

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  5. There's nothing wrong with greying hair. Mr C has this too, after all, and people are said to be attracted to those who remind them of themselves. Which doesn't quite explain why I, 5'3 with brown hair and eyes, married someone of 6'2 with black hair and blue eyes but hey, it's a theory. And GC may have strong thighs too; I haven't checked. There's still hope.

    (My husband has quite meaty thighs and mine are ... well, we won't go into that.)

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  6. I'm surprised you didn't give the bald head some bruises...

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  7. "then notice that little bald head beside me sticking out from under the covers and"

    Hahahahahahahha! You don't get to hate me. I don't have a George Clooney story nor a siting. One good thing - you got a good story of a black eye.

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  8. Well, at least you got to dream about Clooney. Better than a poke in the eye with a blunt fingernail. Well, you know what I mean.

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  9. Mwahahahahaha! Oh, yes, I am EVIL!!! (But inside me there lives a tiny girl who just wants to say sorry...)

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  10. Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!

    The only solution I can think of (aside from keeping your fingernails trimmed) is to wear boxing gloves to bed.

    Er, no... scrub that idea!

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  11. SusanFrances22/6/10 01:04

    My husband met Clooney and Brad Pitt on a golf course near Menaggio on Lake Como...though he didn't know it at the time! ( we don't really do films!) His ball went somewhat off course and he had to go down and apologise to the 4 men playing on the nearby green. who were nearly hit . We knew that George was at his villa on the lake at the time and husband said later that they were all American. We joked that it might have been Pitt and Clooney, and it wasn't until mooching round the airport in Milan on the way home that he saw a photo of Pitt on a magazine, and said...that's who I was talking to on the golf course!!

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  12. The title said it all, then I had to read to see if it really really happened like that! So funny!!

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  13. Here in Kentucky we have a lot of Clooney sightings but I have never had one..feel better?

    I think it was your eye that ran into your uncontrollable arm trying to see what was wrong.

    Good post.

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  14. Friko - yes, do send him round to me. He will obviously have got the wrong address if he turns up at yours.

    Isabelle - yes, but grey hair on a man often looks so GOOD. It's so UNFAIR. How do they do that?

    J J - yeah, but that's the problem. Bruises show up on the bald guys. I have to thump him where it won't show.

    Midlife J - go and get a Clooney story immediately. Every girl should have one.

    Martin - if it happens again tonight, that's exactly what I'll get, now I've cut them.

    Steve - boxing gloves in bed? Do they do pink Betty Boop ones to match my pyjamas? (And I wonder why Clooney keeps his distance?)

    SusanFrances - does your husband have a handkerchief with some Clooney aura on it he can send me?

    KarenG - glad you enjoyed my story of pain and suffering!

    Jules - Yes, I feel lots better. How much are houses in Kentucky? Do they need teachers?

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  15. I can totally see how that could happen - could have been disastrous. I read once that the most common scenario in emergency rooms is a wound to the eye from a household accident. I often think about that when I'm puttering around. Hope you're better!

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  16. Now, come on, everyone - isn't Mark a nice chap? Look at that lovely sympathetic comment of his. No mention of how many times he's seen Clooney/let Clooney sleep on his sofa/met Clooney golfing ... just a kind comment about my health and a real sense of compassion.

    Just thought I'd point it out ....

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  17. A black eye that DOESN'T involve George Clooney is bad luck indeed. Hope it's fading (the black eye and the disappointment.)

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  18. .....I've trimmed George Clooney's toenails with my teeth and I keep them (George's parts not my teeth) in a pearl inlaid box in my drawers. From time to time I take one out and poke myself in the eye with it.
    Anna May x

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  19. Dear Lord, Fran. Sometimes I really worry about you! First this unhealthy obsession with Tenby, then your public transport issues, now a finger in the eye...

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  20. This is irrelevant to your post, but I read this right after reading your blog for the first time and thought you might find it interesting if not exactly earth-shatteringly surprising: http://www.salon.com/books/laura_miller/2010/06/22/slush

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  21. SmitandSon - the level of your cruelty leaves me speechless.

    Karen - the black eye has faded more quickly than the disappointment. But, then, I am holding on to the disappointment.

    Anna May - 'I trimmed Clooney's toenails with my teeth' sounds like a Sun newspaper headline. It's the alliteration that does it.

    Talli - no need to worry about me. All the damage is done and can get no worse.

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  22. Hi Andrea - not sure why you directed me there. Fill me in a bit more on your thinking? There are a few things you could be thinking, including a) your blog is slush and b) your blog is not slush or a) I bet any book you write will be slush or b) I bet any book you write won't be slush.

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  23. I say, Cruella is rather aptly named.

    As for Mark's comment, you are the last person who should be pointing things out.
    Just sayin'.

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  24. Sorry about being vague. I was reading your sidebar (About Me) and your blog and thinking b) I bet any book you write won't be slush. I also sent it because of the changing face of publishing and wondering how that would apply to someone like you.

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  25. Andrea - that's kind of you, thanks! I'm glad to know it was option b! Yes, I've been thinking about this publishing lark for a while and whether to try e-publishing or something equally and totally beyond my capabilities ...!

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  26. I do keep a little store of sharp fingernails on my bedside table at night. So much more economical than Denta-Picks, don't you know.

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  27. Wow that is pretty impressive. Por you though. I hope your poorly eye is feeling better. And I am confused by the GC reference. Clearly I have catching up to do.

    Kate xx

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  28. June - that is an outrageously disgusting but very funny suggestion.

    Kate - Yes, GC references crop up fairly frequently in these parts. You will soon get sick of them if you stick around.

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  29. I think George would be so impressed to hear this story that he will declare his undying love for you, kick baldies ass Hollywood stylee and then you will live happily ever after - short nails an' all...

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  30. Eternally D - ah, yes, that's all very well. But HOW is George to hear this story? 'Hey, Clooney-boy, it's your agent here. I have someone here who says she wants to tell you a story about long fingernails. Will you take the call?'

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