Evidence that I can only cope with easy questions like 'Would you like some chocolate right now?'
1. God gives you a free ticket to spend the night with absolutely anybody in the world and the entirety of history – whom do you choose?
Someone who knows how to use who and whom proper like what you do.
2. Frankie Howard or Frankie Boyle? (This is a separate question and is not related to no. 1 above.)
I don't know who Frankie Boyle is. I'm not good on culture. Comedian? Actor? Street cleaner? Whoever he is, as I don't know him, I'll go for Frankie Howard. Although, as he's dead, this could be a tedious meeting - I'll bring a book.
3. What life skill or ability do you wish you possessed?
Not laughing at serious moments like funerals or announcements of tragedies. It doesn't go down well with the rellies.
4. If it takes Johnny three hours to fill a bath with water using a colander and a train travelling at 90mph takes 2 hours to reach it’s destination why does Britain no longer have the right to call itself Great?
If it takes Fran three hours to work out what the hell this question is about and the answer to that question takes for ever to reach her brain, how is she ever meant to get to bed?
5. Have you ever genuinely wished to be a member of the opposite sex (or are you that already)?
Steve, you are a man. I am a woman. That means I am a member of the opposite sex.
6. Do you have any embarrassingly weird interests or hobbies – and if so please explain in detail?
I pick privet leaves off hedges and make little faces in them with my fingernails. I can't think of one person who would want to read any more detail on that one.
7. Dance, Punk, Goth, Metal, Grunge, Pop, Country, Folk or Classical? The choice is yours.
The choice isn't mine at all. I am force-fed Classic FM and if I hear Pachobel's Canon one more time I will slit my own throat.
8. If you could change anything about your current lifestyle / life situation, what would it be? And what would you keep?
I want to live in a house like the one in 'Brideshead Revisited' and have cocktails at 4 and dress for dinner. However, I would still want to keep having egg and chips for dinner sometimes and this may not go down well with the butler.
9. If you were a packet of crisps what flavour would you be?
If I were a packet of crisps I doubt whether I'd have much say. Do crisps have rights?
10. Describe the sandwich of the gods.
Two slices of white bread with Zeus and Triton in the middle and a good helping of mayo.
Now, anyone who would like to have a go at answering these questions, be my guest. And keep taking the medication. It will work if you stick at it.