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Monday, 30 August 2010

An early pre-emptive letter from Santa

I had this letter from Santa this morning.  We have a long and regular correspondence going back some years. You can read previous letters by looking up 'Santa Writes to Me' posts.  Here is today's letter.  I am still feeling hurt by it.


Lapland
August 2010


Dear Fran

You usually write to me with your requirements at the end of August, no matter how many times I have asked you to leave your letter until at least November.  This year, I thought I would anticipate your letter and clear up a few matters which are still hanging over from last year.  May I point out the following?....

1. Elves have limits.  They have to distribute their energies equally in sorting out the hundreds of thousands of requests we receive each year for presents.  This means that we cannot accept lists like yours from last year which run to fourteen pages of A4 paper.  These fourteen pages did not even include the pages from the IKEA catalogue, the NEXT catalogue and the six copies of Homes and Gardens magazine you provided so that we supplied exactly the right items.  (I am sure you had forgotten that there was an article in one of the Homes and Gardens issues in which there were pictures of a Santa and some elves - you had drawn moustaches, glasses and enormous ears on each of the elves, and this caused some upset amongst my workers.)

2. May I remind you that I am a provider of gifts and Christmas cheer, not an agent for film stars.  However many times you request meetings with Johnny Depp or George Clooney or James McEvoy, it is not in my power to arrange this. Enclosing a photograph of yourself in a bikini is going to do no good at all, especially as you even admit that the bikini is one you had at school and is therefore no longer an adequate container for your good self.  If I were ever able to arrange a Clooney or Depp or McEvoy meeting, I would advise ladies of your maturity and ... er ... strong features .... to send a photograph of yourself in as many layers as possible and perhaps an oversized fur hat and sunglasses.  The more blurred the photograph, the better, perhaps.  Maybe this is the time to mention that when I get a request list from any film star, they normally ask for houses in Hollywood and expensive jewels, not rendezvous with middle-aged ladies from England who look as though they have been at the pies.

3. Finally, you always, always request books which I do not have in stock.  I thought I would let you know, before you ask, that I do not now stock, have never stocked, and never will stock the following non-fiction titles:

Keep Fit While Supine


The No-Cal Tuna Mayo Baguette


Wear Striped Winter Pyjamas with Elegance


Eat Cake Hourly Without Guilt


How to Keep your Husband Happy While Shopping


Ironing with a Smile


Cutting your Toenails without Needing your Inhaler

The following autobiographies which you continually request also have never been, and never will be available:

Plump, Middle-aged and Saggy: My Ideal Woman - Johnny Depp


Plump, Middle-aged and Saggy: My Ideal Woman - George Clooney


Plump, Middle-aged and Saggy: My Ideal Woman - James McEvoy

I hope you do not mind my writing to you so early in the year just to clear up these few issues.  It was in fact something advised by my therapist, whom I have been seeing regularly since ... oh, I think ... ever since you first wrote to me.

My best wishes

Santa Claus

33 comments:

  1. Let's hope Santa has no time (or internet connection) to read your blog, Fran, or there'll be even sterner letters.

    I wouldn't mind a copy of Wear Striped Winter Pyjamas with Elegance, myself.

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  2. Well, at least he writes to you.

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  3. Woo hoo! James McEvoy ... you are a woman after my own heart. Keep bugging Santa - one day he might deliver. And if he does, can I come and visit?! *wink*

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  4. Oh I could do with some of those books lol, "eat cake without guilt" and "Middle-aged and Saggy: My ideal woman - george clooney sound good.

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  5. Does Santa have a FB account?

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  6. Geez, I agree - hope Santa doesnt read your blog. Mrs Claus does seem like the internet addict type though.

    Enough about the elves. I am asking Santa for Jon Hamm...

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  7. Well I was about to write an early letter to Santa but now I won't bother. I don't want to be in his bad books like you. I think I'll go for a safer option and ask for the new Ruth Rendell or maybe Penelope Lively will have a new book, I love her writing.
    Be good Fran or you might receive more striped pyjamas for Christmas.

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  8. Extremely funny. Is it a true story?

    Have a nice day, Boonie

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  9. Stan - if I ever find that book, I'll buy two and send you one. But I have little hope ...

    Martin - he didn't used to. Subsequent events seem to have convinced him that he must.

    Annie - you can come and visit when McEvoy arrives, but only if you promise to look frumpier than me. Your profile picture does not fill me with hope for this.

    Eliza - unfortunately, no one seems to be writing these books. I can't get them anywhere. Maybe I should start writing them myself.

    Von - Santa doesn't look to me like someone who is technosavvy. He still does the chimney thing, for goodness sake.

    Brahm - Santa has no time to read my blog. My letters keep him occupied too long.

    Linens - Have you read Lively's 'Family Album' yet? Recommended on my review list.

    Boonie - everything on this blog is true, I swear.

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  10. Count yourself lucky. When Santa writes to me he always used insufficient postage and I have to pay a (small) fortune to get the letter from the PO. He's also a bit of a prude: I asked him to take a photo of Keeley Hawes next time he pops down her chimney but he refused... something about right to privacy and ethics... yeah right, from the guy who employs elves as slave labour!

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  11. Santa is evil! I'd buy all those books he listed! He never gave me what I wanted when I was younger either - a unicorn and a leopard isn't that much to ask for, is it?

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  12. He writes letters to you? I had an e-mail from him telling me I had to follow his twitter posts in future.

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  13. I'm sure James would be all too pleased to meet you, if you could spell his name. It's McAvoy.

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  14. Steve - seems to me you and I send him similar kinds of requests. No wonder he makes his home in Lapland, as far away from us as possible.

    Alexandra Crocodile - So, YOU asked for a unicorn and leopard, too? And I bet we're not the only ones. There must be millions of us still feeling that old disappointment.

    Alan - Santa tweets? I wonder if his reindeers were his first followers.

    The Japanese Student - only one's own flesh and blood could be quite that harsh.

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  15. Fran, can we really trust a man in a red suit about what 'hollywood stars' request for Christmas,
    for all we know George Clooney etc. may indeed request a 'rendezvous with middle-aged ladies from England who look as though they have been at the pies' or Irish women for that matter.
    I never got what I asked for either, Angelas ashes mood coming over me, one year I got one skate, my sister got the other one..hmm. enough said.

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  16. cutting your toenails without using your inhaler.
    Now there's a book I could do with; why is really useful advice never available?
    I also need to remind you that we have plenty of homegrown talent you could be asking for, and might stand a better chance getting, like the previous two Drs. Who and the absolutely dishy Sherlock Holmes.

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  17. Ha!! Oh, you slay me. I swear, every time I visit here I choke on whatever is in my mouth. I need to remember not to be eating or drinking anything when I expect to arrive here.

    How dare Santa insult your 'strong features'!

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  18. Wonderful post!

    I DID get a book I asked for once: All About Helium. I couldn't put it down! 8)

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  19. Brigid - I hope you are writing up your memoir. I want to read it.

    Friko - sorry about my non-patriotic approach. I will try to do better. Jeremy Clarkson ... okay, maybe not.

    Lola - I know I shouldn't find it gratifying that I make you choke, but I do.

    Brokenbiro - I was given that one too but I found the writer had an inflated sense of his own importance.

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  20. Brill!!
    (But then your posts always are).

    When/if you next write to him, please ask him how he can bear to wear all that winter clothing when he visits the Southern Hemisphere. Shouldn't he don beach-wear?

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  21. Hahahahahaha! Most fun. What would Santa do without you?

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  22. Aw! What lady doesn't want a little bit of Johnny Depp in her stocking? Surely Santa can do that. He's just being stingy.

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  23. Val - if Santa comes down my chimney in a pair of Speedos, I shall top myself.

    Midlife Jobhunter - it's me that keeps him on top of his job, I'm telling you.

    Talli - stingy, and perhaps having to bear in mind the millions of requests for Depp he gets every year ...

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  24. George Clooney ( not getting any younger , you know ) LOVES ladies in flanellette .

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  25. I heard on the radio this morning that George C frequently visits the old ladies in his local nursing home so clearly he has a thing about the more mature woman. I'm on the waiting list for a place and I'm older and plumper than you so get in line..

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  26. SmitandSon - I will order some immediately from the Damart catalogue.

    Invisible Woman - Queue for Clooney. Sounds like a great concept! I will obey - you sound scary.

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  27. Santa in speedos - shudders! thankfully he wears boardies - red ones of course and a hanky on his head ... so attractive!

    My son informed me years ago he ALWAYS comes to Sydney after Christmas for his holidays - I will look out for him next year and put in a good word for you :) - although I think I need a copy of 'Cutting your Toenails without Needing your Inhaler' as well!! The elegance in striped PJ's I am already achieved .. angelic smile .... snigger

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  28. Shirley - so YOU should write the book about the pyjamas then! You have obviously discovered a secret about which the rest of us need to know!

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  29. Do you think he could get me "How to Mark While Asleep", "Make Your Own Grandchildren" or "Teaching Your Cat To Hoover"?

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  30. That Santa is all heart - NOT.

    I am going to write to the Federation of Elves on your behalf and instigate a revolution.

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  31. Both your post and the comments had me chuckling all the way. Thanks for that :-)

    I will go forth and Google James McAvoy (or whatever his name is). All the other gorgeous guys (including Santa, should he read this) mentioned here I know, but I haven't a clue who James is.

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  32. Wow, a letter from Santa. I still believe too.

    Ps - You're a very clever lady.

    xx

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  33. Isabelle - your suggestions for new books made me laugh. 'How to Mark While Asleep' would sell MILLIONS.

    Moptop - the Federation Of Elves ... acronym FOE ... be careful - I think they may be on Santa's side.

    Caroline - you must get to know who James McEvoy is RIGHT NOW. You are just not living.

    Bluestocking - what is this 'still believe'? Is there some doubt? Is there something I've not been told?.....

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