An early pre-emptive letter from Santa
You usually write to me with your requirements at the end of August, no matter how many times I have asked you to leave your letter until at least November. This year, I thought I would anticipate your letter and clear up a few matters which are still hanging over from last year. May I point out the following?....
1. Elves have limits. They have to distribute their energies equally in sorting out the hundreds of thousands of requests we receive each year for presents. This means that we cannot accept lists like yours from last year which run to fourteen pages of A4 paper. These fourteen pages did not even include the pages from the IKEA catalogue, the NEXT catalogue and the six copies of Homes and Gardens magazine you provided so that we supplied exactly the right items. (I am sure you had forgotten that there was an article in one of the Homes and Gardens issues in which there were pictures of a Santa and some elves - you had drawn moustaches, glasses and enormous ears on each of the elves, and this caused some upset amongst my workers.)
2. May I remind you that I am a provider of gifts and Christmas cheer, not an agent for film stars. However many times you request meetings with Johnny Depp or George Clooney or James McEvoy, it is not in my power to arrange this. Enclosing a photograph of yourself in a bikini is going to do no good at all, especially as you even admit that the bikini is one you had at school and is therefore no longer an adequate container for your good self. If I were ever able to arrange a Clooney or Depp or McEvoy meeting, I would advise ladies of your maturity and ... er ... strong features .... to send a photograph of yourself in as many layers as possible and perhaps an oversized fur hat and sunglasses. The more blurred the photograph, the better, perhaps. Maybe this is the time to mention that when I get a request list from any film star, they normally ask for houses in Hollywood and expensive jewels, not rendezvous with middle-aged ladies from England who look as though they have been at the pies.
3. Finally, you always, always request books which I do not have in stock. I thought I would let you know, before you ask, that I do not now stock, have never stocked, and never will stock the following non-fiction titles:
Keep Fit While Supine
The No-Cal Tuna Mayo Baguette
Wear Striped Winter Pyjamas with Elegance
Eat Cake Hourly Without Guilt
How to Keep your Husband Happy While Shopping
Ironing with a Smile
Cutting your Toenails without Needing your Inhaler
The following autobiographies which you continually request also have never been, and never will be available:
Plump, Middle-aged and Saggy: My Ideal Woman - Johnny Depp
Plump, Middle-aged and Saggy: My Ideal Woman - George Clooney
Plump, Middle-aged and Saggy: My Ideal Woman - James McEvoy
I hope you do not mind my writing to you so early in the year just to clear up these few issues. It was in fact something advised by my therapist, whom I have been seeing regularly since ... oh, I think ... ever since you first wrote to me.
My best wishes