Evidence that, should you lose a family pet, I may be of little use to you

So, I was wandering down the road last week, and a woman rushed up to me, put her hand on my arm and said, 'Have you seen a white rabbit running around?'

No lie, people.  I, and the world of Alice in Wonderland, had just collided, and I was in my own version of a surreal fantasy experience, the like of which I could never have imagined, especially as my name is Fran and I live in the West Midlands in England and don't know the location of the nearest rabbit hole.

What ripping fun!  Time to play!

So, what to do next?  The woman still has  her hand on my arm - (Note:  I have switched into am switching into present tense to increase the tension in my story) - and is urging me with panicked eyes to bring her news of the White Rabbit.  She and I are locked into this world of vividness and colour and creativity together.  She gazes at me imploringly - she wants me to make up the next bit of the tale, obviously.

Oh.  My.  Word.  I. Am. So. Excited.

'No, I haven't,' I say to her, all breathy with asthma and joy, 'No, but I just passed a Queen wearing ridiculous clothes and far too much blue eyeshadow and carrying a pig?  Is that any help?'

The moment Helena Bonham-Carter realised that playing the part of the Queen of Hearts in a Tim Burton film
 was bound to place some odd demands on one

The woman looking for the White Rabbit looks puzzled.  'Er, no,' she says.  'I'm just looking for a White Rabbit.  It's running around here somewhere.  Have you seen it?'

Brilliant! I think.  She's still playing along.  She wants more!  How spiffing it is when you meet a soulmate like this, who doesn't mind standing in the street and just BASKING in the world of the imagination.  I wanted to hug her, but I hung back.  One doesn't like to disconcert people.

'No, I haven't seen the White Rabbit,' I say, 'but I HAVE seen a strange man whose hair has been electrocuted and who's obviously read that article in Vogue that says having the price tag 'accidentally' displayed on your new hat will impress your friends ... '

The moment that Johnny Depp realised that having applied white under-eye-bag concealer that morning had been a hell of a waste of time

It is at this point that the woman's grip on my arm loosens.  Ah, I think.  She is having to concentrate hard on her contribution to the story, which surely will come at any moment.  No.  There is a long silence, and she looks at me carefully.  'I. Am. Looking. For. My. White. Rabbit.' she says.  'Have. You. Seen. It.?'

Fantastic!  She has introduced a new aspect to our story-telling game, called 'Let's. Talk. Staccato.'  SO apt and SO creative, for a story-game involving tension and high passion and drama!

'No.'  I say, grinning as WIDELY as possible and giving her a knowing Okay-I'll-play-it-your-way look.  'But. I. Have. Seen. Another. Very. Strange. Thing. And. The. Clue. Is. In. My. Smile.'........

Here's a picture of what I am trying to get her to guess, because, to be honest, she is being pretty damn slow in responding at this point.

NB: If your cat ever smiles like this, either it has done something very very wicked, or it has been far too ambitious in its fishing, has a shark's bone stuck behind its teeth, and is not long for this world

It is at this moment that the woman takes out her mobile phone, dials a number and asks for the police.  Strange, I think.  Fancy ringing the police, just because you can't find a White Rabbit.  And then she turns and runs in the opposite direction.

I shout after her.  'Well, that was a FINE moment to ruin our game!  Just as we were beginning to enjoy ourselves!'  And I turn and make my way home, a disappointed woman.


On the way back, I do see a white rabbit, hopping along.  My spirits lift.  Any minute now, I'm sure I'm going to hear it say, 'I'm late!  I'm late!' and the fun can start all over again.  


But it's saying nothing.  How maddening!  It's just a bog-standard rabbit, all fluff and ears but no excitement at all.  So, I lean down, and I say to it, 'Rabbit.  I think I know someone who's looking for you.  She's dead boring, and no fun at all, and boy, do you suit each other.  I hope you find each other again and live TEDIOUSLY ever after.'    

Some people, and animals, need to liven up a little.

PS  The first paragraph of this post is true.


PPS  Well, I made up the bit about her putting her hand on my arm.


PPPS  And she wasn't exactly rushing.