WHAT YOU'LL FIND ON THIS BLOG

Monday, 27 September 2010

Reasons to stick with shaggy hair, long toenails, bad teeth, strange growths and hairy legs

Why do we pay so much money to people to whom we donate parts of ourselves?  Shouldn't they be paying us?

1. I left a good pile of hair of varied hues at the hairdressers which I know for sure she used to knit a grey/black sweater for herself, or as spare locks for the unfortunately-balding, or to apply to her cat after it had been shaved for an operation just to save it from getting called 'Crop Circle' by the other cats in the street.  I even watched her assistant sweep all my hair up into a corner ready to bag up when I'd left for one of these purposes.  Did she thank me and offer to pay me, considering I was walking out of her shop with less hair and colder ears than I came in with and she was much the better off?  No.  She wanted twenty-five pounds.  That's blind robbery, that is.

'Hm.  She won't notice if I take a couple of extra inches.  Anyway, she's British.
She'll just say, 'Oh yes, it looks lovely, thanks so much' and hand over the cash.'


2. Chiropodists take people's toenails as well as bits of their corns and callouses without so much as a thank you.  They snip and they clip and put it all into little pots without a shred of gratitude.  No doubt they mix all our bits with almond oil and Vaseline to make revolutionary exfoliating creams which they sell to Lancome, and do we get anything out of this?  No.  (Although I do LOVE to think of those Hollywood celebrities rubbing old bits of my heels into their thighs the night before the Oscars.)

Britney knew she should probably check the ingredients of her new exfoliating cream, but it was only when the first two epidermal layers had been removed from her upper arms that she did.  But by then it was too late.  It was going to be long sleeves, and lots of questions asked. 


3. Dentists must make a packet.  Not only do they take out our teeth, which they probably use to make costume jewellery necklaces or sell to Eastern European denture companies, but they also suck out a good litre of saliva with that tubey thing.  And do they show you where that goes?  No, they don't.  Into some container, I bet, only to be re-used as mouth swill with a bit of blue dye added in to make it look new.  I know their tricks.

I just placed a bet with the dentist that I'd get a good three litres of spit out of you.   And I'm winning.


4. I went to hospital last year and donated an ovary and matching cyst which weighed 2 kilos and I paid a lot of taxes to get this treatment.  But did anyone say, 'Thank you, Fran, for your nice big cyst which is now going to be sent to Damien Hurst for his new art exhibition of internal body parts so here's a million pounds, just a small cut of what he'll earn from it?'  No, not a dicky bird.


'Well, you know how it is.  Damien offered us a back-hander, and things in the NHS are tight.
   I prefer a nice Constable with a few hay carts myself, to be honest.'



5. What about when you get waxed? You sacrifice a world cruise so you can pay for a few sessions of waxing, which is basically someone putting you through agony while they pretend not to smile, then what do they do with all those strips which have your hairs clinging to them, eh, eh?  Well, I'll tell you.  Seen those adverts for flytrap sticky strips which you put up in your kitchen in the summer?  Wondered why they only ever seem to have caught the flies' LEGS and not their whole bodies?  Now you know.

If only they'd known they were supporting the fly-catching industry, they'd have seen it all in such a better light.

20 comments:

  1. I'm only glad you stopped there - I wonder how much... erm... 'organic matter' we've all given completely free to United Utilities etc over the years. I think we should start a Movement. *gets coat*

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  2. I knew it was a mistake to read this while eating something .

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  3. Wait...you can get a haircut for only 5 pounds? Remind me to get a haircut next time I'm in the UK.

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  4. See. That's why I refuse to have a vasectomy.

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  5. I feel a bit faint now! Although, intrigued as to know what happened to my tonsils.

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  6. You should be rich I tell you. Rich!

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  7. I do feel slightly nauseous now. Or, to be honest, not 'slightly' ;-)

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  8. brokenbiro - That is outrageous. Yes, fetch that coat, and then just keep walking.

    SmitandSon - I got through a nice Mars Bar while writing it. What's the problem?

    Jemi - what do you mean, kinda? Lotsa, I reckon. Best not to think about it too deeply.

    Jenny - glad you enjoyed it. Eeewgh is such a great word, by the way. It's just right.

    Nana - that's wishful thinking on your part. I said TWENTYfive!

    Steve - don't even GO there.

    Chris - ah, those'll be the tonsils in Tracey Emin's latest installation artwork called 'Bits of Ex-Body Masquerading as Culture'.

    Lane - I should, I should. But I ain't.

    Carolina - I don't get it. Did I say something weird?

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  9. "Into some container, I bet, only to be re-used as mouth swill with a bit of blue dye added in to make it look new."

    Oh, man. That thought makes me sick. I must call and ask my friend, the dental hygientist. Find out the real deal. Fun post. Enjoyed it.

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  10. Thank you for stopping by my blog Fran.

    As for the hair, remember popping into the hair salon in London when I got off the school bus aged thirteen before reaching home. Moi in very long pig-tails down to my bottom complete with ribbons.... I said.... fancy a short hair style please, with no further ado, out with the scissors.

    Mother was not pleased, took one look and said, where is all that gorgeous hair.! surely you have not left it all behind.!

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  11. Ha Ha i liked this. I am off to the hair dressers later - maybe I can try and bargain with them!

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  12. Crop Circle!

    So fake snow on film sets is probably recycled skin flakes. I'll remember that next time I watch a happy Christmas scene and the actor tries to catch a snowflake on his tongue.

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  13. Midlife Jobhunter - ask your friend how they get the froth to settle before re-using it. I want to know.

    Camilla - my, you were an independent 13 year old! Thanks for visiting back, and I'm sure you found that the pictures on my post were a lot less appealing than the pictures on yours!

    LilyS - you just show them, girl. We know what they're up to.

    Jayne - That. Is. Disgusting. I actually shuddered. This is going to ruin Christmas films for ever.

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  14. And what did they do with my gall stones? Eh? Eh?

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  15. Isabelle - You know those shakers kiddies can play in the band ... the ones that sound as though they have rice in them ....

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  16. OMG just spend the best part of £100 at the hairdresser and god knows what they're doing with my excess body parts. Voodoo, I suspect. DIY pedicure from now on...

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  17. Jeez Fran, what are you doing to me? In between laughing my head off at your lunacy, you nearly made me dry gag when you said about the Chiropodists using the 'offcuts' to make exfoliating cream..... bloody hell!

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  18. Imagespast - No, no, don't waste an opportunity. Do your own toenails, sure, but sell them on eeugh-bay.

    Annie - Er .. maybe I should have put some kind of warning. Next time, I'll put, 'Annie, have you only just eaten?'

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