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Monday, 11 October 2010

Evidence that, should you have lost some rainforest recently, you will find it is being distributed along with chocolate muffins in the West Midlands

So, I'm lying there across two chairs in Costa Coffee, covered with a big white piece of paper.

'Madam, why are you lying down in our cafe tucked up underneath the receipt we gave you for your coffee?' says the manager.

'Just mebbe making a point,' says I, 'about the size of the said receipt, and the size of the receipt you gave me last week, and the week before that, and about the fact that each of them has to be the equivalent of a small rainforest or my name's not Pauline Fran.  Tell me, why is that?  Not exactly eco-warriors in here, eh?'

'Well ...'

'In fact, every week, I swear the receipt has got bigger than the week before.  Either that, or I'm shrinking, in which case my bathroom scales have been misleading me and need servicing.'

'Madam, I'm sorry, but I'm afraid we have to close the shop now.  We can't leave you there all night.'

'No problem,' says I.  'Just chuck me that cushion there for a pillow, and I'll be lovely and warm 'til the morning snuggled up underneath this portion of Brazil's economy.  And  if you could just send a couple of your stronger assistants along at around 8 to get this thing off me, I'd be grateful, then I can go to work.  Not sure I can manage it alone.'

'Madam, I really must ask you to move.'

'Did someone speak?  I really can't hear very well from under here.'

'Right.  Have it your way, Madam.  I just need to make a phone call.'







Evidence that the cafe owner had sounded distraught when calling the emergency services

21 comments:

  1. So, proof of purchase really is 'logged' at Costa Coffee?

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  2. Do you know, I've pondered Costa's huge receipts as well since moving to the UK. When they get to A4 size, I'll make a point, Fran-style.

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  3. I know what you mean. i always have bunches of receipts in my purse. I understand why a receipt is useful for something that I may need to return later, but for most consumables...why? Even if I need a receipt for tax purposes, couldn't I just ask for one?

    I have no idea why McDonald's gives me a receipt...not gonna return anything and it sure isn't a business lunch location.

    I loved "not exactly eco-warriors."

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  4. Why do they bother giving receipts? If they are confident that the customers are going to enjoy their coffees and chocolate muffins and therefore not return them (digested or otherwise)then what's the point?

    Not the only ones issuing huge receipts. You've got me worked up now (that's now that I've stopped laughing).

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  5. All those police men = a tonne of paperwork. The South American rainforest has now been all used up. Because of you. Happy?

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  6. Had to laugh in recognition there. Having taken to writing in my local Costa's a couple of mornings a week I was commenting only yesterday on the size of their ginormous receipts.

    I suppose they could double as napkins - failing that I could keep them for writing on when the notepads run out!

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  7. O damn, and I was looking forward to a shot of men in white coats hauling Pauli, I mean Fran, out of there.
    What are you doing in Costa's anyway, isn't there a nice greasy spoon near you?

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  8. Martin - good joke - twigged onto it straight away.

    Alexandra - that won't be long at all.

    Nana - it's stupid, as you say. Why do we need receipts? 'Can I bring my coffee back, please? I wasn't happy with it. Give me a bucket and I'll bring it all back right away.'

    Christine - you sound ready to sign my petition. I'll get working on it right now.

    Steve - Wasn't ME who called the police!!!

    Karen - you could write a whole short story on one of them. In fact, we could start a new trend - chit-lit.

    Friko - There is, but it's not 'nice'.

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  9. I think they should email the receipts to people's phones. Then there would be even more beeping/trilling/ in coffee shops.

    'Chit lit'. That is perfect!

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  10. Those receipts are massive, which, having only received one once before, made me chuckle but I like your point. You should write to the head of the chain - You could fit your point onto the back of one of their receipts!

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  11. I'm with you! Sometimes receipts are SO big - it's really unnecessary! I don't need a receipt, people, but I do need trees!

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  12. I hesitate to be indelicate, Fran, but if you will insist on drinking ten cappuccinos and eating the corresponding number of chocolate muffins, the bill will tend to be rather lengthy...

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  13. Lane - I am considering launching a new career in writing chit-lit, in fact. I think I could knock those out about one a day.

    LilyS - that would be a great idea, complaining on the back of a receipt. I may well do that.

    Talli - sometimes they're so big I have to fold them three hundred and forty four times to get them in my purse. Then my coffee gets cold.

    Isabelle - have you been watching me through the Costa window?

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  14. You definitely have 'grounds' for complaint - especially if it's the same in all their 'branches'. But I'm not surprised they 'sent for The Bill'...
    *laughs at own jokes*

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  15. You're a Madam? I thought you was a teacher!

    Anna May x

    ps: Blog Synchronicity Alert - I blogged about a coffe shop incident this week, too.

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  16. Aww, you got me started. I have got my own businesses, and one of my policies is a paperless office. I.e. No one can write letters, print receipts or do anything with paper. Darn, I won't even allow a printer in the office. It is amazing how many things can be done electronically if you refuse to allow paper in the equation.

    Why can't Costa email your receipt? It's easy technology.

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  17. brokenbiro - *laughs at brokenbiro's jokes too*

    Anna May - I will come and visit your coffee shop story soon when I have got out from under this receipt.

    Annie - your office sounds fascinating. Do you allow toilet paper?

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  18. Yes. [Evil laugh...]

    (This is a reply to your question to me, by the way, not to whatever comment you publish right before this one.)

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  19. I suppose it's gratuitous (not to mention late) to say that you are extremely funny. I just inhaled a bit of my own coffee while reading this.

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  20. Cait - Thank you!

    Sean - I like a bit of coffee-inhaling myself. I'm in therapy for it.

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