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Thursday, 25 November 2010

Evidence that it's not just 3 year olds who ask stupid questions

Things I've thought today.

1. Why is that woman on my morning bus, who is actually reading a very slim book, moving her head, from the neck, side by side, in such an extreme fashion as though each page is a metre wide?  Does she suffer from 'read-the-margins-and-then-check-either-side-of-the-book-for-attackers' syndrome?  She looks like she's watching Wimbledon, not enjoying literature.  What does she look like when reading an encyclopaedia?  If she was reading a book in a language which reads up and down rather than from side to side, would her head eventually loosen at the neck and drop off?  How would other passengers feel as her head rolled down the aisle (perhaps still nodding, like chickens' heads do).

2. Why, while I'm fixing this stamp into the corner of an envelope, do I feel as though I am indulging in a nostalgic country craft of some kind, like building dry stone walls, or hammering horseshoes in a smithy?  I feel like I should be wearing a check shirt, a cap and some very dirty dungarees.  Why does the handwritten address make me feel as though I was born just after Chaucer?  Why does putting the envelope into a postbox make me look round to make sure no one's watching, as though I were indulging in a shameful practice banned since 1969?

3. How come I always see other people out shopping, but never go to the shops myself?  Where do they find the time?  My work jacket looks fine on the outside, but is disintegrating rapidly on the inside so that bits of the lining keep dropping off if I move too fast.  It's embarrassing when someone runs up behind you and says, 'Excuse me, Miss, I think you just dropped something' only to find it's a scrap of grey nylon which has escaped from your attire.  So, how long is it going to be before the jacket falls to pieces in front of a class and drops off me like a snakeskin?  Would this be the moment to whistle stripper music and pretend it was all planned? Will this, or will it not, detract somewhat from studying paragraph structures?

4. Why, when I peer into a pub window on the way home to see if it has a log fire and would be a suitable venue for sitting and marking, is there always a leery old man looking directly out at me and mouthing the words, 'Come in, darlin'.  So, you're not exactly Claudia Schiffer, but I'll buy you a pint and we'll see what happens next.  My last wife was just as much of a minger, and she did me for 24 years.'

5.  Why, the day I decide to take, not the main road, but a short cut through an alleyway in a wooded area and up some steps in a leafy bank, is that the day it's not lit, but as dark as Hitchcock?  How come I've eaten so many carrots lately and yet am having to feel my way along this pitch-black alleyway inch by inch, hoping that soft stuff I'm stepping in is, indeed, leaf mould?  What is it about me, though, that has me thinking, 'Oooh, this is exciting.  I can't see a THING!' and not, 'Have I written my will, because I am about to be attacked by an axe-murderer?'  Is this called bravery, naivety or ... or ... something else?

12 comments:

  1. Why do you never accept my invitation to come into the pub and have a drink with me?

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  2. 1. She's trying to dislodge the bead that her baby posted into her ear earlier.
    2. You're getting past it.
    3. You're a teacher. They're not. Two months. No. Yes.
    4. You're just lucky.
    5. It's called being... a tiny bit insane. See first answer to qu 3.

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  3. Claudia Schiffer is VERY overrated....sniff. Sigh.

    Anna May x

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  4. Re #1...perhaps the woman on the bus has macular degeneration like me and has only a portion of her vision field which can see the page.

    That is one logical explanation.....then there are at least 15 illogical ones......

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  5. "She looks like she's watching Wimbledon, not enjoying literature." hilarious!

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  6. LOL at Steve's comment! I love these astute observations. I can't understand why people walk down the sidewalk reading novels on their way to work. Really? The book is THAT gripping? - G

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  7. Why would you decide to take, not the main road, but a short cut through an alleyway as dark as Hitchcock in a wooded area?

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  8. Steve - damn, I forgot you read this blog.

    Isabelle - loved your comment. What would I do without you to answer all my silly questions?

    Anna May - she may be over-rated, but compared to her I'm still a rhinoceros with a facial deformity.

    Falaxy - nice to meet you! Thanks for your comment and for signing up to receive more of this drivel.

    Georgina - I have to put my hands up in surrender here and say that I, too, am one of those who reads as I walk along a street if the book is good enough. I know, it's sad. Please don't unfollow, though, on the basis of that ...!

    June - The clue's in the word 'short cut'. I'm a lazy bum. Moving one foot in front of the other is not one of my favourite activities.

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  9. As a newcomer to the world of blogging(?Blogworld, Blogland, Blogosphere....), I'm stumbling about checking out blogs hither and thither (God, I'm glad I've only just poured that G + T) - and damned annoyed to have come across your blog, because now I'll waste hours of my valuable retirement having to read your current posts and checking out your old ones. So I hope you're satisfied, funny lady!
    re 3. - Why don't you buy a new jacket - teachers earn a lot, don't they?......

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  10. Lo - Arrggh! I bet you're right. *Hangs head in shame and promises to be more sensitive in future.* .... *Realises this is very unlikely but apologises anyway.*

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  11. Should licking and sticking a stamp be construed as a nostalgic country craft - surely the actual art of writing with your hand and using a pencil tool be seen as faintly edwardian.

    Please be that hairy man with a moustache pretending to be a woman - i like that image best when i read your BRILLIANT blog

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  12. No 2. I get exactly the same feeling. But for me it's a very virtuous feeling. Smug even.

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