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Thursday, 30 December 2010

Advice to literary characters about their New Year Resolutions

I'm not making any of my own New Year Guaranteed-Total and Depressing Failures Resolutions.  Instead, I thought I'd make a list of New Year resolutions which some literary characters should have made ....


Resolutions that would have made these characters' lives easier, and the stories a hell of a lot shorter .....

Red Riding Hood: When taking cakes to grandparents, avoid anyone with hirsuitism.

Pilgrim: Steer clear of Sloughs.

Gulliver: Don't ever lie down in someone else's country.

Dr Frankenstein: Use different materials for my sewing hobby.

Madame Bovary: Read up on how long the effects of arsenic last.

Dr Jekyll: Learn to live with myselfselves

Jude the Obscure: Refuse to be a character in any of Hardy's novels

Holden Caulfield: Revise.

Jay Gatsby: Never let the woman drive.

Piggy: Lose weight before any journey on a plane.

Lennie Small: don't hold on for quite so long.

Mr Bennet: Develop a hearing problem.

Dorian Gray: Just ask them to take a photograph.

Three Men in a Boat: Leave the dog at home.

Mummy Bear: Give them toast.


Evidence that cats have sense when it comes to resolutions ...

23 comments:

  1. Resolutions - just say "no"

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  2. Haha, that cat picture made me giggle.

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  3. Those were great and I loved the suggestion for Dr. Frankenstein :)
    Jules @ Trying To Get Over The Rainbow

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  4. Imagespast - that sounds suspiciously like a resolution to me ....

    WW - me too. I almost fell out of my basket giggling!

    Jules - glad you enjoyed them.

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  5. So many winners in this list, hard to pick, though I did love this: Holden Caulfield: Revise. To a jolly 2011!

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  6. The cat looks so much like Flo!

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  7. Robinson Crusoe - listen to your father.

    King Midas: buy shares in Alan Sugar.

    Heathcliffe: take anger management classes and treat her nice.

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  8. Loved them! You have a great imagination.

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  9. Raining Acorns - I just love Holden Caulfield full-stop.

    Japanese Student - you're right. RIP Flo. We loved you.

    Steve - good ones. Thanks for playing.

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  10. Little Bo Peep - get a sheepdog

    Lady Chatterly's husband - order some decking

    Nick Hornby - get an i-pod

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  11. Catch 22 - Take care to avoid settling in a hard place, particularly if the only route out, is blocked by a large rock.

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  12. Vintage - poor Bo Peep! It could all have been sorted so easily, couldn't it?!

    Martin - that was fun!

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  13. I you bought the cat a new basket it wouldn't use it - mine find the most random places to sleep which keeps us amused n end.

    Happy New Year with no resolutions !

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  14. Catullus - be wary of bird-loving birds.

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  15. James James Morrison Morrison Weatherby George Dupree : Put Mum in a home and enjoy a carefree childhood .

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  16. What a fabulous idea! It means you are brilliant, for sure! Now I have to think of some ideas, but I'm all uninspired over here. I did like Vintage Tea Time's idea for Hornby, to get an iPod. It would have made High Fidelity quite a different book, I suspect!

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  17. bad penny - that's the thing with cats - they just do what the hell they want.

    Mise - blimey, intellectual or what? Had to Google that one. Are you sure you're following the right blogs ...?

    SmitandSon - then it could just have been a haiku.

    Jana - thanks for dropping by. You're right. It could have been called i-Fidelity, too.

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  18. Amen to Caufield's resolution. I think he also should have added, "See a goddam shrink about my obsession with my little sister." When I reread the CITR as a adult, it totally creeped me out. - G

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  19. Mummy Bear: Give them toast.

    Now that, I like! Especially after a surfeit of turkey...

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  20. Oliver Twist: call Childline
    King Lear: buy yourself an retirement flat in Florida
    Elizabeth Bennet: go for Mr Bingley instead
    Dr Faustus: consider the benefits of delayed gratifiction
    Cain: try family counselling
    Eve: remember that oranges are very nice

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  21. (Or indeed "gratification" - though actually, I wonder if gratifiction is an attractive new genre...)

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  22. Isabelle - yes, I quite liked gratifiction myself. They must be books in which the main characters live for pleasure.

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  23. And I loved your ideas, Isabelle, especially Eve's!

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