Reasons why I will never become a theatrical costume designer

The picture of Tara's little boy in a toga over at her funny Sticky Fingers blog reminded me of the day we sent one of our kids off to play a Roman in her junior school play but with the wrong costume.

It had been a big rush to get her out of the door and to the school for the evening's performance, for which she had rehearsed and practised so much we were sure it would all go like a dream.  We gave her the plastic carrier bag - one of those cheapies from the supermarket - which I was convinced contained her incredibly complicated toga costume of a white sheet and three safety pins (no, I never was that kind of mother), hustled her out of the door and over to school to prepare for the evening show. 

We came back for a while and sat at home having a cup of coffee as we weren't due to be at the school until later for the performance.  Then the phone rang.  It was one of the teachers from the school.  Did we realise that we had sent the wrong bag?  If we didn't get round to the school quickly with the right one, our very distressed daughter was going to have to perform as a Roman dressed in two loaves of wholemeal bread.  Any chance of a toga?

I raced into the kitchen.  There in the corner was an identical plastic bag containing the costume.  We got to the school  just in time to save our daughter from having to dress up as a bakery. 


At least white bread would have been more convincing as a toga ..... kind of ....


I was reminded of this story when Lady Gaga appeared in that costume made entirely of slabs of raw meat.  She said she'd done it on purpose.  Yeah, right.  I knew the real reason.

Comments

  1. Martin12/12/10 02:29

    Are you sure you weren't getting your plots mixed up. Acting on instructions to bring the bread in a plain carrier bag, sounds familiar...

    ReplyDelete
  2. Steve12/12/10 03:34

    Ha ha ha! Oh that reminds me of the time I went to a sex shop and got the bags mixed up before the Christmas play... let's just say we had to changed the spelling of Scrooge slightly.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Jee12/12/10 04:28

    Don't remind me of costume making - my husband was head of Drama at a succession of schools and I have made everything from a toga to the dormouse in Alice in Wonderland and back through the Cheshire cat to the crossbanded yellow stockings for Malvolio. We found most of the parents either wouldn't or couldn't provide - no-one sent us loaves of bread but one child did once turn up with a morris dancing costume!?

    ReplyDelete
  4. Friko12/12/10 06:57

    So, you actually organised the sheet for her in the first place?
    No wonder you gave her the wrong bag after all that effort.

    ReplyDelete
  5. June12/12/10 07:24

    If it had been Roman Meal brand bread (http://www.romanmeal.com/aboutus.aspx), that might have been all right.
    But in checking the "International Partners" I see that the UK is not one of those...

    ReplyDelete
  6. Pam 12/12/10 10:26

    Yes, Jee, this brings back memories of being given a pattern and some furry stuff and being told to make a sheep costume for (5-year-old) Daughter 1's ballet show. Yes, certainly. Um...

    I did it, though. She was the only sheep who actually fell over mid-dance, so it was a distinguished performance in its way. She has inherited my grace of movement, as you can work out.

    (I'm trying to think what would have been easier to transform into a toga and am coming up with tripe...)

    ReplyDelete
  7. Fran Hill12/12/10 10:47

    Martin - that is no doubt some cultural reference I'm just not getting ... help me out!

    Steve - I'm going to pretend I don't understand.

    Jee - I wasn't one that wouldn't provide. I just couldn't. The only piece of clothing I've ever made is a pair of jodphurs, but that was an accident, as they were meant to be flares and I sewed the legs on the wrong way up.

    Friko - I know - I sacrificed so much for my kids.

    June - how on earth did you get to looking that up?!!!

    Isabelle - a sheep costume? Easy? Here, child, climb into this giant packet of cotton wall balls.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Susan Scheid (Raining Acorns)12/12/10 11:29

    Sheet and 3 safety pins, eh? Probably that toga was the most authentic of any at the performance. Though might have been interesting to see a Roman bakery in action . . .

    ReplyDelete
  9. Martin12/12/10 13:25

    Cultural, indeed, Fran. My fault for watching too much of The Sweeney, years ago. You know the line, with those dodgy kidnappers, "bring the bread in a plain carrier bag...and no funny business." Oh dear, I feel a tumbleweed moment coming on!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Fran Hill12/12/10 13:32

    Raining Acorns - yes, I quite liked the Roman bakery idea, too, but the daughter didn't. Strange ...

    Martin - I see, I see! Yes, I used to watch the Sweeney, but I didn't remember the line. I have a terrible memory for that kind of thing. People are always quoting lines at me and I don't have a clue. Thanks for filling me in, though!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Sandra12/12/10 16:53

    haha! Brilliant! I love it! And exactly, why else would Gaga wear meat?

    ReplyDelete
  12. SmitoniusAndSonata12/12/10 22:49

    Many years ago in Spain , Youngest Daughter was one of a gang of five year old all-singing all-dancing builders for a school concert .
    On the night they all skipped on in proper grown-up plastic helmets and mimed to Madonna's "I'm a Virgin".
    No , the nun in charge couldn't speak English but recognised a good builders' tune when she heard it.

    ReplyDelete
  13. #1Nana12/12/10 23:13

    Great story...but I'm still trying to figure out Steve's comment. Will someone spell it out for me?

    ReplyDelete
  14. AiringMyLaundry13/12/10 15:09

    Haha!! Hilarious.

    Gaga's meat costume made me crave bacon, weirdly enough.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Fran Hill13/12/10 15:27

    Sandra - Lady Gaga's meat costume was the strangest thing. Not advisable on a hot day, anyway, or when working with wolves.

    SmitandSon - that's classic.

    Nana - not me.

    WW - yes, that is weird. You are right. I can't pretend.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Vintage Tea Time14/12/10 04:44

    You could have said, 'My daughter texted me to ask me to provide her "with to...." and the predictive text spelt toast rather than toga....

    ReplyDelete
  17. Ca88andra15/12/10 00:08

    How funny! Thanks for giving me a smile...

    ReplyDelete
  18. Carolina15/12/10 02:28

    Oh, poor daughter. I'm glad she didn't have to do 'a Lady Gaga'.
    ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  19. broken biro15/12/10 09:18

    She could always have improvised as one of the the 'Three Kingsmills' hahahahahaha! (Don't laugh at your own jokes, BB.)

    ReplyDelete
  20. Fran Hill15/12/10 10:14

    Vintage Tea Time - I could have done, except that I'm 136 and my daughter is well into her 90s, so texting wasn't around in our day.

    Cassandra - that's fine. It's all part of the service.

    Carolina - me too, me too. We were very poor and couldn't have afforded steak rather than bread for the costume.

    brokenbiro - Ha ha, very amusing. And I'm not going to take your advice, because if I didn't laugh at my own jokes, some of them would fall very flat indeed.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Vintage Tea Time15/12/10 13:00

    Oh, gosh, didn't realise you were so old. In that case perhaps daughter was sending you a morse code message and got her dots and dashes mixed up (as young ladies were apt to in the last century....)

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Reasons why Fran is desperately in search of earbuds

Image
My try-to-get-fitter walk in the fields today was a silent one. I usually listen to the radio through earphones but have lost one of the soft earbuds and nothing spoils a walk more than having hard plastic nudging up against your fragile tympanic membrane. The BBC's  'Woman's Hour' is a brilliant programme but loyalty has limits.  It was disconcerting, walking in silence. Listening to radio distracts from the disturbing reality that my legs are propelling me in forward motion because, if I think too hard about this, I frighten myself.  Today, while walking, I had to listen to my own thoughts.  And now I've listened to my own thoughts, I remember why I like radio better. The inside of my head is like a wastepaper basket.   Be grateful that I only offer you a brief excerpt.  Oh, look, that bird is - / Where did I put that mark scheme. I'll need it for - / My shoes are getting muddier./ Maybe mash with the fish tonight / really muddy / The trees are defin...
Read more

More evidence that the wrong consonant makes all the difference to a famous book title

Image
More typo-lit, one of my favourite genres: To Kilt a Mockingbird - a tale set in the Southern States of America in which a young family move into the area from Aberdeen.  The children are found dressing the local wildlife in tartan and have to be taught that clothing innocent victims in bright material is not acceptable.  The little girl (Scot) says, 'Shoot, Pa, that's the darndest thing I ever did hear!' and there is surprise all round at her adoption of the local dialect in such a short time. To Kiln a Mockingbird - a tale set in the Southern States of America in which a wise father teaches his children that to put an innocent bird into a red-hot oven, converting it into an attractive china piece for the kitchen, was bound to upset Aunt Alexandra when given as a birthday present, and if this was indeed their intention, they deserved a whipping.   They don't get the whipping; the father can't stand Aunt Alexandra either. To Bill a Mockingbird - a tale set ...
Read more

Reasons why Fran can get a 90,000 word novel down to a haiku if she's paid enough

Image
My first published story was in ‘Your Cat’ magazine.  (Don’t laugh … we all have to start somewhere.)  I sent the editor a 1500-word story.  She said she liked it (great!) and would publish it (fantastic!) but that I should cut it by a third and tighten up my style.  Ah.  Not so good. I loved every word of that story.  I gave birth to each one in pain and suffering, so there was NO WAY, absolutely NO WAY I was going to cut or change them.  I was determined.  I would stick to my guns.  She could forget it.  My mind was made up. Then she said she’d pay me £200 if I did the alterations.  I wavered for a whole nano-second.  U-turn Queen, that’s me, when it comes to hard cash. The editing of that heart-warming story about a couple who rediscover their love when their cat has a crisis (it was a real sick-bucket saga) taught me loads.  I hated making the changes.  I felt like a murderer, slashing and s...
Read more