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Saturday, 29 January 2011

Evidence that some people will write anything to make a fast buck

I hear there's a book going around called 'The Lazy Outstanding Teacher'.

Yeah, right.

I am sensing a trend, though, and am now busy writing.  Please look out for my forthcoming titles.

'How to Teach Iambic Pentameter to Thirty Students While Reading Thomas Hardy Under the Desk'

'Being an Incredible Teacher While Contracting Out your Marking Load to a Keen Undergraduate'

'How to Communicate the Art of Effective Paragraphing While Dozing'

'Terrific Teaching While Texting: The Ultimate Guide'

'How to Make Chaucer Fascinating While Ordering Tonight's Pizza on the Desk Computer'

'Eat Chocolate and Teach: The Expert Guide to Get them Concentrating on the Worksheet and not on What You're Doing'

'The Long-Haired Music Lover Teacher and Other Ways to Conceal your Ipod Headphones While Communicating the Finer Points of Apostrophes'



'I'll just get them writing this down, then I can spear another marshmallow on this thing.'

33 comments:

  1. I feel better now. I thought napping while teaching a piano lesson was a sign of something bad.

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  2. Fat chance . Have you heard just how much noise 14 pre-schoolers can make once they're in their stride ?
    Though the earphone thing might just work .....

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  3. Read your post, opened the comments box....then got distracted as I read 'Reasons why 'headless chicken' is a very good anal....' on the sidebar

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  4. How to communicate to year 6 that being nice to eachother is the way to go, whilst contemplating the missed opportunity to give a vindictive 'v' sign to the head, earlier in the corridor.
    And I'm not even a teacher!! Just a parent who knows! (and has family & great friends who teach!)Enjoyed your post and will come back!

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  5. Being Paid To Teach Kids While Some Other Sucker Does It For You - I'd consider a change of career if someone gave me a book like that.

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  6. I like your humor! And am dying to see behind the "mask" (your profile "picture" LOL). Found you on Karen Gowen's blog and came over to meet you, and follow!
    Ann Best, Author

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  7. Do you give lessons in the new art?
    Perhaps teaching by example would come in handy here.

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  8. I'm sure they'll all be bestsellers!

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  9. Deborah - that's how Shostakovich wrote most of his piano pieces apparently, by continually banging his head on the keys when he nodded off.

    SmitandSon - I take my hat off to any pre-school teachers.

    Vintage - that's what sidebars are for.

    Diney - nice to meet you, and, yes, do come back for more.

    Steve - me too, me too, but I suspect we're in cloud cuckoo land.

    Ann - yes, thanks for following. As for the mask, no chance. You know those gargoyles that hang off old church buildings ....

    Friko - I do give lessons, yes. To you, only £900 an hour.

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  10. Absolutely can't WAIT for the "texting" one and the "chocolate" one! And I think I need that photo framed for my office...

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  11. When I am Rich - then I'll be rich as well as you!

    I'm Crayon - I will send you signed copies of all of these for the very good price of nine hundred pounds. Each.

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  12. I might be in the market for some of your titles. I'm working my way through "How to Substitute in the 8th Grade Without Being Convicted of Murder."

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  13. Bound to be best sellers, all!

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  14. Loved the photo caption. Good one.
    My sad, sad music teacher in Grade 8 would tell us to put our heads on our desks and he would play an entire record. He called this music appreciation. I called it hungover.

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  15. To be honest, I think you're on to something. I can see some real money makers in these titles. Get writing Fran!

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  16. You forget "Inset Days - how to have your cake and eat it"

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  17. Nana - I would read very quickly if I were you and finish the book, before you're having to read 'How to Survive 30 years in a Jail Cell.'

    Raining Acorns - watch for my name, just watch for my name.

    dbs - That made me laugh! Those were the days, when you could make kids do that kind of thing!

    Katie - I am, I am. I'm writing as fast as I can. In between chocolates, anyway.

    Invisible Woman - did you have to mention cake, just when I thought I wasn't hungry?

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  18. Sadly I think " Terrific teaching while texting " will be a best Seller ! Blimey dbs - I remember teachers like that !

    Gosh Doris Day looks tall !

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  19. I've mostly been at the receiving end of knowledge-distribution, and I had one teacher, he tried to teach us all Dutch, who just showed his favourite films if he was in danger of nodding off or getting depressed or committing murder. Life Of Brian was one of his favourites. And he could think of an excuse to connect it to his lessons in Dutch, which I think is remarkable. Wonderful teacher though. I got the highest marks possible on my exams, so something in his logic worked. For me anyway :-)

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  20. If only he'd been our English teacher ;-)

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  21. I'm trying to think of something witty to say. I'm still trying to think of something witty to say. How about a book on how to drink Tizer while ducking the blackboard rubber.... eek, no, that won't do... politically incorrect on all counts, yikes!!! (What do teachers use to erase chalk from boards these days. What do you mean 'what is chalk'?)

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  22. bad penny - you're right, she does look tall. I can't even reach the top of my whiteboard, so I always have to start half-way down.

    Carolina - Those were the days, indeed. Things have changed, there's no doubt about it.

    Val - What is this 'chalk'? Me no understando.

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  23. Shame I'm not still teaching! These books would have been incredibly useful.

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  24. dbs's comment rang a bell with me. Our Latin teacher was a little clergyman of uncertain (but apparently ancient) age who used to set us a piece of translation and then read a book... perhaps a Latin text? My Latin is of course poor to non existent.

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  25. How about "Teach and Grow Slim - How Writing on the Smartboard Can Trim Your Thighs"?

    Or "Electric Shocks - The New Teaching Tool. Subheading: Keep Your Students Fizzing with Excitement".

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  26. I like Eat Chocolate and Teach.

    Sounds fab.

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  27. Talli - I'm expecting to make millions. Stay in touch.

    hausfrau - I think that is what's called quality teaching and I shall adopt his style immediately.

    Isabelle - loved your suggestions!

    WW - Any title with 'chocolate' in it deserves a read. In fact, that's given me an idea ...

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  28. I liked the one about the pizza. Computers in the classroom really do increase efficiency!

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  29. Linda - I have the pizza firm in my Favourites. One click of a button, and I've a four cheese pizza with olives and extra mushrooms under that desk in a jiffy. Thanks for coming along, Linda. Nice to meet you.

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  30. Blimey Fran, you've got me thinking. You and I have been sending emails back and forth all week whilst you were advising me on my new business venture. But what else were you doing in the background eh? ..... eh? 'fess up!

    P.S. You will be pleased to know that after your wise words, I have now changed my company name. And the strapline apostrophe is in the right place. I'll send you the new logo if you fancy a peek!

    P.P.S. Thanks for your help x

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  31. Fran...you are outrageously funny.

    I taught ages 4 to 6 for a short time and then decided to go into banking. Perhaps if I had the opportunity to read the books that you have mentioned above I may have stayed in teaching...

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  32. Annie - please send me the new logo!

    Mary Ann - I just love that sentence ... 'I taught ages 4 to 6 for a short time and then decided to go into banking.' SO funny!

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  33. In my previous life I wrote a book titled, "The Next To The Last Mohican." It was late in its first printing and was eclipsed by some scribbler named James Fenimore...or Fenimore Cooper...or Cooper James..or something like that. A real amateur. Unfortunately, I was unable to make a fast buck or even a few slow ones for my efforts.

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