WHAT YOU'LL FIND ON THIS BLOG

Thursday, 10 February 2011

Evidence that until the Planet Zog gets the Internet, you may not hear from me for a while

Here is a news flash:

News has just come in.  A 40-something female blogger from Warwickshire, England, is feared to have been abducted by aliens and taken to the Planet Zog.  She has not been seen in the blogosphere for a full week now and friends are becoming concerned.

Percy Fellow-Blogger, also from England, told us, 'It's not like Fran to blog less often than once a week.  I'm sure she's been taken away. And she hasn't been anywhere near my blog either. I was beginning to tire of her habit of trying to outdo my own jokes, but now I'm missing it.  [Here, Percy paused to dab his eyes with a tissue before continuing the interview.] If anyone hears where she is, I beg them to get in touch.  You don't know how much you appreciate unsubtle crassness until you don't have it any more.'

Another blogger who preferred to remain nameless said, 'To be honest, it's a relief.  I never felt comfortable blogging about cats or nature because Fran would always leave some kind of barbed comment on it.  At least now I can mention my garden or pets without her bringing up how she finds green and brown so very boring or how the best use for a cat is surely to wrap a baby in.'

Theories abound as to how Fran will find Planet Zog.  Whichever one it is, everyone seems sure that, should she not find chocolate there, she will be plunged into a cold turkey experience and may well make efforts to escape.  We spoke to her husband about this who told us, 'Knowing Fran and her sense of direction, if she tries to get home on her own, it will be 3049 before she returns, because she just keeps turning left and won't listen to advice  And I don't know how many fish and chip shops there are in space, but she'll stop at every one she sees.  I wouldn't hold your breath if I were you.'

Police are by the telephones, waiting for a call announcing a ransom for Fran.  Sources close to Fran's family who can't be revealed tell us that they have already agreed not to pay any such ransom.  'We're happy for a long delay before she comes back.  It would be great to have at least one Christmas in which we didn't have to play stupid word games,' said one close family member whose eyes were bright at the thought.  'And it would be so good not to have to search for the hidden brussel sprout under our carrots.'

Should anyone know the whereabouts of this blogger, please contact your local police, who have been passed a large brown envelope stuffed with cash so that they will hide the details you give them away in a safe place to delay her eventual return.

Fran was pleased by their welcome, but not sure how to explain that, no,  they were wrong,
and THEY were the strange-looking ones.

19 comments:

  1. Come back Fran! All is forgiven!

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  2. I think all Mollie's everywhere like a Fran every now and then.

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  3. I speak on behalf of all the Brothers of the Holy War and say it is a joy to have you with us in our fight, Fran. It might be a one way journey but our termination shall be glorious! P.S. Thank you for bringing the cupcakes.

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  4. Are you sure you haven't just got stuck in a meeting at work? The intense expressions and impenetrable language, can be very similar to that found on Planet Zog.

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  5. Oh, my, that's awful, terrible, I'm so worried - we should set up a support group - therapy and help will be needed - those poor aliens.....

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  6. Mars is the first place I'd look - she's heard they make chocolate there!

    (*Thinks: 'Must not mention Uranus, must not mention Uranus...'*)

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  7. Aha - you hide the sprouts under the carrots too!!! Come back, all is forgiven!

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  8. The minute she starts wrapping them in cling film and bubble wrap , they'll send her back !

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  9. Anyone who hides sprouts under the carrots should be banished to another planet, except I'd really miss all the games where Fran plays with book titles.

    Don't stay away too long!

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  10. I checked with a couple of my space cadet friends and they had never heard of a planet Zog. A planet Dog, yes. But sadly, no planet Zog. So we are left with the possibility that we have lost Fran to an alien culture far less advanced than our own in grammar, punctuation, or playwriting. And she will probably be detained until they extract all her knowledge of semantics, colons, seminoles, and em dashes. She should be back with us this weekend. I, myself, was kidnaped by alien bloggers once. They wanted to know how to select a default type face for their blog. After days of blindfolded solitary confinement with only a laptop for company, I relented and confessed I had no idea. They released me a week later after forcing me to watch reruns of "Sara Palin's America" 23 hours a day. I was a changed man, I tell ya! A changed man. So we must get Fran back quickly before they have a chance to torture it out of her. Ummm...I mean her knowledge and wit.

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  11. Oh, Fran. We hardly knew ye... Or is Planet Zog just another name for Grading Hell?

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  12. I think you are staying at a health farm and don't want to admit to it. Enjoy the beetroot juice, chakra re-alignment and lovely green/brown, wet countryside!

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  13. Do Planet Zog do package holidays? It sounds quite good actually!

    Sign me up too :)

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  14. hahaha!! no, really, please come back.

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  15. My cats have been writing ransom notes for a few days now - hiding them when I come near, of course, but my long-distance vision is fairly good and they seem to say something about a year's supply of prawns. I wonder if there's any connection with Fran's disappearance. Not that cats could possibly have any grudge against her.

    (We're back on line! Only took Virgin 10 days to sort it out! Grrr! But hurray!)

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  16. She may have gone where Ernest went - into Blogasphere...Ernest was my little rooster I sent out to travel Blogland for a gap year. He went to several host families and then disappeared all together.
    I have put up Have you seen posters but there has been no sighting of him and I have given up hope of ever seen him again.

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  17. We may find one another, as we apparently have the same utter lack of sense of direction . . . good luck getting home!

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  18. Say Hi to Lord Lucan from me

    Anna May x

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  19. Hey Fran, whatever works for you! Gee, what we bloggers have to go through for a 'break'! lol

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