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Friday, 11 March 2011

Reasons for being realistic about your parental ambitions

In 1947, Noel Coward performed a song called, ‘Don’t put your daughter on the stage, Mrs Worthington’.

I wrote my own version.

Why?  Whaddya mean, why?  How the heck do I know?  Why are you so demanding?  Just read, dammit, or go and hassle someone else.

Don’t put your daughter on the stage, Mrs Jones (subtitled: One of Those Annoying Songs where the Title is exactly the Same as the First Line Which Seems Like a Massive Cop-Out But I’m Only Copying Noel Coward and He’s Well Famous So Leave Off)

Don’t put your daughter on the stage, Mrs Jones
You may dream that she would make a ballet star
But her legs are awfully plump
And her shoulders tend to slump
And the wooden leg could hinder her from getting very far

Don’t put your daughter on the stage, Mrs Jones
You’re sure that she should be an opera diva
But her voice is rather flat
And you must remember that
All the sinus trouble that she gets won’t really help her either

Don’t put your daughter on the stage, Mrs Jones
I know you’d like to see her in a play
But you really should admit it
That she walks like an arthritic
And her amnesia won’t help her learn her lines in any way.

Don’t put your daughter on the stage, Mrs Jones
You think she’d make a lovely heroine
I’m not saying you’re mistaken
In the case that you are making
But heroines of 30 stone are few and far between.

Don’t put your daughter on the stage, Mrs Jones
She may have hidden talent, that’s for sure
But to get her on the stage
Is unlikely at her age
Because the talent hasn’t come out yet and she’s nearly 74




Evidence that Esmerelda's mother didn't find being honest with her daughter easy


PS  If you say 'either' as eye-ther and not ee-ther, then verse 2 won't have worked for you at all.  You will have read 'diva' and then thought the 'either' didn't rhyme, and may just have been about to type a comment saying, Get yourself sorted, Franster, because your poetry is dire.  Just for you guys, anyway, here's an alternative verse.

Don't put your daughter on the stage, Mrs Jones
You’re sure that she should be a deep sea diver
But her voice is rather flat
And you must remember that
All the sinus trouble that she gets won’t really help her eye-ther


As you can see, the problem with this is that a 'deep sea diver' has nothing whatsoever to do with being on the stage.  However, seeing as you're just being awkward in insisting on a perfect rhyme, it will have to do.  Honestly, some people.

(Here's Mr Coward singing his song if you'd like a listen

12 comments:

  1. This is an excellent antidote to all the new age psychobabble that tells parents they must support every single dream their child has NO MATTER WHAT. Don't bother encouraging them to do stuff that they are actually good at, because well, where's the fun in that?
    Very funny post. - G

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  2. Now there's a mummy blogger piece, Fran.
    Full of good advice for the averagely fond parent.

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  3. Well, the second version works better for me because though I do say eether, I pronounce the r as in eethrrr, being Scottish. So divah doesn't rhyme with eethrrr.

    However, I agree with the general message of the song. Don't allow your daughter to marry an actor, is how I feel. But alas, she's going to.

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  4. Over-rated kids sadly become underwhelming. It's just not right to do that to someone.

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  5. Geez Fran, even fat girls with wooden legs like to sing and dance...Give us a break!

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  6. Hefty , with a wooden leg and adenoids ?
    Your son will be a rapper extraordinaire .(He can always get the gold teeth later ) .
    If it's your daughter we're talking about , may I suggest Wedding Advisor or Vendeuse at Dior as perfect career choices .

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  7. I think pre 'X Factor', 'Britain's got Talent' and suchlike (I've prob got those names wrong, I rarely watch TV, but you know what I mean), your advice would have been sound, but now the winners of such programmes seem to strongly resemble Mrs Jones' daughter.....

    Is The Japanese Student OK, by the way? Scarey stuff going on there) Abby x

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  8. That's very kind, Vintage - yes, she's fine. She's been in England for her mid-year break, thankfully. Horrid events for Japan.

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  9. I totally agree with Vintage Tea Time. My thoughts exactly. In fact your lyrics should be given out on a flier to all future applicants of such shows as a dire warning.

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  10. As the news from Japan grows increasingly disquieting , I'm happy to hear that your daughter is safe and hope that rescue arrives quickly for all those affected .

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  11. Hilarious! Reminds me of "The Judge's Song" from Gilbert and Sullivan's "Trial By Jury".

    You'll soon get used to her looks," said he,
    "And a very nice girl you will find her!
    She may very well pass for forty-three
    In the dusk, with a light behind her!"

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  12. That's a classic last line Fran. Classic!

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